Femininity scale
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The 0 to 10 "Femininity scale" below is a tool to spark conversation around what it means to be a woman in the modern world. Traditionally, women were expected to be soft, nurturing, and submissive. In recent decades, we've encouraged women to claim their power and embody more masculine qualities — leadership, independence, decisiveness. This is beautiful and necessary. But have we overcorrected to the point where some women feel they must be everything all at once - strong and soft, fierce and endlessly nurturing - while men, in turn, feel unwanted or useless? It's a delicate dance, and one we rarely talk about honestly.
My Graphical Representation of the "Femininity Scale" (0-10)
The idea: Many men today are quietly giving up on romance, feeling unappreciated and unsure of how to show up. Meanwhile, many women are feeling exhausted, overextended, and often under-celebrated. Somewhere along the way, we've lost the art of polarity — the joyful dance of masculine and feminine energies that creates attraction and keeps relationships alive.
This isn't about returning to outdated gender roles. It's about finding your authentic expression and creating a space where both people feel valued, safe, and deeply desired.
A Personal Anecdote
In one chapter of my life - in Hawaii - I noticed many of my badass female friends, without realising it, had a tendency to emasculate or objectify men. They'd joke about how men were "useless" or "just there for lifting heavy things," and while it might sound funny in the moment, that energy can be quietly devastating.
One of my dearest friends - let's call her Sarah — is an incredible teacher. Powerful, commanding, endlessly inspiring to her students and others around her. But sometimes, that same energy could spill over into her personal life in ways she didn't expect. Sarah used to wonder why men seemed so drawn to a petite, friend of ours - let's call her Bunny. One day, we were all on a massive hike together, and Bunny turned to me in a soft, sweet voice and said, "Hey, could you please help carry my backpack Andrew?".
I felt a rush of joy — a simple moment where I got to step into my masculine side, feel strong and appreciated. In that instant, I understood: Bunny made men feel wanted. Needed. Masculine.
Many men today crave that feeling but rarely receive it. They don't want to dominate or overpower; they want to support and protect — but only when invited to do so. When men feel constantly criticised or unappreciated, they may withdraw, or worse... look elsewhere for that sense of being valued.
At the other end of the scale, being too passive or overly submissive can create a relationship without challenge or growth, one that lacks true partnership and equality.
The magic lies in balance: knowing when to lean into your softness and when to stand fiercely in your power. When you understand your feminine expression and invite your partner into his healthy masculinity, the dynamic can become electric. You grow together, not in opposition but in a powerful dance.
Why (Integrated) Femininity is Sexy
I personally adore the modern push for strength, independence, and drive in women. It's a powerful message, but not when the pendulum swings too far. And sometimes it does. Men (and people in general) appreciate a woman with the ability to lead, to achieve, to hold her own in the world... but we are descended from cave people. We descended from times where survival depended on nurturing, attunement, and the capacity to weave community together. That instinct is still in us — the attraction to someone who feels open, warm, deeply attuned, and capable of creating safety and harmony around her.
An overly hardened woman can feel closed off, like she would push everyone away or never let her loved ones see her softer side. It's why images of radiant, playful femininity — someone laughing freely, moving gracefully, or embracing life with openness — feel so magnetic. They represent a woman who can be fierce and independent, but also able to soften into presence, care, and connection.
All these qualities — strength and softness — are needed to help people feel safe, seen, and inspired. And that's sexy.
Sincerely,
Andrew Noske
Unqualified Advice
A Message to Women
Ask yourself honestly: what feels authentic to you? What expression of femininity brings you joy and makes you feel alive?
This scale is not a prescription. It's an invitation to self-reflect, to understand how you move between softness and strength, and to communicate that clearly with the men (or partners) in your life.
Notice when you might unintentionally emasculate or diminish a man's contributions. Instead, celebrate the ways he shows up for you — even in small moments. Appreciation is one of the most powerful tools you have.
When you can hold space for your partner to step into his healthy masculine, while you stand in your radiant feminine (however that looks for you), a beautiful polarity is created. One that deepens intimacy and invites playful, magnetic energy back into your connection.
A Message to any Men Reading This
Don't give up on romance. Even if you feel unappreciated or overlooked, know that your strength and presence are needed more than ever.
Women today are under enormous pressure to "do it all" — to be both warrior and nurturer, leader and caretaker. Many of them long to surrender into softness, but only when they trust that you can hold them safely.
Find the courage to ask what she truly desires. Celebrate her power and her softness equally. And most importantly, show up as the strong, grounded man she can lean into when she chooses.
See Also
- Masculinity scale - Your turn, fellas! You didn't think you'd get away scot free?!
- Lead and surrender scale - A fun look at dynamics. Woohoo!
- An incredible theory about cheating - A theory from a friend. Pretty edgy.
