Tall girl theory and the high heel effect
Contents
About
In simple terms... the "High Heels Effect" or "Tall Girl Theory" - coined by Chris Williamson - is the idea that many women are setting their dating standards higher than the pool of available men can realistically meet.
The phrase "Tall Girl Theory" is a playful reference to the fact that few women want to date men shorter than them - a throwback from our evolution, and this extends to education level, success, status and several other metrics. In earlier times, women rarely got the fair education they deserved, but since the 1980s, women have outperformed men educationally in Western countries. By 2023, around over 60 % of U.S. college graduates are women (1, 2) — but many still hesitate to "date down." This is just the metric of education - we haven't touched on self-growth, social skills, confidence, income, success and the numerous other aspects of life, women are often outperforming men. Add to this the cultural fantasy of the "6-6-6 man" (six foot, six-figure income, six-pack abs) - another phrase that has gained prevalence in the U.S - and suddenly, very few men tick all those boxes, and this is contributing to an epidemic loneliness and feeling of disappointment and bitterness (from both genders) than ever before.
Medium Trigger Warning: Yes, this article might be slightly triggering for some, but I hope it stimulates conversation and maybe even some changes in perspective.
Videos
- YouTube: Chris Williamson's "Tall Girl Theory" - Why Women Are Outperforming Men - 8 mins - Chris Williamson's "**Tall Girl Theory**" frames the modern mismatch well. He shares that **78 % of women want to date a man as educated or employed as they are**, while that expectation isn't reciprocated by men as strongly. [oai_citation:0‡YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RCUdvfwr_U&utm_source=chatgpt.com) - YouTube: What is the “High Heels Effect”? - 1 min - If you have a short attention span!
The Data and Williamson's Lens
- Educational imbalance: Women now earn the majority of college degrees, narrowing the pool of men who match or exceed that level. 3 - Heightened standards: Williamson cites that most women expect parity or elevation in partner status—this is the essence of the "tall girl" dilemma. 4 - Men's social struggles: He also brings up that 15 % of men have zero close friends, and 80% report not approaching a woman because they fear seeming creepy. 5
These factors—high expectations, fewer visible male options, and social barriers—are converging to create a dating environment where fewer people connect.
The result... the projections like by 2045, nearly 45 % of women aged 25–45 will remain single and childless. 6 is a sobering reflection of where things are heading.
Personal Backstory
Every so often, a friend tells me something that inspires an article.... like Janelle's [theory on cheating]. Back in probably 2020, my friend Adam told me about the High Heel Effect in passing, and it blew me away. It described something I'd observed in so many of my female friends. It mirrored their frustration. I'm proud to be friends with so many incredible women, honestly - badass women, smart, independent, deep into self-growth, self-sufficiency, and... most of them struggling to find love, and some of them bitter at men.
Phrases like "men are all players"... or "there are no good men around" is generalized to all men, when it fact it applies to the narrow band of men they are attracted to... and I want to correct them and say "no, the men you are attracted to are all players".
To get even more personal. It's sometimes awkward hear these complaints because I feel like I've worked hard on myself to become a good man. I'm six foot four, I earn a six-figure, I have a PhD, I'm a gentleman, but I'm not in the 10% of men who get all the attention on online dating, so it's very hard for me to find matches. Only very briefly I found a cheeky way to make my profile stand out slightly (using playful captions on Tinder), so for a glorious short window of time I had some matches, but had my account blocked when I accidentally posted a link to one of my books on Amazon to a match, and Tinder assumed I was soliciting sales. Ouch! But I digress. In theory I'm a catch, but I'm struggling, so it makes sense to me why so many men are giving up and feel like they can't compete. At my lowest points I feel the same. The high heel effect isn't just about height - else my height would be enough.... if you are expected to be ahead in every metric, then you'll probably fail in one.
I heard this theory in 2020, but only 5 years later, I wrote this article. I should have written it sooner, because even if it sounds brutal, I hope it will make men and women realize that there's a different kind of pandemic - loneliness and unrealistic standards - affecting human happiness. I'm proud that my friend Anna and I run Conscious Speed Dating in Brisbane to help combat the negative effects of online dating, and hopefully it affects a few people (to give hope), but overall it's a few drop in the ocean. I've added a couple more of my observation in your inflection point in dating - which I can summarize here as saying that the bitterness that many women feel from not finding good men and being approached less as they age... and the bitterness that most men feel from feeling below the bar and therefore invisible from an early age - these contribute to the feeling of loneliness in both genders.
The Evolutionary Lens
If I put on my old science hat for a moment, I would say all this align with an evolutionary tug-of-war:
- Women often seek resources, security, and partner competence. - Men are drawn to signs of fertility, youth, and physical vitality.
Neither dynamic is inherently wrong, but when both expectations are idealized (the “6-6-6” myth), the dating market shrinks rapidly. Stats show that one in three men, ages 18–30, has not had sex in the past year — reflect how disconnected men are becoming in romantic life 7 8. Women too are having less sex, and less relationships than ever before. Is all lost?! Nobody wants to "settle" or "drop their standards", so I feel like my challenge to all my friends as been simple:
- Change your metrics - Be a little more realistic about what's out there, what kind of people find you attractive, and focus on the quality of persons heart instead of their height/attractiveness and so on. In other words - fight against the cave man attraction that made sense in cave men times, but does not serve well in a modern age. The idea of "dating up" has exited for a long time. This isn't just being picky — it's a systemic narrowing. So instead of waiting for the mythical "perfect" partner, maybe it's time to redefine what qualifies as "up." - Take accountability - Generalized statements like "all men suck", "women are shallow" or "men are superficial", don't serve you. An oversight from both men and women has caused your predicament, and consider if your own attractions or behaviours (ghosting, shaming, etc) have been helping or hurting the opposite gender.
Disclaimer: These are general trends—not iron laws. Not every woman wants a six-figure partner, and not every man seeks younger partners. But these patterns are worth knowing to adjust how we date, relate, and connect.
Conclusion
Understanding the High Heels Effect can help both sides shift strategies:
- **Women**: Consider dating more for values, empathy, humour — not just credentials and physical appearance. - **Men**: Engage socially, lean into authenticity, grow confidence in approaching — because the pool is shrinking, not you're just invisible.
At the end of the day, attraction is primal, but connection is crafted. And sometimes, lowering a heel a smidge - not the standard - can make the world of difference.
Sincerely,
Andrew Noske
See Also
- An incredible theory about cheating
- Masculinity scale
- Femininity scale
- Your inflection point in dating
Links
| Acknowledgements: Adam for telling me this theory... only too me five years to finally put it into words, as I think it's a good theory for many of my friends (of both genders) to be aware of. |
