Jokes - yoga

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NOTE: This page is a daughter page of: Jokes

So hypothetically you meet an amazing girl and she happens to be a yoga instructor. You say you're going to tell her a funny yoga joke every day, but you look online and they're mostly rubbish! Feel like half of them do the: "are you going?" and "na-ma-going-to-stay" routine. Which is only half funny once.

So here I've made up some of my and hopefully slightly improved on the few that made me giggle a little. :)

TOC

Yoga Jokes

Three Yogis Go to Heaven

--- Yoga joke of the day #1 ---

Three yogis arrive at heaven in a single batch. God is a the Pearly gates, splits them up and says to the first: "look, we just have too many fancy yoga people in heaven these days, I can only let you in if I feel sorry for you".

The first guy says, "Well I think you should feel sorry for me!".

"I was at a yoga retreat with my wife, but I felt like she was staring a little too much at the yoga instructor in his tight pants and his toned body. I convinced myself I was just paranoid, so for my inner peace and closure I went to visit the yoga instructor in his room and I walk inside but he wasn't there. When I get downstairs, I hear loud grunting sex noises inside, and I go into a rage. The door is locked... I start kicking down the door and when I bust in I yell at my wife 'where is he!'. I look everywhere and nothing but then I noticed there are ten fingers on the railing of the balcony outside. It's him! He's trying to hide from me in just his underpants and I'm so angry that I start hitting his fingers. He pleads me to stop, but I keep going and he falls down. He's hurt, but definitely not dead... so in my growing rage I grab a heavy mini fridge from inside, and throw it down onto him. Unfortunately at this point the rage is so much I have a heart attack and die on the spot."

God looks stunned, "Well I generally don't condone murder, I'm surprised you admitted to that so readily, but I do feel sorry for you, so I'll let you in".

Then god goes to the second guy.

The second guy says, "You'll definitely feel sorry for me!".

"I had just finished teaching a yoga course, to help out all the wonderful people who come for my guidance. I drink a wonderful health smoothie, and I start doing stretches on the balcony of my hotel room in my underpants. Suddenly, when I go from warrior one pose to warrior two, I slip on my smoothie, and fall right off the edge. Luckily I have great reflexes, so I catch the railing of the room downstairs, but some crazy guy starts yelling at me. He hits my fingers, and I fall... just as I realize my beautifully toned legs are broken, the guy throws a mini fridge onto me and I'm now here.

God is almost speechless, "We generally don't like yoga instructors, but you had the worst day ever, so you can go inside".

Finally the third guy comes up. "So funny story. I was folded up lotus position and hiding in a mini-fridge.... and suddenly the fridge start to move".

Practical Yoga for Men

--- Yoga joke of the week #5 ---

Gary walks into a yoga studio and see several different groups of men of different sizes doing different warm ups. The instructor greets him.

"Welcome to our 7 step program, practical yoga for men!

Most of our men start at level 1... These men don't yet have the balance to pass the police sobriety test, but they soon over come that."

He points to a chubby group of guys attempting a one legged pose with limited success.

"At level 2, you'll have enough core strength to tie your shoelaces without needing to sit down."

He points to a less chubby group of guys doing warriors 3.

"At level 3, you'll have the stamina to sit with your kid for hours without cramping up".

He points to a group of guys in lotus position.

"At level 4, you'll be bendy enough to use and airplane restroom and seating without injuring your back."

He points to a group of skinny guys in happy baby.

"At level 5, you'll be have the physique to be shirtless and take amazing dating profile pictures that help you date fitness girls and finally get laid sometimes."

The instructor points to a group of ripped guys doing headstands and other impressive poses.

"Wow, that's really terrific! I guess nobody makes it up level 6 though?" The man says, and points at em empty area of the floor.

"Oh no, we have lots of yogis reach level 6! At level 6 you reach total satisfaction. Those are the guys flexible enough to suck their own penises and they don't leave the house much."

Yoga Pants at Church

Racist dad at church.

Banned from Church

Forgive me father.

Yoga Candles

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts.

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"

The teacher answers: "scented candle".

Drunk Instructor

--- Yoga joke of the day #3 ---

I think my yoga instructor was drunk today. He put me in a very awkward position.

Pre-meditation

--- Yoga joke of the day #2 ---

A yoga instructor killed a student before class started......

He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

What's your Flexibility Like

--- Yoga joke of the day #1 ---

I wanted to take up yoga.

I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".

How do you Know

How do you know when someone has reached inner peace during yoga?

They won't shut up about it.

---

How do you know if a guy is a yoga instructor?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

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How does a girl know if a guy teaches yoga?

He'll offer you free lessons.

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Asleep during yoga

A man wakes up after yoga... "Oh no, did I fall asleep".

Snoring

"It gets worse than that".

I farted

I got an erection.

...

You started omming.

All Girl Yoga Jealousy

Tina goes to an all girl yoga class but it's here quite competitive, and Tina is jealous of the three stunning blonde girls who shot at the front like teacher's pets and always seem completely zen during mediation. Meanwhile Tina is sweaty and panting to keep up.

So Tina waits till the end of class and approaches the female instructor, Maria.

"I know I'm supposed to reach over peace, but I'm so jealous of those three girls!"

Maria giggles. "Oh you mean Harmony, Butterfly and Rainbow?! Don't be jealous of those skinny white girl from the marina. The reason they are always zen is because they come to class early to change out of their designer dresses and take a tonne of hallucinogenic drugs."

Tina laughs too. "Oh that makes me feel way better, no wonder they seem so happy if they are high as kites! But what about you... You don't take drugs and you are always seem glowing and happy during class?".

"Oh, that's because I'm sleeping with them!".

Related Pages

• Jokes

Links

• Upjoke - yoga jokes