If God created man and woman,
Then God is one seriously horny guy.
He's now up in heaven admiring his creations,
By masturbating hard in the sky.
He didn't need to give us sexy bits,
He didn't need to invent hardcore sex.
Reproduction could have been a simple as "shake my hand",
But he made it fun when he made it complex.
He didn't need to give us orgasms,
He didn't need to make teenagers feel permanently aroused.
But by Jesus when you touch a woman the right way,
She'll yell out in pleasure aloud.
He didn't need to invent squirting,
It doesn't really help make a child.
But thank God a large fraction of people out there,
Like their sex to be loud, wet and wild.
They say he created man in his image,
Which seems a little narcissistic to me.
But if he's the only one of his kind,
What point to his erection can there be?
If God created a naked Adan and Eve,
I must conclude that he's one horny fuck.
It is pure accident he gave us multiple holes,
And genitals which feels good to suck.
Some say he commanded "wear a condom" and "chop off the tip",
But I think that was an honestly misunderstanding.
This whole planet is his free porn hub channel,
So let's all make our sex lives outstanding.
I hope this poem doesn't offend too many Christians,
I merely am thanking your god.
For creating such a sexy creature as a woman with curves,
And for creating me with a magically stiffening rod.
Some of your followers God, say you don't condone all sex,
And maybe not a fan of man on man action.
However I say they're wrong, since your son dated a hooker,
And his "all men's club" sounds like a gay party attraction.
Is it any wonder that in the throws of passion,
We often yell out bible references with glee.
We yell "Oh my god" or "Jesus Christ",
It sounds like blessing to me.
God I may not be religious,
But I am very thankful for sexual bliss.
It's one of my favorite flavors of life.
So I'm raising up my wine glass to this:
"Thank you oh lord, for sex. For masturbation. For perky breasts. For horny people. For the variety of interracial porn. For threesome. For sex toys. For voyeurism. For ejaculation. For the miracle of multiple orgasms. For embarrassing teenage erections. For multiple holes. For enough sexual positions to fill a book. For the miracle of squirting. For lesbian porn.... For gay porn. For kinky porn. For bondage. Even if you don't visit those particular channels on porn.com, you're still grateful that they're there for that day when you feel curious. Thank you for for steaming orgies. For the option to pull out. For the option of anal. You are the hornist bastard in the universe. God bless... yourself."
-- by Andrew Noske
I wrote this poem in Dec 2019 while on a plane from SFO to Atlanta. I mostly wanted to stay awake, and I didn't have a book, so I was thinking: "what's something fun to write about?". Sex of course! But I wanted a unique take on sex.... and it came to me. God is everywhere, he's inside of us and he sees everything. Everything! Well if he created us, then he's surely a little kinky. Does he wear a roman like robe, or maybe leather. I don't know, but he doesn't have anyone his six to have "fun" with, then he probably gets his kicks from voyerism.
If there is a god, writing this poem probably means I'm going to hell. Definitely. Just reading it is dubious. Or maybe the big fella has a good sense of humor and this gets me into a great place in heaven, surrounded by sexy angels. I have no idea... I just hope it makes you laugh. :)