Masculinity scale

About

NOTE: This page is a daughter page of: Graphic Scales

NEWSFLASH: I've also published a shorter version of this article to medium.com! Please support me by adding a "clap" at: The Masculinity Scale

The 0 to 10 "Masculinity scale" below is a tool to outline the difference between toxic masculinity and the other extreme, which can be toxic in its own way. Ultimately, as a man, the magic is surely about owning your power, but having a gentle side also, and knowing when each is called for.

My Graphical Representation of the "Masculinity Scale" (0-10)

The unofficial masculinity scale, in all its manly glory. Notice that both extremes can be toxic, but also, this 1D representation can't express all the beautiful nuances of this story. Only you can fill that in.

(full res widescreen image)

The idea: Nobody likes a bully, but few women (or partners in general) actually want to date a pushover - or to sleep with a "beta male". This chart might be triggering for some because society has taken us into interesting territory — we hear often about toxic masculinity to the point where we feel that masculinity has been demonised . Many men feel like the best way to be an ally to women is to be agreeable (to agree with everything)... to be passive ("what would you like to eat for dinner")... to play it small... and/or to become so submissive be we'll never be associated with "toxic masculinty".

But now we're realising that becoming a passive male can be toxic to oneself, and as a role model. You might have just taken "wokeness" too far and lost most of your voice, most of your power. In the goal of becoming safe, you might suddenly be setting an example of a weak man.

Such is the nature of modern society that cancellation culture has sent us these mixed messages that men should avoid being controlling, like the shovinistic men of the past, and yet if they become too passive, it becomes unattractive.

Backstory

I created this scale after countless deep conversations with friends, particularly men who felt unsure about how to show up in modern relationships. Many of us grew up with traditional ideas of masculinity: be strong, don’t show emotion, always be the provider. Others were told that any display of power or leadership might be seen as controlling or toxic.

The truth is, masculinity — like femininity — isn't one-dimensional. You can be strong and still tender. You can lead without domination. You can protect without silencing your partner's voice. At its healthiest, masculinity is about presence, integrity, and the capacity to hold both strength and softness.

Some men swing to the extreme of passivity, thinking that if they avoid all conflict, always talk softly, and always say "yes," they will be loved more. But often this leads to resentment and a lack of polarity, which many people find deeply unattractive. Others remain stuck in old patterns of domination, afraid to show vulnerability or to share power.

I see this scale as an invitation to reflect rather than to judge yourself. Where do you stand today? Where would you like to grow? Our relationship to masculinity is not static — it evolves with each relationship, each heartbreak, and each moment of self-reflection.

Whether you see yourself as a "rock" who might soften more, or someone who hides their power and longs to step into leadership, my hope is that this chart gives you a language to explore and discuss with yourself and with your loved ones.

Why (Integrated) Masculinity is Sexy

I love the new age focus on softness and presence — it's beautiful, but now when the pendulum swings too far. And it has. Women appreciate a man who has the ability to listen and talk softly when it's helpful, but we are descended from cave people. We descended from harsh times where survival depended on courage and protection. That instinct is still in us — the attraction to someone who feels solid, grounded, strong and capable of standing up for their values and their family. A passive man feels like he would cry or stay silent or just stand by when his loved ones are taken advantage of emotionally or even physically. It's why photos of deep-voiced Jason Momoa yielding a sword feel so sexy. It represents a man who can be present, but also feels and looks like he would fight (verbally or even physically if needed) to protect his loved ones and values. All these things are needed to help people feel safe. And that's sexy.

My Personal Experience

I was mostly raised by my mum — a wonderful, affectionate woman who always encouraged me to be an ally to women. When I moved to the United States for a while, I witnessed a lot of harmful behaviour from men, which reaffirmed for me the importance of being a safe space. Over time, I became proud of owning my feminine side, of being someone women felt they could trust: easy to talk to, understanding, sweet, a shoulder to cry on.

But at some point, I realised it had become difficult for me to date certain women. They actually craved some conflict and polarity. They were drawn to a sense of tension — even when it veered into toxic territory. This realisation confused me deeply. Meanwhile, I became passionate about consent, even writing a book about it. But to be honest, it messed with me in unexpected ways. It made me hyper-aware and hesitant, worried that any small misstep could be seen as too aggressive.

Ironically, on the dance floor, I have no problem leading — it feels natural and intuitive. Yet in dating, after hearing so many stories of abuse and aggression from women I met, I assumed that every woman wanted a man who was extremely careful and slow. But that man, I discovered, is often too easy to friend-zone. Too easily overlooked.

I wish I could tell you I've fully found the balance. I'm not quite there yet, but I feel myself getting closer. Right now, I'm working on a new consent project. The first time I tried, I wrote a book and launched my "Consent to Kiss" project, hoping to make a big difference in the U.S. Instead, I felt like I failed to create the change I envisioned, and it left me more afraid to take risks.

This time feels different. I'm hopeful. Australia doesn't tend to worship aggression the way the U.S. sometimes does, and I now have a clearer understanding of what it means to ask for what I want and to know my worth.

It's hard to explain exactly what I’m feeling, but I sense I'm standing on the edge of something important. Creating this scale has shown me that if I want to change the world — and meet the girl of my dreams — it won’t happen by people-pleasing alone. I need to listen deeply, but also take the lead and seize the moment when it’s right.

I hope this little personal account resonates with you in some way.

Sincerely,

    Andrew Noske

Unqualified Advice

I'm single right now, so I humbly call this unqualified advice. But I've been lucky enough to date some truly incredible women — and looking back, those relationships usually started because I brought the right balance of masculinity to each situation. I'm honoured to still be friends with most of these women. So perhaps, after all, I do know a thing or two.

A Message to Men

Toxic masculinity is damaging, no question. But very few women want to date a man with no edge. Some men cultivate this edge through style, confidence, or a playful mastery of flirtation and seduction, though seduction can either empower or manipulate, depending on your intention.

If it aligns with your values, it can be transformative to find your own blend of strength and softness. Even just having honest conversations about "integrated masculinity" shows a level of self-awareness and courage that many people find deeply attractive.

Different women desire different expressions of masculinity. A woman who has recently been mistreated by a partner, for example, might crave a deeply gentle, slow-moving "panda bear" type of man — someone who feels undeniably safe. But most women also want to know that their partner could stand up for them fiercely if needed, like a grizzly bear protecting what he loves. This is an ancient instinct, woven into our collective story of survival and protection.

Intelligence, empathy, and kindness are beautiful traits. But for that initial spark — that chemistry that draws someone in — confidence is often the hidden key. If you’re unsure what your partner wants, ask her. Use this scale as a playful, open-ended tool to explore her desires and discover what feels authentic for you. It’s not as scary as it sounds.

Remember, you aren’t locked into one spot on this scale forever. You might take charge in some areas of your life and relax in others. Maybe you're easygoing at work but become assertive in the bedroom because your partner enjoys that polarity. That’s the beauty of real connection: someone shares what they crave, and you choose to meet them there.

If you don’t ask, you risk losing the person of your dreams to someone who more fully embodies the qualities they yearn for — someone who helps them feel deeply desired and safe all at once.

A Message to Women

Let's be honest: both men and women are capable of sending mixed signals. This scale can help you reflect and become a clearer communicator. Ask yourself honestly: what kind of masculinity do you actually crave in a partner, and in which areas of your life?

This scale is not supposed to be an accurate representation of masculinity — it is supposed to be a doorway into meaningful conversations. Use it with your dear male friend who's struggling to find dates, or with a partner who isn't quite meeting your needs. Maybe, through this chart (and perhaps the complementary scales), you'll discover new ways to fall even more deeply in love and experience richer, more passionate intimacy.

Most importantly, if you feel your man isn't stepping up, resist the urge to say, "you’re not man enough." That approach almost always diminishes him further. Make him feel small. Instead, notice and appreciate the ways he already shows up in his strength. Genuine acknowledgment is far more likely to inspire him to grow and expand for you. I've seen one of my best friends do this beautifully with her husband. To me, he always seemed like a gentle panda — but she saw his strength, celebrated it, and brought it forward. She worships him as a god; he worships her back as a goddess.

On the other hand, if you're longing for more tenderness or romance, avoid accusations like "all you do is work; you don’t support my emotions." Those words often lead to withdrawal and coldness. Instead, celebrate his soft moments — his tender touches, his kind words, the small ways he opens up. With that positive reinforcement, you might just unlock a depth you never imagined.

See Also

• Femininity scale - Your turn ladies!
• Lead and surrender scale - A fun look at dynamics. Woohoo!
• Flirting comfort scale - I guess it could be related to this page?
• Sex drive scale - Not for everyone! Depends on how innocent you are.

The unofficial Femininity scale for women.

The unofficial Lead and surrender scale.