Love to lust scale
The scale below represents a very quick gauge of whether two people align in dating intent. Your answer is not static by any means, and the most amazing people are the ones who catch you off guard. Maybe you've just had a breakup and don't want anything serious, but then you meet your exception and suddenly you think only of them. Nobody knows for sure... but if one person wants "no strings" and the other person wants to marry tomorrow... well I just saved you a potential awkward or bad date.
Keep in mind... you are only doing yourself a disservice if you lie. Tell the truth, and if they do too, you might find you are on the same page.
My Graphical Representation of the "Lust to Love Scale" (0-10)
The idea: It's hard not to generalize, but guys often want sex... very often. Women want sex just as much really, but often might want that to come with a relationship. So the issue? Asking a guy "what do you want" or "what do you seek", he might bias his answer towards what you want to hear or change the subject. I know because I've done it before, I'm only human. For the right girl I might be 7-8, but often I feel more 4-5. A scale like this makes easier to just be dishonest... it makes you think what's important. If you meet someone and realize the chemistry is different from what you expected, maybe your general plan was to be casual, but with them, you see yourself being serious.... or vice versa! You never know... but whether you want something deep and lasting or something lustful and spicy like a shooting star while you're on your vacation.... well either way good communication is critical.
For years now, I've felt like internet dating is a very odd dance where people try to get to the bottom of what the other people is seeking without revealing their own hand. In March 2020, I created a "COVID-19 Safety Scale" image which was partly comedy, but was also a useful gauge for friends on how serious you are taking covid. I realized I wanted to make a "love to lust scale" in the same style. I tested it out as just a message on online dating... and it worked really well - most women really appreciated it! You don't need the graphic honestly, you can just paste this:
Hey, so let's be sensible about this! Where do you see yourself on a scale of lust-to-love (0 to 10).
10 = You wanna get married very soon.
5 = You like connection
0 = You just wanna get to sex, not much else.
The important thing is you get them to answer first.
Based on feedback I already got from friends I decide I should mention that yes, there are many, many factors which affect how "serious" someone is. One of the biggest factors right now is this pandemic! You have to be responsible about dating, but also so many people are evaluating their lives and even thinking of moving.... so people are all over the place. Another huge factor is age and your stage of life. I very much appreciate women who are upfront about wanting babies "within X years".... even if it scares me off, they know they don't want to waste time on someone who isn't ready for kids or may not want them at all. There are so many other factors though - I like this scale because you don't have to explain your life story and last relationship, and yet it might spark that conversation if you are an open book. At very least it might be interesting to think about why you are where you are. I know I've been thinking about it a lot during covid!
Another friend said: "Isn't this just a fancy way to ask if someone is DTF or DTM?". DTM = Down to Marry apparently - that was new to me. I had to laugh, because there's an element to truth to that.... yet it's never as simple as a binary answer like that. At least this is a scale that leads to fun questions.
Human nature fascinates me, but it's not at all my area of expertise. Some men and some women will absolutely hate the idea of this scale. And that's fine. Some people will love the idea. Polarizing people is helpful. It stimulates conversation. :)
There can be a wonderful magic to just chatting and flirting and making jokes. My favorite conversations on online dating - the ones that have resulted in great dates and often more... well they started that way. Witty banter leads to attraction, maybe even some suggestive messages and then you are actually seriously looking forward to meeting that person. You have rapport before you even meet. That said, I joined Bumble in July 2020 and quickly realized a lot of women on Bumble (the one where women initiate conversations) want to get to the bottom of things quickly. How early is too early to ask someone their intention without ruining the conversation? It really depends on the person, so you have to gauge it. This is basically a tool you can use - don't expect it to always get what you want. Some will appreciate the "New York" style no bullshit approach this offers... some feel far more comfortable beating around the bush with niceties of conversation for many messages, and then even at the stage of dating... well some people take years to admit they really were not that serious on wanting anything long term from the very beginning. I think lots of us can benefit from being more bold.
Will this mean you're less likely to get lucky in finding great sex? Probably. But does it mean you're setting yourself up to match only people on the same page with good communication and probably way better sex. I believe so. But what do I know. I graduated with studies in diabetes, not dating.
PS: Feedback is most encouraged! :)
- Flirting comfort scale - Very similar to this page, but regards flirting banter with a potential lover.
- Sex drive scale - Not for everyone!