Safe sex responsibility scale

About

NOTE: This page is a daughter page of: Graphic Scales

NEWSFLASH: I've also published a shorter version of this article to medium.com! Please support me by adding a "clap" at: The Safe Sex Responsibility Scale

The 0 to 10 "safe sex responsibility scale" feels like the most important of the many personality spectrums I have created. Why? Well, it might just inspire you to become safer, to get a comprehensive STI test and have improved integrity going forward. This, in turn, might save you and/or your next partner from a lifelong STD infection or an unplanned baby. Where do you fall on this scale and which of your friends would most benefit from you messaging them this scale next?!

My Graphical Representation of the "Safe Sex Responsibility Scale" (0-10)

File:Safe sex responsibility scale v2 1000w.png

The unofficial Safe Sex Responsibility scale.

(full res widescreen image)

The History of this Scale

This scale is humbling in many ways. I can't believe it took me this long to create, and I also wish I could share it widely. Sadly, marketing is not my forte, so it's unlikely to gain wide circulation, even though it might deserve it. Finally, it's humbling because while I lived in San Francisco, I wrote a book about consent, I learned a lot about safe sex conversation from various workshops, I came up with my own safe sex conversation and yet I fell from a 9 to a 6 since my last test. I was still getting tested every 4 months, but I had dropped the ball on asking for detailed information to mitigate risk. I'd show people my STD results, but not ask to see theirs. Creating this scale will inspire me to climb back up.

The CHIP Safe Sex Conversation

There are many safe sex conversation guides out there, and people in the non-monogamy community swear by STARS... but here's one that is only 4 letters long and goes into the detail of asking people about their history.

C.H.I.P. - Consent, History, Integrity Protection.

Here's how you start a CHIP safe-sex conversation:

• "Hey, so would you like to have an adult conversation about an adult topic?" ...... (let them answer)
• "I think you are terrific and I was hoping to have a safe sex talk in case things progress." ...... (let them answer)

C onsent

• "I'm very excited by the possibility of intimacy [or-specific-new-type-of-sex] with you."
• "I would love to hear your thoughts and all of your boundaries regarding consent."

Always remember that cohesion is not consent. One of the unexpected good things to come out of covid is that people realize even a kiss should be prefixed with a "can I please kiss you" (see: consenttokiss.com). Sex-positive people will also realize that this is the right moment to voice their specific boundaries - some concise examples include: "nothing anal" / "no rough biting" / "I don't like my nipples touched" / "I would love it if ...", "I'm uncomfortable with ...", or and so on. This will improve everyone's experience. Every person is unique and may have triggers.

H istory

• "Before we continue, avoiding STD spread is important to me, so I'd like to hear your STD history, and I'll go first."
• "My last comprehensive STD test was tested X months ago, and I tested negative - the results are my phone if you'd like to see - and I have had X protected and Y unprojected partners since that test."
• "Have you been tested anytime recently, and what is your history since?"

If someone has an STD don't freak out - over 50% of sexually active Americans have caught one or more STDs (HPV especially), and many are removable (Chlamydia) or can be protected against. Be incredibly thankful you asked (phew), incredibly appreciative of their vulnerability, then look it up together on a website like this to maturely decide how to proceed. If you haven't been tested in the last few months try STD Testing - The Comprehensive Way for advice on getting tested for as many STDs as possible. Most STD appointments by your doctor will only cover a few (HIV/chlamydia/gonorrhea) unless you specially ask for the works.

I ntegrity

• "In terms of integrity, I just want you to know I care about your health, so if anything changes with our situation I will let you know."
• "Also we might want to talk about relationship intention."

If you build a connection with someone and sleep with them, there's a good chance you'll have sex again, and this comment acknowledges that you don't just have this conversation once and assume you are good forever. You are holding yourself to a high level of integrity and you should agree that if you sleep with someone new, or your situation changes in any other way, you should tell them before engaging in sex again.

P rotection

• "I [do/do not] always use condoms and I'm also curious what forms of protection you might be on."

Aside from STDs, the best partners should talk about what birth control they are on. Some men have had a snip-snip, and many women cannot take birth control because it adversely affects them. Birth control or not, you'll still want a condom against STDs, but at least you can be more confident that you won't be a baby daddy/baby mama in 9 months. If not already, you might want to become versed in the risks and failure reates associated with different contraceptions when used alone or in unison.

The Challenge of Radial Honesty

For some, the real challenge of having an honest, safe sex talk is that maybe they have had a few sexual partners since their last test, and they are worried you will judge them. Lots of people might like to feel special and like they're the only ones, but when sex comes into the equation, open communication becomes critical. I know people back in the US who caught lifelong STDs and they certainly wish they had insisted on asking for a full picture... because even if it feels a bit awkward during the moment, the payoff is trust and setting yourself up for a wonderful intimate relationship, versus one where there's guilt or fear that certain critical information is missing. As you become more adult, you learn that people shouldn't be shamed for being sexually active, but celebrated for their honesty and the vulnerability of initiating a conversation about what sex means and what rules people might have to keep themselves and others safe. ❤️

Why Discussing History is Important (Number of Partners Since)

It was hard to fit this on the graphic, but if someone tells you they tested negative 4 months ago, it's just the first question... because for all you know, they've had unprotected sex with 12 band groupies since then... and thus are a huge risk - more risk than the person who was never tested, but only had one monogamous partner their whole life. Let's not forget that many STDs can take 6 months to show up in testing, so you may even want to assess what happened six months before their last test.

Here are some other questions you might ask them:

• [How many people|who] have you had sex with since your last test? ...... (the number of people with and without protection in the form of a condom is important to understand risks)
• What was tested for, was it a comprehensive test?? ...... (blood, urine, oral & anal if applicable - for: HIV, HSV (herpes), Syphilis, Hepatitis A/B/C, Ghonorrhea & Chlamydia... and maybe others - some countries will be better than others at a comprehensive test)
• Can I please see your results on your phone? ...... (because you can't always trust people sadly, and most know if it's comprehensive)

Sharing Your Results

Not many people seem to have their results on hand to show in the heat of the moment, so it's a good idea to prepare ahead. On a first date, it might feel pretentious (there's a high likelihood you don't like each other, let alone end up in bed that night), but if you are going on a date where you have agreed that sex is a possibility... then asking ahead of time can help make you more relaxed during your date. In my case I have a Google Drive folder I can share with a simple URL link to the latest results in PDF form - and you might have your own system. I've never met anyone who insisted on a physical printout, but if you wanted that level of assurance, then you should absolutely ask!

Everyone likes to say "I'm clean", but two issues with this:

1. The words "I'm clean" have negative connotations, because the opposite is dirty and in reality, almost everyone has some form of HPV and doesn't know it because they don't usually screen for it. A more accurate phrase is "recently tested negative".
2. Think of some of the dishonest people you've encountered in your life... would you take their "I'm clean" at face value at the risk of your own health?

If you want someone else to share their results, sharing your own first is a good practice!

Integrity and Intention

I think integrity and intention are both important words... ultimately you should ask someone their relationship intention to avoid heartbreak, but I went with the word integrity instead because people who do the safe sex talk often pat themselves on the back and then drop the ball. In modern dating, never assume that who you are sleeping with is just sleeping with you. You need to specify that if they do sleep with anyone new, you need them to tell you, so you can treat the risk appropriately. You can let them know what it means, or what conditions you have ahead of sex. This is part of adulting!

The Effectiveness of Condoms

Many people might read this and think pish-posh. If I always use a condom I'm a master at safe sex. Also, condoms are not 100% effective - they often fall off, or break. Wikipedia has a good comparison of birth control methods that explains that even with perfect use (careful application), condoms can still fail as often as 2% of the time. Finally, unless both the man and woman are wearing male and female condoms respectively during oral sex, you can very easily catch an STD. That's why conversation is important before foreplay, not just before vaginal penetration.

Normalize Safe Sex Conversations

Apparently in Europe, they are much better at talking about sex. In the US and to a lesser extent Australia, we're a bit more embarrassed and ashamed to talk about sex so openly... and as a result, there are a lot of people who do a poor job of disclosing their sexual history and risk. Worse still, there's a trend among young people to not use condoms and so STDs are once again on the rise (read WHO article).

Disclaimer

I really want you to note that this scale is not calibrated in any way! If it ever were to go a little viral (which it probably won't because I'm no marketing person) I would like to imagine some safe sex experts reach out that could help me fine-tune what each level means while still keeping it humorous, because that's the whole point... to keep it approachable. Not to shame people completely, but to make them seriously consider the ramifications of being or sleeping with someone who isn't well-tested or versed in the safe sex conversation, or who is not diligent with their use of contraception. If someone does a lousy job or tries not to use a condom with you... well, then they likely are doing the same thing with many people. At the end of the day, you can never mitigate risk completely, but you can become better discerning. More importantly you can educate yourself about contraceptive types - yes, even including the dental dam (because oral sex can transfer many things) - and STDs etc.

Hope you all have amazing and responsible sex out there!

Sincerely,

    Andrew Noske

PS: Don't hesitate to reach out to me to give feedback or support! :)

See Also

More Fun Scales:

• Flirting Comfort Scale - What level of flirting do you like?
• Sex Drive Scale - Another spectrum, for people who enjoy topics like sex!
• Love to Lust Scale - For love or lust. No right answers. :)

Conversations:

• The STARS Safe Sex Conversation - Well-liked in the ethical non-monogamy community.
• The CHIP Safe Sex Conversation - A conversation focussed highly on STD avoidance.