Tinder messaging system

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NOTE: This page is a daughter page of: Tinder messages

February 3rd, 2017, my dear friend Kelli was salsa dancing with me, complaining about dating in the Bay Area (both of us were!), and between songs show showed me a Tinder chat screenshot which may or may not change my Tinder experience forever.

Tinder message hotline system!

For a cheesy pickup line, press 1.
For a generic greeting, press 2.
For a crude sexual advancement, press 3.
To repeat this message, press 4.

Sophia: 3

To make a dick appointment, press 1.
To send nudes, press 2.
To repeat this message press 3.

Sophia: 1

Jesse: Please hold while we connect you to a live representative. Jesse: This is jesse speaking. I see you have selected to get some bomb dick, when works for you?

I read this and cracked up laughing immediately. It reminds me of the semi-famous Psychiatric Hotline chain mail from two decades ago. I have no idea what Sophia was thinking, or how she reacted to his last message, but I'm sure she was laughing at his first one. I decided I wanted to try out this approach but make it slightly my own. The opening message is great, so I didn't want to change it too much, but I wanted to type out messages that are more me, and you'll see these below. If you try it yourself please change it and heck - send me feedback. These messages won't get you a date necessarily, but they can at least start a conversation, and make a girl smile if you are clever. I've voiced my curiosity/hate relationship with Tinder in this page..... but if you're going to stick with these messaging systems, at least have fun with them right?



    Andrew Noske andrew.noskeATSIGNgmail.com

Andrew's Tinder Messaging System

(0) Opener

Welcome to Andrew's patented Tinder messaging system.
For a cheesy pickup line, press 1.
For a boring generic greeting, press 2.
For a crude sexual advancement, press 3.
To repeat this message, press 4.

... If you are unhappy with these options, or just men in general, press 5.

(0 > 1) Cheesy pickup line

You selected (cheesy pickup line).
What this means about you: you enjoy a good laugh and quietly judging a man's pickup line on a scale of lame to uber lame.

I want you almost as much as I want world peace.

Would you enjoy another?
To hear about your body, press 1.
For a reference to your part in creationism, press 2.
Press 0 anytime to return to the main menu.

(0 > 1 > 1) Cheesy shallow pickup line

You selected (shallow pickup line).
What this means about you: you don't want to admit it but even after scolding a man for a pickup line you secretly feel validated.

Is your body from McDonald’s? Cause I’m loving it!

Mmm... now I want a burger.
For a pickup line referencing your part in creationism, press 1.
Press 0 for the the main menu.

(0 > 1 > 2) Religious pickup line

You selected (vaguely religious pickup line).
What this means about you: part of you might like Donald Trump, and it makes you cry at night.

When God made you, he was just showing off.

Truly he saved the best for last. Why is it we personify God as a man though? And why do we say "men are all created equal under god". What about women?
For a pickup line which doesn't make you think, press 1.
Press 0 for the the main menu.

(0 > 2) Generic greeting

You selected (generic greeting).
What this means about you is that you are: (a) boring, (b) hoping someone asks about your day so you can vent or (c) so used to dull guys you'd be uncomfortable hearing something with personality.

Hi there, I liked your profile. How was your day?

Press 1 to speak to an operator about your day and/or confusing ex-boyfriend problems.
Press 0 anytime to return to the main menu.

(0 > 3) Sexual advance

You selected (sexual advance).
What this means about you: you are (a) cataloging outrageous tinder messages to laugh and share with girlfriends or (b) secretly amorous and bored tonight.

To make an appointment for amazing nasty sex, press 1.
To receive another dick pic to add to your Instagram, press 2.
To send nude photos, press 3.
Press 0 anytime to back out before this gets weird!

(0 > 3 > 1) Sex appointment

You selected (penis appointment).
What this means about you: you are really bored tonight, and perhaps way too trusting.

To list out the state of your live organs (so we can sell them on ebay), press 1.
To speak to a live operator about your organs, press 2.
Once again, press 0 to return to sanity. I implore you. :-P

(0 > 3 > 2) Penis photo

You selected (penis photo).
What this means about you: ... yeah, we don't know what's wrong with you either sorry. Daddy issues?

ERROR: Our messaging system was unprepared for this scenario. If you read Andrew's profile you'll hopefully see he's too classy for that. He's never sent a penis photo to anyone. Also: what girl has ever, in history, has ever swooned over a penis photo?

You can press 0 to return to the main menu, but you may have just crashed this system.

(0 > 3 > 3) Nude photo

You selected (nude photos).

Wait... seriously?!

You can press 0 to return to the main menu.

(5) More options

Congratulations, you have passed the first test. Sadly you can never go back and hear more pickup line, but your new options take you towards an original tinder experience.

To see an embarrassing video of Andrew, press 1.
To have Andrew write you a short poem about you, press 2.
To describe your ideal man to Andrew, press 3.
To hear these options again, press 4.

(5 > 1) Video option

You selected (embarrassing video). What this means about you: you are a curious cat.

For Andrew's dating profile video, press 1.
For a really strange cell video from my Andrew's neuroscience days, press 2.
Press 5 anytime to return to the special options menu.

(5 > 1 > 1) Dating video

You selected (dating video).
What this means: you are about to see all of Andrew's first date material, so you might consider skipping the first date... or maybe all of them! You are also contractually obligated to "like" his video if you click it. Those are the rules. :-P

To see Andrew's dating video, click: www.noskeprofile.com

If this video made you smile, press 1.
If this video made you laugh, press 2.
If this video makes you confused about life, sit and ponder for a while.
If this video makes you want to date Andrew, and you are the type of girl who appreciates a gentleman, press 3.
Press 5 anytime to return to the special options menu.

(5 > 1 > 2) Science video

You selected (science video) unexpectedly.
What this means: you are a totally nerdy chick! You might just appreciate science more than men.... at least science is dependable.

Well here goes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFQZm7UEHFY

If this video excited you then you might be Andrew's kind of lady.
If you want to see another random science video.. press 1.
Press 2 to see Andrew's dating video... because science won't buy you dinner.

Special answers

Q: Long reply

I am just a robot, so I cannot recognize non-numeric responses. If I was not a robot, I might say that ______ .

Q: Multiple answers

Wow. I am a robotic answers machine, not programmed to pass judgment, but asking for multiple options?! That seems greedy to me.
How about you just pick one for now, and if you're a good girl Andrew will show you other answers later.

Q: Are you a bot?

I'm totally a bot! You <WORK AT AMAZON AND HAVE LOVELY BLACK HAIR>, so you're smart enough to see that immediately. Now give me a numeric response, please. :)

Q: Strong bot accusation

Dear <insert name>. The suggestion that I am a robot makes sad and confuses my copper circuits. Please enter a number from the previous menu.

Q: Prove you are real

You have chosen unexpectedly.... My master was unprepared for this scenario. His exact words "who is this girl?!". :)

Q: Are you just copying and pasting this

Whatttttt ?!!!

I resent the mere suggestions that....
Okay, yeah you got me, but it is my own little experiment: http://andrewnoske.com/Tinder_messaging_system

Now how about we actually get real. None of this usual garbage back and forth. I'll show you the content of my character if you show me yours.... and then we'll decide if we should meet. :)

Reactions to my System

Okay, so now you're curious... how to women answer these questions? I created this little wiki page on Feb 4th in the morning, and I had a queue of about 50 Tinder matches... if I had more time I might have written them poems to make them smile (and illicit a better chance of response), but they instead became my guinea pigs. I send the "Opener" to all of them. Most replied within 24 hours..... I would say ~30 did. And what did they choose?

  • A surprising number of girls answered (3) (sexual advance)! As you can see, the girl in the original text from Jesse did the same - I think mostly they are just curious! Unbelievably, lots asked for a dick picture, so maybe all my assumptions are wrong. Women are perhaps just as gross as guys, they just are secretive about it?! Haha.
  • Only ~5 girls wanted (1) the cheesy opener.
  • Only 1 opted for (2) (boring greeting) because she "wanted to know me".
  • About 7 girls went directly to the (5) (special menu), which was lovely, and some of them made it to my dating video. Others stumbled there.

It's hard to gauge numbers, because it's very early days, and at least 5 girls wanted multiple things at once... they would answer "2 & 3", or type me a text saying they wanted to hear more. So far an interesting experiment, although from 25 girls not a single date... I think they laugh but decide I must be strange. I don't care! A few girls expressed general unhappiness, but that's fine, I just tried to chat to them normally, but actually it felt weird, because few seemed playful enough to make jokes - they were the girls with raised defenses.

Most interestingly.... probably 10 girls accused me, at some point, of being a robot... and maybe I should care about that, because some might block me as a suspected bot! Copy and paste isn't great, but I like to think I'm spreading some joy.

Again, my advice here is that most girls are curious and excited to see something different, yet maybe afraid to date someone outside the box. We'll see. Either way I think if you want an actual date, go with writing a poem instead as your opener - that's been more successful for me in landing a date. :)

Oh, and if you noticed the video! I think a video is an excellent idea. Girls give great feedback, but the problem is none of them have a video, so when I meet them I'm the one at disadvantage. Has resulted in some nice friendships. The poem thing I only started a week ago, so it's early days there too! Once again girls in silicon valley I want to guess are the flakiest girls in the world, so developing strategies to help ensure > 5/10 girls here don't cancel your date (or not show up) is something else I need to work on.

... Wow - I'm way too honest when I type. :)

If your a guy who tries this experiment on a rainy day.... well give me some credit please - or at least change things up to be uniquely you, then let me know how it goes. If you're a woman, feel free to email me also andrew.noskeATSIGNgmail.com - I'm curious for feedback and reactions. It's a weird experiment, but Tinder itself is a weird and probably damaging social experiment.... at least this one is pretty innocent!


    Andrew Noske

See Also


Acknowledgements: My wonderful friend Kelli Blum for sharing the original message with me - this is why it's great to stay friends with any wonderful people you have dated. Especially those who are so sweet they would refer you to their friends! :-P