Sex drive scale
The scale below came out of a conversation with a dear friend on Hawaii, complaining that the guys she met here were not high enough sex drive for her! She already uses my Love to lust scale on online dating, and we joked that I could create one for sex drive too. Well here it is!
Before looking at it, please realize that the happiest people are often the ones at the lower end of the scale. Libido can be a sensitive topic for men, but in reality there are plenty of people all over this scale. I have some tips below for "desire discrepancy", because honestly, your chance of finding someone who wants sex *exactly* as often as you do is pretty low. It's not the most important piece of a relationship for most people, so it's okay to date someone a few points off. Plus from what I heard, once you get married or get over 60 it's all pretty much downhill! Blue pills or no blue pills, we all end up wrinkly and we learn to appreciate great personality, humor and quality hugs over lust. :)
My Graphical Representation of the "Sex Drive Scale" (0-10)
The Idea: If someone has the slightest hint of insecurity around libido you probably don't want to send them this chart. It may upset them. But for your sex positive friends who have amazing humor, it should give them a chuckle, because often those same friends are the best ones at good communication and they can be honest with themselves about where they fall and how important sex is or isn't in their relationships. When I wrote this scale I was definitely thinking about "days when you see your sweetie". If we include all the days men have dry spells, or "taking a break", or maybe we only get to see our lover twice a week - well then most of us average pretty low! Don't think of this as your average number, imagine this as a sexy day - maybe on the weekend, and be kind to yourself. The teenager boy who is able to masturbate 10 times a day probably gives really crappy sex still. Lots of sex doesn't mean lots of great sex necessarily, and let's get real - as we get older our libido goes down. Good lovers know how to make each one count!
The Big Warning and Disclaimer!
In the process of dating (which usually starts online for people these days) I highly recommend you show a potential partner the "Love to lust scale" to determine if you are on the same page, but I do not recommend sharing this "Sex drive scale" before you seriously consider the consequences. Most men, and yes some women too, are going to be very self conscious about their sex drive. Whether they feel it's too low or too high, it could have been the reason for a devastating breakup. During the dating process you might get disappointed to realize you are a few points off (in how often you might want sex) and never give a great relationship a chance. In my experience, giving people in relationships tend to gravitate towards each other's desires. So in other words if I date someone insatiable... well look out! But if I date someone lower on the scale, I can be happy with less sex, because often it's much better and connected sex than just trying to beat my old "record".
For me I'm very comfortable answering this question, because I am - for the right girl - a solid 8-9 on this scale. As I get older I'm sure I'll drop a couple of points, but at the time of writing I feel like I have pretty high sex drive for someone my age. Is that a blessing or a curse? For me it might be a bad thing, because I tend - for whatever reason - to attract people who are a lot lower on the scale. Perhaps it's because I present as a gentleman and not a f**k boy. Sometimes we might associate the loud outrageous flirty people as high sex drive and introspective people as lower sex drive. You can never assume. People will often surprise you!
As you get older you realize that we are all built differently. Some of the most wonderful, grounded people I know admitted to me they have pretty low sex drive and they are perfectly happy with that. Other friends of mine are, in their own words, insatiable! We've all been in relationships that are a mismatch, because honestly, your chance of finding someone who wants sex *exactly* as often as you do is low. In the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", they call this "desire discrepancy" and talk about how to deal with it effectively. I had a friend tell me once that her sex drive was lower than her boyfriend at the time and I awkwardly suggested to her that she "give him a helping hand".. and then when she didn't understand I was like “Jesus, I'm saying give him a hand job, kiss his ears and tell him he is sexy - it's maybe not as fulfilling as great sex, but it's still sexy it will help him stay happy". If you are a giver, then you don't need to do sex every-time - you probably get really great at foreplay and your partner will appreciate it tremendously. If it's the girl who wants more sex, then hey - they have these devices called vibratos that can give you an amazing assist. Those are just a couple of suggestions that might help, the book will have more.
There are so many factors that go into sex drive too! Maybe you had a shitty week, monthly cycle/birth control/pregnancy messing with your hormones, you lost someone close, you are in a job where you feel unappreciated or maybe you're in a relationship where you feel emasculated (for a man), or not treated like a woman (for a woman). Suddenly your libido plummets. Those last two points are critical by the way - if you want more sex then you have to remind your partner pretty frequently that you find them sexy, you have to mix things up, and probably throw in some romance and quality time... else yes, you suddenly will be complaining to your friends that you're "not getting enough sex". Well guess what - some of that might be on you! The honeymoon period where we get way more sex lasts when you revere your partner and make them feel incredible. If you put them down in anyway, nag, criticize or make them feel taken for granted (man or woman), then your probably not going to get as much great play, except for the kind of fight-makeup drama sex with makes for good short term sex, but not a lasting deep relationship.
Good communication is always key, and also you can have a sense of humor about the fact that men hit their sexual prime at 18, then it's usually a slow decline. Jesus, I can't even tell you how many times a day I masturbated when I was young (double digits given the chance), but it fades! Hopefully in that stage you get better at sex though - you actually know what you are doing and you don't rush things! A woman hits her sexual prime towards 30, which is pretty crazy, and makes you consider that cougars are the ones having more sex than the rest of us. :)
Sent it as a Text
If you send this to friends you can just sent this URL (www.andrewnoske.com/w/Sex_drive_scale), or a copy of the image, but if you want to send it as text ... maybe modify the text, you can copy and paste this:
Hey there, this might be a little forward, but where are you on the sex drive scale (0 to 10).
10 = Insatiable. More than 5 times a day. 9 = 5 times a day baby! 8 = 3-4 times daily. 7 = 2 times daily seems incredible. 6 = Once a day baby! 5 = Maybe 2-3 times a week (I have a job). 5 = Once a week. Sensual Sunday. 4 = Once a month play keeps is really special 3 = A couple of times a year is fine for me. 2 = I'm no teen. A couple of times a year is fine for me. 1 = I'm an old school romantic who prefers kisses. 0 = Basically asexual.
Okay, so I've already mentioned some of the factors that can affect your sex drive from one year or even one day to the next. They happen to all of us, they make us human. Here's a list:
- For women:
- Birth control (messes with your hormones).
- Pregnancy can really mess with your hormones (up or down).
- Having/raising a child (one of my amorous friends told me how her drive plummeted for years).
- Feeling defiminated or unappreciated by your partner.
- A lack of romance and foreplay.
- The timing of your moon cycle.
- For men:
- Feeling emasculated by your partner. Maybe the #1 reason.
- Erectile issues - which is why they have pills.
- Over drinking (affects performance).
- For couples:
- Misaligned attachment styles.
- Misalignment of sexual preferences and turn ons (he wants cuddles, she prefers whips). *
- Moving from the honeymoon phase to real life and a deeper appreciation beyond just sex.
- For both genders:
- Feeling unappreciated by your partner.
- Feeling unsexy.
- Problems in any aspect of life (friends, family, work).
- Lack of deep connection.
- Losing the magic.
- Fear of long term intimacy.
- Relationship pains (especially if just out of a relationship).
- Health issues (sickness or injuries).
- Getting older!
This isn't an exhaustive list. And sometimes just natural phases you go through - you might be horny for weeks, then focus on something else for weeks. You can't be happy all the time is what I tell any friend going through a "meh" phase. We don't appreciate the high moments of life if we don't have some lows.
If you misalign on the type of sex you looks, that can be tricky to. If one person wants gentle and one person wants rough. That's where good communication is tricky. If you want to broach that topic with humor, you should buy a copy of my book "Ice Cream = Sex at www.icecreamequalssex.com.
Ice Cream = Sex: What your flavor says about your fantasy, and how to make it happen
Don't Take Life too Serious
Wow, I wrote a really long entry for this - most likely because I know that while some people might find this scale hilarious, others will be triggered. Getting triggered is unavoidable in life, but with a positive mindset and good communication, you'll realize that yes - people are often mismatched in sex drive... but if you were to look at the most successful relationships you know, you'd probably be surprised by how many of them are not "we have sex three times a day", but instead: "oh we always hug and we have the best times together, but sex is pretty infrequent". Blue pills or not.
PS: Feedback is most encouraged! :)
- Generous lover scale - The best lovers are the ones that are giving. How giving are you?
- Love to lust scale - A good one to establish if you strongly want or do not want marriage potential.
- Flirting comfort scale - Definitely related to this page, but regards flirting banter with a potential lover. People with higher sex drives are prone to higher flirting, but not always! Sometimes the conservative boys and girls are the super freaks! :)