Lead and surrender scale

About

NOTE: This page is a daughter page of: Graphic Scales

NEWSFLASH: I've also published a shorter version of this article to medium.com! Please support me by adding a "clap" at: The Lead and Surrender Scale

The 0 to 10 "Lead and Surrender Scale" below is a reflection of the dance between taking charge and letting go. Whether you're navigating romance, dinner plans, or dance floor dynamics... power, polarity, and presence are always at play.

My Graphical Representation of the "Lead and Surrender Scale" (0–10)

The unofficial Lead and Surrender scale – playful, powerful, and oh so revealing.

(full res widescreen image)

The idea: Power play isn’t just for the bedroom – it shows up in travel plans, dinner choices, and life dreams. The polarity between taking the lead and surrendering creates depth, tension, trust and attraction. Every relationship has its own rhythm, and when both people are aware and willing to talk about it, the result can be magic. Oh wait - I said most of that in the graphic already, didn't I! Well, it's good to reiterate.

The Inspiration

I felt inspired to create this shortly after I created a Femininity scale and Masculinity scale. This is a different graphical format/style from my other scales, which is just a measure for one person. This is a real call out to the fun or (at times) challenging dynamics, people in early or established relationships can feel. This example leans cis-hetero for simplicity, but the dynamics can show up in any relationship. A friend had a theory that most cheating and many breakups occur because one or the other person doesn't treat the other as a god or goddess. One or both people will feel emasculated, defeminised and/or unappreciated by the other - so suddenly they're drawn like magnets to anyone who does see them.... someone who offers the polarity or appreciation they crave. Why not communicate before it gets to that stage? Encourage your partner in a loving way to try different positions in this scale at different times... even if you have to fake-it-till-you make it a little. It's called role play for a reason. Give it a try!

Using this Scale

This chart is a playful way to reflect on how power shows up in your relationships. Do you tend to take the lead? Surrender with a smile? Avoid the whole topic? This scale isn't about right or wrong – it's about awareness, expression, and experimentation.

Unlike most of my scales, this one isn’t one-directional. You might feel masculine and lead in some contexts, and completely surrender in others. You might prefer your partner to take control sometimes, or maybe you both keep it balanced. That's the beauty of polarity – it's fluid.

If you're in a relationship, don't be afraid to explore this together. Try switching roles, planning dates for each other, or even dancing (literally or metaphorically). You might be surprised what turns you on... or softens you. If you're single, use this to think about your tendencies and what feels most aligned. There’s no gold star at one end – only curiosity.

And just to be clear, this scale is about energetic roles, not gender roles. You can be soft and powerful. You can surrender from a place of deep strength. The point is not to fix yourself at one spot, but to stay open and attuned.

As always, be playful, be honest, and remember: clarity is a kindness. Lead with presence. Surrender with trust. Let it be a dance.

Sincerely,

    Andrew Noske

See Also

• Masculinity scale – Shares some concepts about polarity and power.
• Femininity scale – Balances it out, in all the delicious ways.
• Flirting comfort scale – Because sometimes, leading starts with eye contact.
• An incredible theory about cheating - A theory from a friend. Pretty edge.

The unofficial Femininity scale for women.

The unofficial Masculinity scale for men.