NOTE: This page is a daughter page of: Jokes
So hypothetically you meet an amazing girl and she happens to be a yoga instructor. You say you're going to tell her a funny yoga joke every day, but you look online and a lot of them are rubbish. I feel like half of them do the "na-ma-going-to-stay" routine, which is only half funny once.
Here I've made up some of my own joke jokes and I've (hopefully) slightly improved on the few that made me giggle a little. :)
Hope you enjoy!
Short Yoga Jokes
What's your Flexibility Like (1)
--- Yoga joke of the day #1 ---
I wanted to take up yoga.
I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".
--- Yoga joke of the day #2 ---
A yoga instructor killed a student before class started......
He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.
Yoga Candles (3)
--- Yoga joke of the day #3 ---
The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts.
A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
The teacher answers: "scented candle".
How do you Know (4)
--- Yoga joke of the day #4 ---
How do you know when someone has reached inner peace during yoga?
They won't shut up about it.
How do you know if a guy teaches yoga?
Don't worry, he'll tell you.
How does a girl know if a male yoga teacher is straight?
He'll offer you private free lessons.
How do you know if he's professional?
He'll show up to your free private lesson wearing pants.
Credits: This one is mostly me
Protons Bend (5)
--- Yoga joke of the day #5 ---
How can photons bend so easily?
They practice light yoga.
Naked Yoga (6)
--- Yoga joke of the day #6 ---
Psychologist: "What is your problem today?"
Patient: "Nightmares... I teach yoga, but the new trend is naked yoga... most of the class shows up naked."
Psychologist: "Wow, that sounds amazing actually! I'd be happy to see naked yogis all day."
Patient: "Not if you taught at a retirement center like me."
Credits: Mostly me, but I think I head a similar one somewhere else
Yogis Don't Drink (7)
--- Yoga joke of the day #7 ---
Why don't Bikram yogis drink?
It interferes with their suffering.
Six Final Months of Bikram Yoga (8)
A doctor tells a woman she has a fatal illness and only six months to live.
"Is there anything I can do?", she asks.
"Yes, there is," the doctor replies. "You could take Bikram Yoga every day for the next six months."
"How will that help my illness?" the woman asks.
"Oh, it won't help your illness," says the doctor, "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity."
Star Wars Yoga Joke (9)
Hans Solo walks into his bedroom after a long day fighting storm troopers. He is shocked by what he sees and he shouts, "Oh my God Leah, no!"
She explains, "But I told you all about us."
He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"
"Embarrassing this is..." (says Yoda).
When Yoda teaches his students yoga, do you think he tells them not to apply "too much force" when they try a new position?
Bad Girl at Yoga (10)
"Say you're a bad girl."
"I'm a bad girl."
"Oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do..."
"Ooh I'm gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice."
Credits: upjoke - mostly unedited
Drunk Instructor (11)
I think my yoga instructor was drunk today.
He put me in a very awkward position.
A yoga student asked his teacher, "Am I allowed to send you email?"
"Yes," replied the teacher, "But no attachments please."
Yoga in the Matrix (13)
My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercises.
I just dodged a bullet.
Yoga Inner Peace Acronym (14)
A student asks his yoga teacher: "What's the secret to finding peace as I do yoga".
"Well I practice these 4 concepts: Contemplation. Relaxation. Acceptance. Peace.", the teacher replies.
"That sounds like 'CRAP' to me".
Credits: not an original concept
Yogi Humor Stretch (15)
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
Yoga Pant Stats (16)
A recent study found that 90% of the women that wear yoga pants don't actually do yoga.
The same study found that 100% of men didn't care why they were wearing yoga pants, they were grateful regardless.
Stretching the Truth (17)
My yoga teacher convinced me that I would become a master in my first month of lesson. I don't think she was lying, but she was probably stretching the truth.
Standing Corrected (18)
My friend told me if I did yoga it would fix my posture. I didn't believe him at first.
But I now stand corrected.
Dating the Instructor (19)
I started dating my yoga instructor.
Now we're friends with zenefits.
Ballsy Move (20)
A yogi is complaining to a friend over coffee:
"Girl I hear you. I'm sick of men who stop to stare and even yell crass things at me when I wear my tight yoga pants at the mall. I just yell back at them: 'I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable and empowering and they make me feel sexy. Who cares if your kid can see my balls?!'"
Question and Answer Jokes
Drunk People and Yoga Pants (1)
Q: What do these three things have in common: (1) little kids, (2) insanely drunk people and (3) yoga pants.
A: They will never lie to you.
Inquire About a Job (2)
Q: What does a "help wanted" sign for a yoga instructor say?
A: Inquire Within.
Out of Shape (3)
Q: Why was the woman so angry after yoga class?
A: She was bent all out of shape.
Everything Pizza (4)
Q: What does a zen yogi master say when ordering a pizza?
A: Make me one with everything.
Yogi in Prison (5)
Q: What happened to the yoga instructor who was arrested for selling drugs?
A: She was sentenced to a long stretch in prison.
Tall Yogi (6)
Q: How did the yogi master get so tall?
A: He Gu-ru.
Change Coming (7)
Q: Why couldn't the yogi find any coins outside outside his studio?
A: Because change comes from within.
Yogis on Christmas (8)
Q: Why do yogis get so excited about Christmas?
A: They love presence.
Dyslexic Cow (9)
Q: Why was the dyslexic cow so relaxed at yoga?
Q: Why do yoga teachers feel threatened by kindergarten teachers?
A: Kindergarten teachers let their students roll out mats and lay down without charging $40.
Long Yoga Jokes
Yoga Pants at Church (1)
--- Long yoga joke of the day #1 ---
A man and his inappropriate dad were sitting at church to decided if it was a good place for the son to get married.
Suddenly a beautiful African American lady walk past in a tight outfit - she's wearing incredibly sexy bright blue yoga pants. I'm talking drop dead gorgeous. She bends over to pay her respects to the lord and you can see all her amazing curves thanks to her tight fitted yoga leggings.
After watching her bending over, my dad points and comments "Holy Jesus, those should be illegal in this place of worship!"
The son turns to him and says, "They were, dad, for hundreds of years. Then we had a civil war and freed them."
Credits: upjoke - this was claimed to be a true story, but I edited a little and I'm still worried it's a bit strong, but hopefully people understand that it's a humorous quip.
Three Yogis Go to Heaven (2)
--- Long yoga joke of the day #2 ---
Three yogis arrive at heaven in a single batch. God is a the Pearly gates, splits them up and says to the first: "look, we just have too many fancy yoga people in heaven these days, I can only let you in if I feel sorry for you".
The first guy says, "Well I think you should feel sorry for me!".
"I was at a yoga retreat with my wife, but I felt like she was staring a little too much at the yoga instructor in his tight pants and his toned body. I convinced myself I was just paranoid, so for my inner peace and closure I went to visit the yoga instructor in his room and I walk inside but he wasn't there. When I get downstairs, I hear loud grunting sex noises inside, and I go into a rage. The door is locked... I start kicking down the door and when I bust in I yell at my wife 'where is he!'. I look everywhere and nothing but then I noticed there are ten fingers on the railing of the balcony outside. It's him! He's trying to hide from me in just his underpants and I'm so angry that I start hitting his fingers. He pleads me to stop, but I keep going and he falls down. He's hurt, but definitely not dead... so in my growing rage I grab a heavy mini fridge from inside, and throw it down onto him. Unfortunately at this point the rage is so much I have a heart attack and die on the spot."
God looks stunned, "Well I generally don't condone murder, I'm surprised you admitted to that so readily, but I do feel sorry for you, so I'll let you in".
Then god goes to the second guy.
The second guy says, "You'll definitely feel sorry for me!".
"I had just finished teaching a yoga course, to help out all the wonderful people who come for my guidance. I drink a wonderful health smoothie, and I start doing stretches on the balcony of my hotel room in my underpants. Suddenly, when I go from warrior one pose to warrior two, I slip on my smoothie, and fall right off the edge. Luckily I have great reflexes, so I catch the railing of the room downstairs, but some crazy guy starts yelling at me. He hits my fingers, and I fall... just as I realize my beautifully toned legs are broken, the guy throws a mini fridge onto me and I'm now here.
God is almost speechless, "We generally don't like yoga instructors, but you had the worst day ever, so you can go inside".
Finally the third guy comes up. "So funny story. I was folded up lotus position and hiding in a mini-fridge.... and suddenly the fridge start to move".
Credits: upjoke - then edited by me to be more yoga focussed
Practical Yoga for Men (3)
--- Long yoga joke of the day #3 ---
Gary walks into a yoga studio and see several different groups of men of different sizes doing different warm ups. The instructor greets him.
"Welcome to our 6 step program, practical yoga for men!
Most of our men start at level 1... These men don't yet have the balance to pass the police sobriety test, but they soon over come that."
He points to a chubby group of guys attempting a one legged pose with limited success.
"At level 2, you'll have enough core strength to tie your shoelaces without needing to sit down."
He points to a less chubby group of guys doing warriors 3.
"At level 3, you'll have the stamina to sit with your kid for hours without cramping up".
He points to a group of guys in lotus position.
"At level 4, you'll be bendy enough to use airplane restrooms and seating without injuring your back."
He points to a group of skinny guys in happy baby.
"At level 5, you'll be have the physique to be shirtless and take amazing dating profile pictures that help you date fitness girls and finally get laid sometimes."
The instructor points to a group of ripped guys doing headstands and other impressive poses.
"Wow, that's really terrific! I guess nobody makes it up level 6 though?" The man says, and points at an empty area of floor.
"Oh no, we've had lots of yogis reach level 6! At level 6 you reach total satisfaction. Those are the guys flexible enough to suck their own penises. They tend to stop coming to lessons because they mostly stay at home at that point."
Credits: I did this one... it was my first yoga joke, I hope it's okay
Banned from Church (4)
--- Long yoga joke of the day #4 ---
A man goes into church for confession.
"Forgive me father. For I have sinned".
"Tell me your sins Barry", says the priest.
"It's the damn yoga. I know I'm not supposed to have engage in sex before my wedding, but my finance just took up yoga a few months ago ahead of her dress fitting. The problem is she was already a blonde knockout and now she's sexier than ever before with her toned body. I already loved her curves, but this is something else... I've been practically watering at the mouth watching her practice her stretches and then finally, this morning I gave in to temptation."
"What happened Barry?".
"Well father, this morning she was trying to reach for a health juice on a very high shelf. She wasn't quite tall enough to reach it, so she's on her tippy toes stretching her arms up and she's wearing a new pair of the sexiest skin tight yoga leggings. After months of temptation the sight of her perfect yoga ass was too much. I dropped what I was holding, tore down her leggings, bent her over in front of the shelves and just went wild on her. Like a primal man. The lust was so intense we both reach screaming orgasms within minutes of hard passionate sex. I came everywhere."
"Oh gosh Barry", the priest said.... trying to compose himself. "While I appreciate your honesty, this isn't one of those half-hearted city churches, we take pre-marital sex very seriously and I have no choice but to ban you and your fiancé from the church.... for life."
"Oh no priest. That's really bad news... my fiancé is going to be really upset. This is our second lifelong ban in one day.... earlier today we got banned from Whole foods."
(follow up after the punch line)
"Wait.... you mean you had sex in Whole foods."
"Yup, the produce section....... they say the lord is always watching, well so are the guys behind the security camera. They called in the cleanup crew before we were even finished."
Credits: I wrote this, but it's modified from something I heard a comedian say when I was young.
All Girl Yoga Jealousy (5)
--- Long yoga joke of the day #5 ---
Tina goes to an all girl yoga class with a male instruction. Unfortunately, the class feels very competitive, and Tina is jealous of the three stunning blonde girls who sit at the front like teacher's pets and always seem completely zen during mediation. Meanwhile Tina is sweaty and panting to keep up.
So Tina waits till the end of class and approaches the instructor, Mario.
"I know I'm supposed to reach over peace, but I'm so jealous of those three girls!"
Mario giggles. "Oh you mean Harmony, Butterfly and Rainbow?! Don't be jealous of those skinny white girl from the marina. The reason they are always zen is because they come to class early and take a tonne of hallucinogenic drugs."
Tina laughs too. "Oh that makes me feel way better, no wonder they seem so happy if they are high as kites! But what about you Greg... You don't take drugs and you are always seem glowing and happy during class?"
"Oh, that's because I'm sleeping with them."
Credits: This one is mine.... Sorry it's a little naughty.
Asleep During Yoga (6)
--- Long yoga joke of the day #6 ---
A man opens his eyes the end of a yoga class and realizes everyone is giggling at him and he's the only one on the floor still. Now this is a very shy guy, so he rolls up his mat and avoids eye contact. After everyone is gone he goes up the female teacher and says "Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed... I think I feel asleep during your class!".
"Oh yes you did George, right at the beginning", she smirks.
"Oh my gosh, this is really embarrassing, I was laying down that whole time?".
"Yes, but umm... well I feel like I should warn you that it gets worse".
"Oh no! I didn't.... did I snore? I've been told I sometimes snore".
"Yup, you started snoring, pretty loudly on an off, for the full two hours".
"Oh my gosh, that's so embarrassing, I probably can't show my face her for a month, I'm so embarrassed."
"Yup..... but it gets worse."
"Oh, I didn't.... did I", he whispers, "did I pass wind?".
"Yup.... a couple of times, everyone laughed each time".
George is really upset at this point... he puts his hands on his head.
"Holy cow, this is humiliating, I won't be able to come to yoga for 2 months before people forget".
"Umm.... yes, but it gets worse".
"I don't understand, what else could possibly have gone wrong?"
"Well.... let's just say that you were laying down in Shavasana position, but your little guy was doing a proud standing warrior one."
"What do you mean?".
"You had an erection George."
George is speechless. "I'm ruined."
"It gets worse.", she says. "I did try to help you when I noticed what the girls were all pointing at your little warrior. I came over to your side and try to rolled you over, but you started moaning 'Oh Susie' and 'Oh Susie you're so beautiful'. And then you just flopped onto your back again."
George turns white. "Oh this is my worst fear, I have a secret crush on Susie from the class."
"It's not very secret anymore George, everyone in the class knows."
"Oh gosh, I think I want to go home and cry. I don't think I can come back for a year."
"...... Oh it get's worse."
"How could it get any worse?!", George exclaims.
"At the end we always do three OMs, and even though you were asleep you were so excited you moaned OM louder than anyone and then I'm pretty sure you OMed in your pants."
George just stood there in shock. Sure enough he noticed his pants were wet. He sunk his head.
"Look George, I pride myself on being honest, and you probably don't want to come back to this class, because nobody here today will forget and you're always going to get laughs after what happened. I know you're super shy and I don't know if my students can focus when they're laughing."
George is at the pinnacle of shame... he holds his head really low and he starts walking out in silence.
"Wait, there is one great thing to come from this George", the instructor says.
"What could that possibly be", he says as he turns back.
"Well maybe you've never been told this before, but you have a very impressive sized warrior one. I've never seen one so big honest. And this was a two hour class. Not many men can maintain any upright pose for that long... Susie wants me to give you her number. She says you can come over to her place anytime so she can give you private workout... and that you should get more sleep now, because you won't be getting any sleep at her place."
Credits: This one is mine. I was basically imagining everything that could go wrong in yoga... I told it once to friend's and they all said "awww... that's sweet" at the end, instead of actually laughing, but that's still a positive I think. It's fun if you tell it passionately and act out just how distraught George is.
Instagram Hell (7)
--- Long yoga joke of the day #7 ---
A girl arrives in heaven, and Jesus is at the Pearly gates looking at her file.
"Yeah, I'm sorry you got hit by a bus as you left yoga, but I'm even sorry to say you didn't make it into heaven, I have to send you downstairs."
"Exxxxcuise me. You're not letting me in.", she says.
"Hey, it's not personal..... We typically tolerate yogis in heaven, but it says here that you were also an instagram model".
"No, I'm definitely getting in... do you have any idea who I am. I have 2 million followers".
"Lady, I have 2 billion followers, but your ancestors decided to nail me to a cross and now we have rules about who we let in. Your file says you never contributed anything to the world, you just ranted to strangers about how perfect your life is and took a bunch of photos which objectified your own body and pretended like that was a real job. You put all your time into your appearance, and not into education or developing a personality. You didn't do anything kind or positive for anyone else on the planet, you are the epitome of selfishness and vanity, and now you pay the price by going to hell."
"I'm going to call my dad, he'll fix this. And you'll be in big trouble Mister Christ."
"Pretty sure your dad is in hell too. And your cellphone won't work here. Last time I checked it was my dad who wields all the power around here, not your dad."
The girl pauses for a second. "Okay, so like, I don't know much about this hell, can you at least describe it to me so I know how angry to be."
"Lady, you are about to be sent underground into the hottest place on earth. You'll exist in a steaming hot conditions surrounded by a bunch of emaciated undressed strangers, with lifeless eyes, devoid of any personality and struggling for breath. You are going to be yelled at and berated by an evil little man and forced into all kinds of torturous positions. Sweat will pour from your body constantly. There is no temperature adjustment and it will never end."
The girl claps her hand in excitement: "Oh super perfect! That sounds great!".
"Wait, why are you excited?".
"I love Bikram yoga!"
Credits: This one is mine. I dated an influencer once - in my defense I didn't know what an 'influencer' was at that stage. Oh yes, she was beautiful, but a very shallow life and I felt like an idiot for thinking she was a real entrepreneur (which she had connived me she was) and I had flown to NY to meet her.... But then I remembered I had also gone to see NY! Ask me about my brief dating podcast career and you can hear all about it!
Australian Yoga (8)
A fun surfy bloke from Australia called Bruce, moves to California, and he's needs to get a job so he doesn't go broke. He sees an ad that says "yoga instructor needed", and he thinks to himself: "hey, I always stretch before surfing, how hard can it be?".
He walks in to apply and they say "You look pretty fit. We actually have a beginner class starting right now, if you need the money you should lead it".
"Okay great!", Bruce replies.
... "You have yoga teaching experience right?".
He lies and says "Sure".
.... "Good, but just to help you get started we're going to send Charles in to watch you. Charles studied yoga at Stanford".
Suddenly Bruce feels uneasy, but it's too late to back out. Luckily, when he gets to the classroom, he notices a poster on the opposite side of the wall which is called "Basic Yoga Positions". It's close enough he can see what each position looks like, but it's slightly too far to read the writing and know the name of the position. So he asks the class to take two deep breaths and gets started in the first position, and thinking to himself "Hey, I can totally pull this off".
.... "You know Bruce, it's customary here to announce each position as you assume it", says Charles.
"Of course, I was just getting too that.... This one is called....... Man catching a cricket ball".
... Now of course Charles is a little bit of a pretentious jerk so he replies: "That's funny Bruce, I studied yoga at Stanford... and I've been to Ashrams all over the world, and I've never heard of any cricket ball pose. This pose is called warrior one".
"True blue Charles. Well we have different names for poses in Australia, but you can help me interpret them to help us all out", Bruce replies. Luckily no-one in the class has ever been to Australia, so Bruce is pretty sure he's outsmarted Charles, as he takes the next pose.
"Man pointing at horizon", he announces.
... "At Stanford and everywhere else that's just, warrior two", Charles replies but Bruce ignores him.
"Excited kangaroo", says Bruce.
... "Chair pose".
"Excited wombat", says Bruce.
... "Happy baby pose".
"Excited goanna", he announces.
... "Nope, Cobra pose", Charles replies.
"Horny dingo", says Bruce.
... "Downward facing dog".
This continues for the full hour, and the lessons is almost over, when Charles finally realizes that Bruce has been looking at the basic positions chart at the back.
... "Okay, so this beginner lesson is almost over, but before we leave, why don't you show us a more advanced pose Bruce?"
Bruce panics, but luckily there's an inspiration yogi poster nearby. It shows a woman doing the splits and it's called the "Monkey pose". Bruce hasn't tried the splits since he was a kid, but he's too invested now... he slowly works down, but then he's also pretty wobbly at this stage and he slips on his sweaty feet and falls down into full splits. Immediately he screams in pain.
"Oh, I broke my little dingo", he yells.
Now...... you might expect Charles, being a smug Ivy League prick, would say something smart-ass at this point. Like maybe "yup, we call it that too", or "squashed banana split". Everyone in the class is expecting Charles to say something. But god damn-it, there's a code among men when someone injures his groin this badly. Instead of being a jerk, Charles is worried Bruce really did break his dingo, so he immediately his fancy medical training kick in... he jumps in front of Bruce, bends his head right in there to look and feels for signs of a groin injury.
At the back of the class, one of the guys whispers to the guy next to him. "I'm confused, isn't he going to tell us what they call this one in Stanford?".
The neighbor leans across and replies. "Oh I went to Stanford too, so I can help... we call that one 'asking your professor for an extension'".
Credits: This one is mine. I like to make fun of Stanford students. :)
Play on Namaste and Nah-I'm-a-Gay (9)
A man goes to a new yoga class for the first time, and stares uncomfortably at the female instructor. He stays behind after yoga class laying on his mat. Everyone else has left and the female instructor walk up to him:
"Wow. You've been shooting me creepy looks all session. Let me guess 3 things about you."
"What's that honey?".
Firstly, when I ask you to leave you'll say 'na-ma-going-to-stay" - thinking like that's funny, and then you'll hit on me.
Secondly, you act tough, but I have a boyfriend already, his name is Devin, he's hotter and stronger than you, he's waiting for me outside the class and when I offer to introduce you to him, you're going to run away like a scared little boy.
Thirdly, you came to this yoga hoping to get lucky today, but you are in for a rude shock because you will never get lucky in this place."
"Oh wow, you read me like a book. That's close.
Firstly, instead of namaste I'm going to say 'na-I-am-a-gay', and even if I was straight I could do better.
Secondly, I'm going to tell you that I already know your hot boyfriend.
Thirdly, the reason I'm on my back still is that I think I pulled a muscle just before class showing your him the downward dog. I'm shooting you weird looks because I felt obligated to come to this class and warn you to test yourself for chlamydia."
Credits: I feel like there is gold in "nah-I'm-a-gay", but I haven't figured out how to turn it into a funny story. This was my closest to a funny story, but I don't find it funny... more mean than funny perhaps. Let me know if you think of something that might make people laugh.
Animal Yoga Jokes
Short Animal Yoga Jokes
I decided the market for yoga classes for animals is prime territory, but I have some open questions still:
Do you think dog yoga classes have a "human poses"?
If I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys.
Should I call it "peace of ass"?
If I run a yoga studio for felines.
Do you think my yogis would get go catty?
A pack of wolves are doing yoga and one of them asks another: "wow, who's the new super mindful wolf that came to class".
"That's 'Aware wolf', we stay away from him."
The Animals Invent A Human Pose
A bunch of animals rally together, because they all have yoga poses named after them and they feel it's demeaning. For instance there's a butterfly for butterfly pose... a cat, a cow, a camel, a crane, a crow, a cobra.... a dog, a firefly, a fish, a frog, an eagle, a horse, a lion, a locust, a monkey, a pigeon, a peacock, a rabbit, a swan, a scorpion and finally a tortoise.
First of all they sit in a circle and say "holy crap there are a lot of animal-names poses"! These animal names are all actual yoga poses, and talk about how demeaning each pose is as they demonstrate the pose.
The frog complains that "frog pose" doesn't even look like him, but actually, it kind-of does. Still, all the animals are in agreement when the peacock (representing on of the most challenging poses) says: "Well to show the humans how offensive this is, we're going to make a 'man pose', in the most embarrassing position possible.
"Oh I know this one... says the cat, I've been watching my owner, and he stands on his two back legs and throws one hand down his pants and kind of jerks is around."
So the animals all try to do this human pose, but the only ones that gets it successfully are the monkey and the dog.
"What do you think dog, is it demeaning enough?", asks the cat.
"Oh these humans are fucking brilliant! No wonder they evolved to free up their hands!"
Credits: Inspired after I saw these poses: Yoga Poses Named After Animals - sooo many! After the joke: Monkey agrees and they both decide to leave the meeting, because they've found something better to do.
Animal Yoga Sex Positions
There are (true fact) about two dozen yoga positions named after animals, and about half of them look like sex positions. The animals are not happy about this, so they decide to assemble together all the affected animals into a room... including a dog for downward dog, a cat, a cow, a cobra, a camel, a fish, a lion, a rabbit and so on. At the meeting they present a slideshow covering each of these positions in detail and how offensive it is. The swan stands at the front pointing at each women in each pose explaining how each pose is offensive and overly sexual.
The dog is especially offended "It's confusing enough that these humans wear tight yoga pants and assume positions where they look like they are waiting to be mounted.... why do they name them after respectable members of the animal kingdom".
"It's an outrage!", says Monkey.
"Wait.... Why are you here Monkey, we decided that monkey pose doesn't look like a sex position, it just looks like an idiot doing the splits and pointing into the air."
"I know, but I've been banned from watching porn in my house, and this slideshow is the next best thing."
Lists for Yogis
Signs that You Are Not a Real Yogi
Top 10 list of clear signs that you are not a real yogi
- You catch an Uber four blocks to your yoga studio, instead of walking.
- You remember when yoga was called Twister, and even with that huge square mat you still fell off.
- You tried to buy yoga pants, but they didn't have any your size.
- You just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for your beer.
- Every else is doing happy baby pose, and you are doing a crying baby.
- Instead of bringing a "holier than thou" attitude into class you are a mess of insecurity hoping to just survive the lesson without a groin injury.
- Everyone else in class talks about playing sports after class and your idea of sport is the television.
- Whenever the teacher says "there's also an easy version of this pose" you sign in relief.
- When the teacher asks you to set an intention, you either answer out loud or think "to make it to the end of the class".
- Everyone else has a reusable water bottle full of health juice or spring mineral water, and you're hiding a flask of liquor.
More reasons you are too lazy:
- Your favorite pose is the one where you lay down.
- Everyone else looks like a commercial for Lululemon or zen life, and you look like you're still in your pajamas.
- Your teacher asks you a second time to try touching your toes and you say "I am trying".
- When the teacher asks for chair pose, you use it an excuse to sit down.
- When the instructor asks everyone to close their eyes, you use it as a chance to collapse when nobody can see you.
- You pick the back of the class, not to perv on other students, but so they can't see you wobbling in every position.
- You've been known to skip yoga class in favor of.... not going to yoga class.
- Instead of buying to bulk lessons, you do the pay as you go because you weight up your delusions against your budget and you decided against wasting money.
- After your yoga sessions is finished, you don't feel energized at all, you just wanna go home and lay down.
- Yoga would be better if they served beer and they play sport on the television. Actually forget the yoga.
More reasons you are not good enough for the title of yogi:
- You're the only one laughing when someone farts, and the teacher reminds you that it's "a beautiful and natural sign of relaxation".
- You think yoga is a competition. Or you think that's it's not a competition. Just contemplating this idea makes you a bad yogi.
- You go through the class making noises and faces like you are receiving an extremely painful blow job.
- You didn't get a chance to do yoga this morning... or any other morning of your life.
- Your teach tell you to feel relaxed, but yoga has only ever made you stressed and anxious.
- If you think yoga shouldn't be about fashion, and your outfit didn't cost a month's salary.
- When asked to clear your mind, you start to make lists in your head.
- Whenever you hear a name like "spirit flower" you giggle a little bit.
- Whenever you hear words like "authentic self" you roll your third eye. Or you would, if you knew what the **** fuck a third eye was.
Credits: This one is mine, although I did pinch the bit about a coast from elsewhere.
Signs that You Are Doing Yoga for the Wrong Reasons (for Girls)
A list of clear signs that you are doing yoga for the wrong reason (for girls).
- Your second biggest reason for practicing yoga just to boost your spiritual street credit.
- Your first biggest reason for practicing yoga is social media.
- You've ever posted to instagram with any hash tag ending in "life". #yogaforlife, #bestlife, #blessed, #liveyourbest, #stop-using-instagram-you-poser.
- You own more than one item from Lululemon.
- Your main motivation for learning a new pose is for sharing a photo to social media.
- You can't hang out with your old friend without talking about your new health lifestyle and suggesting they join your regiment.
- You use words like "woke" when you hang out with your new friends, who share your point of view that everyone on the planet should be doing yoga life, forgetting that most of these regular people are doing the type of work that helps make humanity function, instead of just bumming around.
- You apply make-up before yoga class.
- You disagree that a good workout involves sweat, because that's so unattractive. It's far more photogenic to get a hair blowout and never break a sweat.
- No morning stretch or health shake feels finished until you've taken a selfie.
- One or more of your online dating photos is you doing contortion poses on the beach.
- You have a blog or instagram post with the word "spiritual" in it.
- Your idea of inner peace is fitting into a size two and having the sexiest body in the class.
- You think yoga is a competition, and you're crushing it, because that brat Tiffany from your high school can't even put her feet behind her head.
- You pretend you're upset that your tight yoga pants are attracting attention from the opposite sex, but really you're upset that more of them are looking at your best friend's ass and not yours. #objectify-my-body.
- You were hoping yoga would help you achieve more of the karma sutra positions, but you still cramp up in basic cowgirl.
Credits: This one is mine, although I did pinch the bit about a coast from elsewhere.
Signs that You Are Doing Yoga to Meet Girls (for Guys)
A list of clear signs that you are doing yoga for the wrong reason (for guys).
- The only thing that helps you survive a yoga lesson is imagining each yoga position as a sex position.
- When the yoga teachers asks if you're thirsty, you tense up because you think she "found you out", but in fact she's just talking about the water fountain outside.
- Without the presence of sexy members of the opposite sex, you probably would have collapsed an hour ago, but the idea that they are watching you has you pretending you're "totally fine" and not in the least bit of pain.
- You're not sure if you chose the back of the class because you like looking at bottoms (and pretending not too), or because you don't want people to see you wobbling in the first 5 minutes.
- You feel like dropping words like "my yoga practice" into your next date will help you get laid.
- You wanted to buy tight fitting shorts and shirts, so you took up yoga as an excuse.
- You check yourself out in the mirror before, after and during each stretch.
- When you lay down at the end, your first thought is "but what if I get an erection".
- When you get dressed for yoga, you always look a second time at your sock draw and wonder if you should stuff one into your underpants.
- You update your Facebook immediately with yoga photos, because you think that will make it easier to ask to "Facebook add" the girls in your class. Saying "let's be Facebook friends because I'm also interested in yoga" seem more friendly than the honest version "I want you contact details because I'm interested in seeing you without the yoga outfit".
Credits: This one is mine, although I did pinch the bit about a coast from elsewhere.