Hoi An - My First Time Assaulted
About
It's the night of my birthday in Hoi An, Vietnam - about one week into my vacation. The night started well but ended poorly.
I was assaulted. It was my first experience of this kind, and it was surreal. To be clear, I was not beaten up, but I was physically assaulted by an intoxicated individual (**strangled and slapped**), and I chose not to respond physically or escalate the situation because it happened in a nightclub (the Tiger Tiger Bar) with many witnesses at about 1:00 am.
He threatened to kill me multiple times. Following the incident, I documented what happened and shared this account with close contacts as a precaution.
This article is being maintained as a record of the incident while I attempt to identify witnesses and gather further information - getting cooperation has been a challenge. If you know this face, please email me.
Full Account
I'm uploading a picture of the guy. He seemed nice enough when I met him — seemed like a charismatic English guy who was part of our pub crawl, leaving from "Riverside Hoi An, Dolphins Hostel & Bar" at 7 pm on March 18, 2026. I believe he was staying there. I was at a different hotel, but thought I'd do a pub crawl (it's been a while) for my birthday — even though I rarely drink anymore, since it was my birthday. There were approximately thirty people in the group, and the atmosphere was friendly. They all sang me happy birthday in front of the waterfront and let me sing the cheesy "land down under" song on karaoke.
I wish I remembered the guy's name. He took the other microphone while I was singing, but later in the evening, we were in "Tiger Tiger Bar". I was dancing with a girl from our crawl who I had offered to teach some salsa, and he cut in - I thought just for laughs - because surely it seemed too rude to be done seriously. Then led her away to the bar, and then I watched him kiss her without asking. At least that's how I saw it. I imagine it's common in many nightclubs. I passionate about the topic of Consent to Kiss, but I wasn't so close I saw exactly what happened, so it wasn't my place to say anything.
Instead, I went upstairs, where it was less crowded, to chat with some lovely people... a lovely young couple on our crawl and a man and woman who were, by chance, from the same city in Brisbane as me. I noticed him loitering downstairs and outside, appearing to wait for the same woman. Instead, the girl came upstairs to sit next to me to continue a conversation from earlier - as we had built a rapport earlier. I saw him come close again, and I was sitting at the corner of the balcony (closed in), so I said to her, “Hey, would you like to swap seats so he won’t just grab you again?” and she said yes. So we swapped — which was good timing, because he was making his approach again.
In this context, it's not really posed as a gentle "hey, can I chat with you?" It's more like an arm grab and I "I need to steal you" - which, for younger women without the experience of learning how to force their boundaries, usually elicits the freeze or fawn response and I'm sure he knows that because he was definitely a ladies' man/player - and some of the guys from his hostel all knew it and commented. He was definitely a smooth talker, bordering on sly, and seemed to know how to get his way with a high confidence and a loud/domineering voice.
He asked what was up, and I responded:
“She swapped sides with me, so you don’t grab her again.”
He looked a little shocked and hung around us for ages. I was having a really lovely conversation with her and her best friend — like, a genuinely wonderful conversation — but nature called, so I had to leave the restroom. Sure enough, when I came back, he had relocated them. He was really worked up, I could tell. This interrupted a genuinely positive and engaging conversation - quite deep and the three of us were all fairly sober considering we were on a pub crawl.
I chose not to engage further and checked my travel plans on my phone, sitting alone at the table aout 15 minutes later, a girl from the crawl joined me and started introducing another woman, and at about hat moment he barged up to me — with lots of people at tables nearby watching — grabbed my neck with both hands, stood over me and yelled at me, threatened to kill me. The two girls took off, which I don't blame them, it wasn't clear how violent he was about to get and from their perspective, I would have had every right to fight back. I was pretty shocked, but I also felt like he wouldn’t do anything in front of so many people, so I just stayed still. I remained still and did not respond, but I'm sure if he'd pulled anything more, people would have rushed to help me. He might have been inebriated, but not that stupid. He then slapped me. Not a punch, an open palm slap on the left side of my face, between having his hands around my neck.
I had definitely messed with his game by giving the girl some breathing space and he wasn't happy about it. I had asked him earlier how drunk he was from 1 to 10 and he didn't answer. It was hard to tell, but when he was strangling me he put his face so close to me he was spitting as he yelled, and he did that for a good 20 seconds at least, I think.
Finally, some staff stepped in to lightly guide him away (I don't think they wanted confrontation), and I hope to kick him out of the bar/club, probably. I don’t know what happened to him after that.... the pub crawl people were almost all downstairs and probably left, I think, and I decided to just wait it out and leave. I told the bar staff and manager what had happened and texted a few friends this zoomed-in picture from a video I took while he was singing karaoke with others.
I'm only here one more day in Hoi An. I need to pick a few things up, so I'm guessing there’s maybe a ~5% chance I’ll bump into him again. Will he apologise? Yell at me again? I really don't know. I am proud I didn't try to fight him — even though I'm bigger — it wouldn’t have achieved anything.
I’ll probably take this post down, but hey — it's also an interesting lesson. I actually think it was a wonderfully run pub crawl, and the Tiger Tiger Bar staff were nice to me. I think they were a bit shocked, too.
Anyhow, my adrenaline is still pretty high. A pity for what started like an amazing birthday, but some people say I should report him. Honestly, I don’t think it’s worth the trouble, but I don’t know enough about this guy — just that he’s English, handsy, and didn’t keep a level head where we could have talked it out like adults. Maybe he’s never done anything like this before, maybe he has. I don’t know. I do wish I had a sleeping tablet on me, though. Not the kind of excitement anyone wants on their birthday.
Moral of the story… well, we all have different values, but I've written about my consent-to-kiss project before as something I feel strongly about. When I tried to push it in the U.S., it didn’t go so well — and I get that. I just worry the whole world is like that.... that it’s okay to just grab a woman by the arm whenever you want. And when people are drunk, it’s all too common.
I thought I was doing a good thing, and I got attacked for it. Ironically, I should have been the one yelling at him, but I would never put a hand around a human being's neck unprovoked. Lots of witness and security footage, so I'm glad it didn't happen in a dark alley.
In a strange way, what I'm most disappointed about was that he cut short a fantastic conversation I was having with the girl and her best friend. One had a boyfriend, another had a recent breakup, so we were talking about that. I gifted the girl my book, so maybe she'll reach out, but who knows. Then there were all the other wonderful people at the pub crawl I had lovely conversations that I didn't get to say goodbye to. I bet if I swung by the hostel, I would bump into someone, but it's not worth the risk.
It's not so much a question about this guy being creepy / handsy and taking advantage of the freeze/fawn response instead of asking in a non-aggressive way. The behaviour was aggressive and escalated quickly. Most female friends I know, including most of my exes, have stories about being taken advantage of many times this way when they were younger, but usually, sometimes as late as their 30s, they look back and realise how they didn't have full agency and didn't feel comfortable saying no. They were coerced into answering the way the guy wanted because of basic people-pleasing tendencies.
PS: This account was written shortly after the incident and may be refined later, but it's late (now past 2 am), and I probably won't sleep till I write this. I might polish it later when I have the chance.
Morning After Decision
So I fed this to ChatGPT - embarrassing that I make lots of life decisions this way, but it certainly helped me make great booking and decision on this trip - meeting some lovely people on tours etc. ChatGPT suggested the same thing that some of the kind people who talked to me after the strangulation gave. I should probably report him - let him know that this kind of behaviour is not okay. I probably won't push charges, but I've asked ChatGPT to generate a letter to Dolphins Hostel and I'll let you know how it goes.
Trouble is... this guy absolutely has the gift of the gab. Most English people are great talkers, but this guy - I bet - can talk his way into or out of anything, so I imagine he'll talk his way out of it, but maybe it will give him pause for reflection.
Interesting, if I'd seen this guy be any more physical with a woman, I would 100% delay my flight to report him to the police, and they’d probably ban him from Vietnam. I won’t do that for myself though. I had to walk to pick up a suit this morning, and it’s weird looking over your shoulder. I’m a 6'4" guy, so my female friends always tell me I don’t understand what it’s like to feel unsafe. Well, today I didn’t totally feel safe — not because I think he’s particularly strong or anything, but he had a terrifying look in his eyes, and at least three times he said if he saw me again, he’d kill me.
It makes me think of the U.S. right now... you have a man who openly thinks it’s okay to grab, and he’s physically mean and unattractive, but full of charisma and honestly, you have the whole world pandering to his whim because they know how quickly he turns on people - even allies.
Sadly, around that kind of energy. high unpredictability, you have to just play it cool and smart. The way I was raised, you certainly don’t assault people, but you also ask to kiss someone (I always have), especially if they are possibly inebriated.
I might have misread the fist part of this story where I assumed the girl was trying to avoid him, as that was the look she gave me (hence I offered to change chairs), but hey - when someone strangles you, there's something deep undying there. I deeply triggered him, and I do hope he's rethinking his values and lessens his aggressive persistence/flirting with women and aggression with any guys who might get in the way of him hooking up each night he goes out drinking.
Two Days After
I contacted Dolphins Hostel to report the incident. The manager acknowledged that the behaviour was inappropriate and confirmed that the individual involved was staying at the hostel and had been spoken to.
However, I was not provided with the individual's name or any identifying details, despite requesting this so I could decide whether to take the matter further.
I was also removed from the "Dolphins Hostel Crew" group shortly after. I had intended to use that group to ask whether any witnesses from the pub crawl could help clarify what happened.
In hindsight, I regret not collecting names or contact details from the many people present at the time. There were numerous witnesses, and it now seems unlikely that either the bar or the hostel will assist in identifying them.
While I appreciate that the hostel responded, I was not entirely satisfied with the outcome. From my perspective, there appears to be a greater emphasis on containing the situation than on enabling transparency or accountability.
I would have preferred a more open and practical approach - particularly given the seriousness of physical aggression in a public setting.
