Difference between revisions of "Ice Cream as Sex"

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(Go Nuts ......................... (a little bit of nuts in your mouth))
(Shapes of Ice-Cream ................ (the shape of your love))
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|-
 
|-
 
|'''Chocolate Sauce'''
 
|'''Chocolate Sauce'''
|Energetic cow-girl sex
+
|energetic cowgirl sex
|Chocolate sauce has always been crazy popular! You can even buy that mass produced stuff that pours over and then freezes solid, but the best kind is hot sauce. It's the mix of hot on cold that helps your taste buds come alive. Chocolate sauce is not your gentle spoon variety, it means maybe throwing your partner around a little bit and riding '''cow-girl''' like a pro.
+
|Chocolate sauce has always been crazy popular! You can even buy that mass produced stuff that pours over and then freezes solid, but the best kind is hot sauce. It's the mix of hot on cold that helps your taste buds come alive. Chocolate sauce is not your gentle spoon variety, it means maybe throwing your partner around a little bit and riding '''cowgirl''' like a pro.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Caramel Sauce'''
 
|'''Caramel Sauce'''
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|'''Sprinkles'''
 
|'''Sprinkles'''
 
|massage
 
|massage
|So may types of sprinkles... subtle, but they always make the ice-cream better. This is the equivalent of buttering up your lover with a little back massage. Melt away the stress of the day, even suggest a foot rub. Maybe try rubbing your lover's back while you are simply embraced and deep inside each other.  
+
|So many types of sprinkles... subtle, but they always make the ice-cream better. This is the equivalent of buttering up your lover with a little back massage. Melt away the stress of the day, even suggest a foot rub. Maybe try rubbing your lover's back while you are simply embraced and deep inside each other.  
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Jelly Beans or Gummies'''
 
|'''Jelly Beans or Gummies'''
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|- {{prettytable_r}}
 
|- {{prettytable_r}}
 
! colspan="3"|
 
! colspan="3"|
 +
 
====Get Fresh ...................... ''(keep it fresh and juicy)''====
 
====Get Fresh ...................... ''(keep it fresh and juicy)''====
 
|-
 
|-
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|heavy petting
 
|heavy petting
 
|The generic peanuts nuts in most ice-cream stores are pretty ordinary, but sliced almonds or pistachio (worship) and then we are talking some pretty wonderful '''heavy petting''' as you get down to business.
 
|The generic peanuts nuts in most ice-cream stores are pretty ordinary, but sliced almonds or pistachio (worship) and then we are talking some pretty wonderful '''heavy petting''' as you get down to business.
 +
|- {{prettytable_r}}
 +
! colspan="3"|
 +
 +
====The Classics ......................... ''(the era of ice cream truck)''====
 +
|-
 +
|'''Chocolate Dipped'''
 +
|well planned sex
 +
|Nothing was more fun than the hearing the ice cream truck and chasing it down. It was a golden era, and to spoil yourself even more you'd asked for your ice-cream to be dipped in chocolate in front of you. This part still lives on in several places. A chocolate dipped ice cream represents anticipation and planning. It's a visual feast, and then you have to carefully decide where to make each bite to keep the integrity of the structure without getting too much of your desert spill onto your chin. You can put this same careful intention into sex. In our highly distracted world, you can write your own menu on the front door of what your lover wants to order she (or he) will go crazy. When you know you're coming home to hot sex, it makes the day a delightful smile of anticipation and gives you a chance to plan out what you want to do. Make it special.
 +
|-
 +
|'''Flake'''
 +
|proud masturbation
 +
|The most magical ice cream trucks had an option of adding a flake. This doesn't represent '''flaky sex''', that's a California thing. A big flake sticking out the side proudly represents a proud penis. You're proud of your penis or your man's penis. I'm not suggesting taking photos of it and sending it to your Tinder matches, just be proud. In this whole book we've only talked about sex and not so much about mutual maturation or simple solo masturbation. Don't just make it routine, be proud and treat yourself... maybe buy some coconut oil and light a candle. Tonight is your night my friend!
 
|}
 
|}
  
  
 
+
Sherbet ?
TODO:
 
 
 
* Flake = penis worship (not american ?)
 
* Chocolate dipped = anticipate - premeditated - planning + joke about condom (also magic shell)
 
* Other thing
 
  
 
===Vessels===
 
===Vessels===
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|-
 
|-
 
|'''Cone'''
 
|'''Cone'''
|Impatient for sex
+
|impatient for sex
 
|You want sex, and '''you want it now'''. I'm not saying you are desperate, but you know what you want, and you are going to consume it before it melts else your fingers will get sticky. The cone adds a delicious crunch. The more scoops you order, the more insatiable you are, Especially if it's a hot day. Maybe you intend to power through several flavors or just a single flavor. The real question is this: do you lick, suck or bite? And what kind of cone did you did you order? Well that's a whole extra dimensions "outside the scope" and scoop of this book, but I will say this: "another sprinkle covered waffle cone, girl you a freak!".
 
|You want sex, and '''you want it now'''. I'm not saying you are desperate, but you know what you want, and you are going to consume it before it melts else your fingers will get sticky. The cone adds a delicious crunch. The more scoops you order, the more insatiable you are, Especially if it's a hot day. Maybe you intend to power through several flavors or just a single flavor. The real question is this: do you lick, suck or bite? And what kind of cone did you did you order? Well that's a whole extra dimensions "outside the scope" and scoop of this book, but I will say this: "another sprinkle covered waffle cone, girl you a freak!".
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Cup'''
 
|'''Cup'''
|Patient sex
+
|patient sex
 
|If you chose a cup over a cone, it means you like to take your time a little more. You don't mind runny ice-cream... in fact a cup gives you the great option to mash up your flavors and toppings into a sexy wonderful paste that you can lick slowly off your spoon. Your friends think you made the inferior choice because you miss out on the cone, but you just smile, because you can always ask for the cone or a waffle piece on top, and their about to drop their ice-cream onto their pants. You got it on lock down.
 
|If you chose a cup over a cone, it means you like to take your time a little more. You don't mind runny ice-cream... in fact a cup gives you the great option to mash up your flavors and toppings into a sexy wonderful paste that you can lick slowly off your spoon. Your friends think you made the inferior choice because you miss out on the cone, but you just smile, because you can always ask for the cone or a waffle piece on top, and their about to drop their ice-cream onto their pants. You got it on lock down.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Bucket'''
 
|'''Bucket'''
|Reliable sex
+
|reliable sex
 
|If you order a bucket, what you're really saying is you want some for later. You know what you want... it's your favorite flavor and you're committed to a whole bucket. You can eat some each night you're feeling like a naughty treat. You are probably in a long term relationship (LTR) already, or seeking one. Your cone-only single friends might mock your Cosco sized bucket, but if you're getting ten times more sex and bang for your buck than they can dream of.
 
|If you order a bucket, what you're really saying is you want some for later. You know what you want... it's your favorite flavor and you're committed to a whole bucket. You can eat some each night you're feeling like a naughty treat. You are probably in a long term relationship (LTR) already, or seeking one. Your cone-only single friends might mock your Cosco sized bucket, but if you're getting ten times more sex and bang for your buck than they can dream of.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Sundae'''
 
|'''Sundae'''
|An "experience"
+
|an "experience"
 
|Served in glass (often a tall glass), with multiple scoops of ice creams and many additional syrups and toppings. You don't just want sex.... you want a memorable experience. Heck, maybe what you really want is to book a little cabin in the woods and make a weekend out if. A weekend of smiles and maybe a little f**king on top of a mountain. Already found someone fun? Then what's stopping you?! She or he will love it... everyone loves a wonderful Sunday Sundae.
 
|Served in glass (often a tall glass), with multiple scoops of ice creams and many additional syrups and toppings. You don't just want sex.... you want a memorable experience. Heck, maybe what you really want is to book a little cabin in the woods and make a weekend out if. A weekend of smiles and maybe a little f**king on top of a mountain. Already found someone fun? Then what's stopping you?! She or he will love it... everyone loves a wonderful Sunday Sundae.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Sticks'''
 
|'''Sticks'''
 
|Quickie
 
|Quickie
|You ordered something on a stick? At least an ice-cream cone melts into the cone, this melts straight into your hand, which is why they come extra cold and comes wrapped up. This is a "convenient" cheap option. You've heard of gourmet ice-cream, but have you ever heard of a gourmet ice-cream stick? It's because they don't exist. The best you can hope for is one of the fancy varieties dipped in chocolate and wrapped in a brightly colored condom... I mean ice-cream wrapper. It will cost more, but there's less chance of a mess.
+
|you ordered something on a stick? At least an ice-cream cone melts into the cone, this melts straight into your hand, which is why they come extra cold and comes wrapped up. This is a "convenient" cheap option. You've heard of gourmet ice-cream, but have you ever heard of a gourmet ice-cream stick? It's because they don't exist. The best you can hope for is one of the fancy varieties dipped in chocolate and wrapped in a brightly colored condom... I mean ice-cream wrapper. It will cost more, but there's less chance of a mess.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''Other Varieties'''
 
|'''Other Varieties'''
|Trying too hard
+
|trying too hard
 
|As if you don't have enough options already, you might ask for ice-cream as a bar, bites, (threesome) sandwich, (just the tip) dots or even a whole cake. As some point you gotta ask "are we just trying too hard now"? Is the cake a gang-bang? I don't even know.
 
|As if you don't have enough options already, you might ask for ice-cream as a bar, bites, (threesome) sandwich, (just the tip) dots or even a whole cake. As some point you gotta ask "are we just trying too hard now"? Is the cake a gang-bang? I don't even know.
 
|}
 
|}
 
 
  
 
===The Ice Cream Store Game (a visualization exercise)===
 
===The Ice Cream Store Game (a visualization exercise)===

Revision as of 20:05, 10 October 2019

Contents

About

What's is your favorite ice? Close your eyes and make a decision.


Finished? Great. Because your favorite ice cream flavor tells us a lot about your sexuality!

Did you chose a boring generic flavor with no toppings? Ouch. Well maybe think of a second ice-cream creation, but this time dream up a more exotic ice-cream, maybe it's a flavor you've always wanted to try. Visualize the process of ordering it from a sexy looking man or woman in the ice-cream store. They ask you to choose the vessel, and what toppings your want mixed in. Imagine how enticing it looks in your hand. Begging to be devoured. Imagine how you'd put it into your mouth. Does this feels a little more interesting than your first choice? Well tough shit, because your first answer remains!

In this webpage you'll read about what your choices mean. It might not be you most common type of sex, but perhaps something you wanted to try ever since that "one time" you visited a porn site. Just maybe this booklet will make you tempted to sample other flavors. If you never try... you'll never know.



Ice Cream as Sex - what your favorite flavor means about your sexuality

The Flavors

Flavor Sex Meaning

The Common Ice-Cream Flavors ....... ("cuz ya basic")

Vanilla plain sex Everyone knows what "vanilla" means. If you've only ever tried vanilla, you are pretty much missionary position only and you've never opened your eyes to much else. You are probably uncomfortable talking about sex and we're proud you've even picked up this book.

Before you get too offended, vanilla isn't actually an insult. It's the number one loved ice-cream all over the world and its essence is extracted from orchids. If being called "too vanilla" is a sore point for you, remember that this is more about them. Even those that make fun of vanilla still love it. Vanilla was probably your first ice-cream experience and guess what else? Vanilla goes with EVERY other flavor and every topping. You can mix vanilla with chocolate, cherry, moose-tracks even f***ing coffee sorbet. What does this mean sexually? It means even the crazy BDSM girl from work, the one who likes to be tied down by her master and have her nipples electrocuted, secretly enjoys a sweet embrace and a loving kiss at the end of the night. Hopefully you've tried other flavors, but you like what you like. Throw in some delightful deep French kissing and you've got French vanilla.

Strawberry cute playful sex One of the three Neapolitan flavors, although nobody can figure out why, and it's usually the last one finished. Strawberry is cute playful sex. Cute like a strawberry in a tiny bowl. Cute like an adorably useless puppy stuck in a shoebox. A strawberry is a sexy fruit, but in an ice-cream context it's a woman who still dresses like a teenager. She giggles when she touches a penis and is probably quite submissive, but so is her partner. She likes it that way. After sex they say "that was fun... now let's braid each others' hair and watch Gossip Girls".
Chocolate your standard slightly naughty sex Contrary to popular opinion, chocolate as your favorite doesn't mean that you're only into: (a) dark skinned people, (b) rough sex, (c) BDMS or (d) anal. Fact is, you think you are kinky but you are still relatively plain. You proudly tell people you're not vanilla, but you are way more mainstream than you realize and one of the Neapolitan flavors. You are akin to the the millions of women that read "50 Shades of Grey" and got aroused because it felt crazy naughty. A month later you finally asked your husband to likely spank you... so now you like to think you're a little bit of a freak. Your poor best friend overseas listened to your story and feels a little bit sorry for you for three reasons: (1) they know American chocolate is shitty artificial tasting crap, versus the rich, layered, delicious, real-deal from Europe, (2) light spanking is still entry-level vanilla in their books and (3) you were turned on by a poorly written book about a creepy rich white dude seducing a vanilla girl. Was there even a threesome scene? Yawn. Chocolate should come in chunks with some crunch, not a homogenous cold mess.
Neapolitan generic partner pleasing sex This is the mix of vanilla, strawberry and chocolate that nobody actually likes. It's for the person who believes in pleasing everyone. This is generic partner-pleasing sex, but because you've simply chosen a mix of the most generic flavors to (hopefully) satisfy your partner, a more sophisticated lover will be pretty disappointed you haven't vocalized or even figured out what you want, let alone what they want. Sometimes it's sexier to say what you like and want to try, or ask your lover what they want, instead of just coming home with a lame ass washed out mix of white, pink and brown. Make an actual decision next time!
Cookies and Cream varied tempo sex Okay, this is more respectable than plain chocolate, because it's got some texture variation. This is varied sex. Different speeds and different positions. There's good reason cookies and cream is popular.... the cookie part adds variety to each bite and the flavor is vanilla-like but it should feel creamier. Just thinking about it makes me aroused. You might start soft and gentle, but you also want to throw or be thrown around just a little. Maybe a hand around the neck - not strangling you, but letting you know you're in for a sweet ride. The more cream the better.
Peppermint / Mint Choc Chip charmingly teenage-like sex Oh wow... you're a mint kind-of person. Mint is a favorite among youngsters before their tastes evolve. Mint represents delightfully wide-eyed sex. You're definitely not James Bond. You're still at a stage of huge appreciation and even shock that a you're allowed to touch a female (or male) body. You might even say "I can't believe this is happening", which your partner hopefully still finds cute. This translates into you wanting to appreciate each stage of undressing and then go down on them for half an hour. Maybe it's because you're nervous, or maybe because you're a generous lover already, and you want them to orgasm once before you get into the crunchy chocolate chips. You're not the type to throw or be thrown against the wall and ravaged... your clothes are removed with care (not ripped off), and yet you're pretty dang happy still, because you get a really sweet cuddle before, after and during intercourse.
Chocolate Chip sex with intermittent great foreplay Okay so we all know this is usually just vanilla with a few specks of chocolate in there, but those sweet crunch bits make all the difference. You know all the vanilla moves, but you also love to throw in the occasional surprise, like ice cubes around the nipple, and maybe you've found other places where the ice will melt even faster. The chips aren't always in vanilla though, they can be mixed in with other varieties, for example coffee chip for an energetic morning rise.
Coffee an efficient quickie It started with "just a cup a day", but now its addiction. You need it in your veins in order to function each morning. You are a person who may work too hard, but you like to play hard too. Coffee is fast efficient sex - it's the girl or guy who believes they've optimized the way to orgasm quickly. Your more spiritual friends have tried to convince you that sex should be about reaching orgasm quickly, or even setting orgasms as a hard measurable goal... but what do those long haired hippies know? You're the top of your field, your bed sheets have 1000 thread count, and you always get the job done in the boardroom and the bedroom. Make it an espresso, I have to get back to the office after this.
Cookie Dough wild "daddy issues" sex Cookie dough is rich. Really rich. It's similar to vanilla, but it's associated with cookies so it can't be good for you. You are a naughty girl, or naughty boy. Similar to chocolate, you probably are more common than you think, but you probably have just enough daddy or mummy issues to make sex fun. Ideally you're not dating an actual "bad" person, the type that will take money from your wallet or try to key your car if you look at their hot friend the wrong way. However, you definitely enjoy being called a "bad girl" or "bad boy" almost as much as you like the words "yes daddy", just before you wild orgasm. Is a childhood with bad parenting worth it if you turn out wild in bed? Some might disagree, but maybe your parents are not quite as bad as you say. Maybe you were just a brat.

Less Common Flavors ....................... (slightly more interesting)

Cherry no sex before marriage Oh that's adorable! A flavor like cherry or cherry vanilla can only mean one thing: no sex before marriage. It's pretty rare these days, so I commend you. Maybe you're super religious, or maybe you just really want to hold out... either way you'll probably marry pretty quickly and because it's your first time, it's going to be pretty dang vanilla, and you'll probably pop a couple of cherries as you awkwardly let it swirl around in your mouth.
Raspberry Ripple / Blackberry feigned innocent sultry sex People might mistake you for cherry ice-cream, but you are not. These flavors are more sophisticated. You pretend to be naive, but anyone with experience will see your cheeky smile and know better. You claim to be a good little girl or boy who's "never done that", but one hour after innocently suggest moving the date to the comfort of home, you are sliding up and down and riding your new lover like a sexual goddess or god. You are probably moaning. Anyone who teases their partner with a sultry "you'll have to show me" is probably pretty confident in their sexual abilities.
Blueberry / Huckleberry ass spanking sex Very similar blackberry's steamy sex except you decide not to act quite so innocent because you love a good ass spanking. Whether you like to be the spanker or spankee, you likely already have the confidence to be suggestive or mention it ahead of time. Naughty girls should be spanked, it's that simple.
Coconut Milk strong lustful breast-grabbing intercourse On now we are talking. Coconut flesh represents your desire for flesh.... amateurs might think this is similar to vanilla, but they don't do sex like you. You don't just spank a bottom, you use your hands to squeeze. Similar color, but you pride yourself on the creaminess of milk. You pay attention to every curve and you like to watch your lover cum at least once. Just like a great dancer, you make the basics look good.
Pineapple Coconut sex on a beach This is beach sex for sure. This is closely related to coconut milk, except you and your lover and on vacation and decided to bring a blanket onto the beach. Make sure you keep out that sand! That stuff dripping down your leg may or may not be sunscreen, but you can easily wash it off in the water where nobody else on the beach can see where your hands are at. And now you both want to try sex in the water. Best vacation ever!
Brownie Bar playful outdoor sex If you think brownie will translate as a reference to anal, it is your own secret game you are giving away. With its rich yet earthy quality, brownie flavored ice-cream means you like rough sex. Maybe you were once a Girl Scout selling brownies, and you are modified by this idea, but now that you are an adult woman, a night of wild sex should sound like a great way to spend Friday night. Even better if it's outdoor sex and better still if it's part of a camping or hiking trip. Gotta love the outdoors.
Caramel food porn sex Caramel is so crazy rich it usually exists as a topping or swirls in another type of ice-cream. Caramel represents food porn sex. Some people are foodies, but you take "food lover" to a new level. For you, ice-cream isn't just sexy, it is actually an instrument for sex... or maybe you prefer to mix in a banana, strawberry, champaign, whipped cream or some other fruit like a peach that you can rub over or into your lover's body before devouring it and making them really moan. Bet that gave you some ideas right? Make dinner tonight a little bit interesting with some fruit in a bowl and a blindfold. Let them guess.
Birthday Cake / Cake Batter selfish or blindfolded sex Ice-cream wasn't enough for you was it? Instead you tried to squeeze one form of dessert into another. You're fun in bed, you like to be surprised and you are sometimes a bit much to handle. We're talking selfish sex and probably a blindfold, because you like surprises. You won't know where the next kiss, or nibble will land from, but the whole experience will make you feel like it's your birthday. Don't forget to reciprocate.

Alcohol Inspired ................................. (where bad decisions and unplanned babies are made)

Rum and Raisin drunk messy sex Rum and raisin can only mean one thing. Drunk messy sex. Raisins are just shriveled gross grapes but the idea of "rum" attracted you because you have a drinking problem. Ever the party girl/party boy, you can't help getting sloshed and then drooling on someone's face in a questionable night club. Next thing you know you are in their apartment and your tummy feels funny, but you're committed to finishing what you started. A whole bowl full of nasty little raisins. Ever noticed that this flavor seems to melt the fastest and make a mess everywhere? I just hope you keep them all down, because tomorrow morning you'll wake up feeling truly nasty.
Margarita / Daiquiri one night stand There are different types of one night stands... maybe you met online but he's about to take a business trip and you both get lost in other dates and forget to contact them back. A Margarita is the classic "we met at the bar, we were both tipsy on sugar drinks". You are cute, they are cute, no other explanation is needed. There wasn't a lot of conversation and a week later you'll forget their name... or maybe you never even asked. The story of a Strawberry Daiquiri is similar, except that she left without her panties. Was it a souvenir or was she just unable to find it in the dark. You'll never know because you don't have their phone number.

America's Flavors .............................. (the land of the diabetics)

Moose Tracks anal You love anal. Good for you! You probably like to be on top, and you're not quiet during sex. Even better. Far more women have tried anal than you might think by the way. Moose tracks is the 9th most popular ice-cream flavor in America. In this country 40% of men and 35% of women have had anal sex with an opposite-sex partner. The more you know.
Peanut Butter Cup anal play Maybe you'd never had anal sex, but you love anal play. No other country loves peanut butter as much as the United States. No matter your political party or religion, peanut butter is a staple here, unless of course you have a nut allergy, and it could kill you. Peanut butter is pretty rich, so not everyone can fit a whole pint inside them, but anal play means you might decide you like a finger or even lip-service around your little butthole.
Bacon something-is-not-quite-right sex Bacon is an obsession in America, to the point where people have even added bacon to ice-cream. Is it any good? Most of us will never know.... bacon represents an obsession with assholes that goes beyond the norm and into questionable territory. If something doesn't sound right, then probably it isn't going to taste very good.
Blue Moon / Marshmallow / Superman needy sex Blue moon is popular in the Upper Midwest of the United States and gets described as "surf-blue, marshmallow-sweet". Mixed together with cherry and lemon it's called superman because it's the same colors as his coat. That kind of insane sugar rush is for someone stuck in childhood who is always wanting more, so we're talking needy sex. The kind of sex that ends with "was that the best you've ever had?". Even if they answer yes, the real answer isn't what you want to hear so go back to your video games.

Spiritual Sex ...................................... (because you need to do something after meditation)

Green Tea / Matcha spiritual sex So spiritual sex is your thing hey? Good for you. One hour of yoga followed by taro cards and barefoot dancing seemed like a nice way to wake up in the morning, but now you need to talk about your feelings to your lover for another hour, and if they are lucky you'll decide to embark on a "journey" together... meaning slow deep connected sex with lots of eye gazing. Afterwards you should talk about it for another hour. Your new friends think you are enlightened, while your old friends think you should "get a real job". They're just jealous they don't have a shiny business card reading "life couch, massage and tea ceremonies". Plus you sell beads. The real question you often ask yourself is this: are you actually enlightened, or just a selfish poser who posts instagram pictures and tantra articles, hoping you're on a journey towards more sex, not necessarily of better sex. That's the difference between genuine green tea and the cheap mass produced stuff... the difference between match and green tea. They are both from the same plant, but matcha is powdered.
Peach / Passion Fruit authentic tantric sex Peach is a rare flavor, but when you come across it you gotta try it! Good peach ice-cream is a very genuine authentic loving and connected sex. Ask yourself this: "if your orgasm was any type of fruit, what would it be". Peach is a good answer to that question. Smooth to the touch, juicy in your mouth. Even if you've never read a book on tantra, you'd be pleasantly surprised how much of it is already intuitive to you. Try reading "tantra for men" and thank us later. Some will be shocked to learn that you can orgasms from anywhere in your body, and orgasm is not the same as ejaculation. It's possible to orgasm multiple times without a single male or female ejaculation, but it only works if you are deeply present a relaxed. Time to buy another book!
Lavender really slow deep sex Lavender flowers are known to represent purity and calmness. You can't eat a lavender ice-cream quickly... you relish the taste on your lips. You might be one of the few people who understands that there is slow sex and then these is really slow sex. Millimeter by millimeter. If you've never tried drawing out the initial penetration from seconds to actual minutes (yes that's really slow), your mind is about to be blown. It will send shivers through your spine.

Passionate Fruity Sex ...................... (because fruit is good for you)

Mango passionate sex Mango is passionate sex. You do every position but missionary, in a hot sweaty mess. You probably grew up in a hot tropical place and you like your sex the same. Hot, sweaty, sensual and you want to see as much skin as possible. Foreplay for you is a dance which makes any white person in the room uncomfortable. You love like a feisty Latina/latino on the dance floor, and you're equally impressive in bed. All your white friends are envious of you, because while you ooze sex appeal, they are struggling to keep up with the Macarena.
Banana confident mammary sex Wow, way to pick the phallic looking fruit. Man or woman, gay or straight, most people enjoy a banana split once in a while. To pick this as a favorite means you're confident in your abilities, and it isn't so much about how well endowed you are between your legs or on your chest... it's about confident sex, and possibly even a little titty-f**k along the way. Fun fact: bananas and berries are delicious together. Another fun fact: a banana is technically/botanically a berry, a cherry is not. Mind blown.
Lemon Pie emotionless one-night stand Lemon flavor is sour, more of a sorbet flavor than an ice-cream flavor, but you like it because you are not into anything sweet. This is emotionless one-night stand territory, which a lot of us have tried a few times, but we eventually crave more connection than that. Maybe you need to call up one of your old lovers and this time be a little bit vulnerable with them. Sex is sweater that way.
Red Velvet truly passionate sex Red velvet is true passionate sex. Are you a redhead? Or maybe you've at been with a redhead once. Either way you know what I'm talking about.... this type of sex takes your breath away because the lust eventually becomes so thick in the air you could cut it with a knife. You are addicted to their body and can't wait to get them home. Possibly you won't.
Cheesecake sex in public places Cheesecake is rich and fun and playful. It translates to sex in public places. Maybe not the full package, but you might get creative with your fingers or hands in the car, under the table, even in a movie theatre, because you love the rich feeling of being alive and sometimes you don't want to wait till you get home. You like excitement. Upgrade to blueberry cheesecake and you have even more foreplay in the mix.

Fun with Nuts ................................... (as in nut flavors in case you were thinking dirty again)

Buttered Pecan skillful oral sex Finally we get to some nuts! The pecan is a native to northern Mexico and the southern US, but it's popularity is spreading. Buttered pecan means you probably do have a fascination with nuts - you love oral - either giving or receiving. You can get creative with your tongue. You smiled in high school when the teachers said your "oral" skills were good, because they had no idea how true that was. Be proud of your talent! Why rush to the main course when your mouth is already full. Oh my!
Pistachio worship sex This is the flavor of a goddess. Your type of sex is adoration. Typically this is worshiping the female body, but in the heat of the moment you might occasionally decide to switch. What does worshipping involve? Imagine a lot of kisses on every inch of skin, including her feet... imagine candles and if the man is really worth his nuts, he owns a massage table and scented oil to rub all over you as you listen to relaxing music and melt into pleasure. There's a chance you'll have sex on his table table, but probably you'll end up on every single surface in the house.
Macadamia beautiful lazy morning spooning A classic. Macadamia is an evergreen tree native to Australia, and represents ingenuity, and laid back pleasure. Think beautiful lazy morning sex. Pancakes are on the menu for later, but before you get out of bed, you want some gentle kisses and gentle spooning where you both know that a few kisses in your hands will start roaming and your clothes will once again become a crumpled mess on the floor.

The Kinky Flavors ............................ (now we're talking!)

Salted Caramel adventurous handcuff sex Salted caramel represents the entry level for kinky. You are adventurous, but you don't go too crazy. Handcuff? Yes please. Ball gag? Well that just sounds uncomfortable and if someone tries to gently slap your face you'll punch them unconscious. You are playful enough to try new things, but it doesn't define you. Nobody would even suspect you have a kinky side. Only the lucky few have seen it, and you like to keep it pretty quiet. It's your little secret. Salt actual goes well with several other flavors, all of them indicate a healthy level of play... except of course plain salt/vanilla.
Sea Salt golden something Ewww. Okay there is kinky and then there is the type of kinky that makes others feel a little bit unwell. R Kelly would be proud of you. Fortunately, in your case, you are (I hope) all overage and consensual and thus we can't really judge you poorly, but please take bath afterward your salty golden adventure.
Dark Chocolate bondage and more (bdsm) After making fun of chocolate, I'm going to let you know that true dark chocolate is a different story. Dark chocolate fans don't appreciate the blended Nestle tasting brown stuff. They like the rich dark earth taste of dark European chocolate. Layers of complex flavor. Dark chocolate is the territory of actual BDSM (Bondage Discipline Sadism and Masochism). This is not to be confused with a pair of fluffy handcuffs, or "that one night we tried a blindfold"... this is the domain of ropes, whips and being suspended upside-down from the ceiling with an elaborate leather harnesses. There are workshops for all this stuff, and it's often highly misunderstood. BDSM doesn't mean a person is promiscuous. BDSM is about building incredible trust and a level of detailed communication around sex missing from most other flavors. Often the dynamics of "power play" (one dominant, one submissive) gives a person what they might not feel in their normal life. For instance a powerful business man in the boardroom might love being submissive in the bedroom. He wants his mistress to tell him what to do, and tie him up in a cage with a ball-gag. In some BDSM relationships there isn't even penetration; well not with a penis at least. They will have a safe word though.
Rocky Road group sex Foursome tonight?! Rocky road is group sex. Rocky road means you really want to explore your sexuality... and why would you limit yourself to one partner at a time. Just like the ice-cream, with multiple bits of crunchy sweet, edgy pieces confusing your taste buds, you like the idea of multiple people in the same room trying to please you. Maybe you think you'll like a rocky road and then find it's too much for you. Maybe you'll go crazy and demand event more flavors next time. One thing is for sure.... You probably shouldn't be eating rocky road every-time - not matter how kinky, this is about as rich as it comes.
Toffee / Butter Brick hunting for a threesome Toffee is the threesome of the ice-creams. An orgy isn't quite your thing, but toffee is still quite a punch, and you wouldn't mind being a chocolate sandwiched between two layers of english toffee. If you're a girl who's into threesome you've accumulated a lot of male friends hoping you'll be their unicorn one day.... If you're a guy hunting for a threesome you created a deceptive profile with your slightly apprehensive girlfriend on Tinder searching for that unicorn and you'll probably be waiting a long time to find your toffee.
Cotton Candy furry sex Cotton candy doesn't seem kinky, but this stuff is so light and sweet you just know it's into some wild weird sex. It's that girl or boy who is super polite in supermarkets, but on the weekends is dressing up in a cat outfit and going to town on another cat. I'm not saying you're into furry sex, but cotton candy kind of looks like a rabbit's tail to you. A sexy, furry rabbit.
Bubble Gum teacher role play sex We are now deep into teacher/student role play sex. Is spanking with a ruler still a punishment if you enjoy it? Your regular grades are questionable, but you get an A+ in your extra curricular activities.

The Weird and Exotic ........................ (the stuff you haven't heard of)

Viagra Ice-Cream (UK) hard-core sex party Invented by a guy a UK based food inventor, viagra ice-cream is blue and yes, contains a "25mg dose" of viagra in each dose. This ice-cream will raise more than just your eyebrows. Anyone with half a brain will make the connection to erectile disfunction but you are only half right. Erectile disfunction affects roughly 10 percent of men per decade of life (50% of 50 year old men) but if instead of ordering a discrete pill you fork out big money for viagra ice-cream, you are bold (read: at the mature age where your not losing sleep over people's image of you) and possibly hosting a wild sex party. Stop worrying about your teenage daughter being corrupted to go to a sex club by her older boyfriend and start worrying about Nanna trying to organize a night of bingo and then a gangbang with performance enhancers. US nursing homes are suffering an epidemic of STDs because (a) STDs are not a big deal at that age and (b) group sex is more exciting than bingo, and everybody wins.
Tutti Frutti (US) awkward and sexually confused This weird ice cream contains various chopped candied fruits. It started in Europe, but is now very popular in the US. For you, intercourse has always been awkward and sexually confused, because you don't really know what you want. Pick a real flavor and stick with it! You picked one of the few flavors nobody really wants a bite of, they are just being polite.
Tequila (Mexico) spirited and scratching Mexico and Mexican ice-cream places are know to create a lot of wonderful strange flavors, from avocado, to rose petal and spicy mole - all of them delicious. Here we chose tequila ice-cream - look out for if you're ever in Mexico. Tequila ice-cream sex means waking up sore in morning because your night was very "spirited". Check your body for 'fingernail scratch marks and possibly scars.
Halva(Middle East) clothes on, decadent sex Halva ice cream is a middle-eastern flavor made with sesame Halva, tahini, eggs, cream, and sugar, and usually topped with pistachios and date syrup. This is exotic and decadent sex, where clothes off is optional. Persians are well dressed and know how to do fancy. Some of your clothes might come off, but when you look this amazing in a gold necklace and elegant, there's a chance the necklace will stay on and probably the dress too.
Squid Ink (Japan) oddly shaped dildos sex Yes, this is a flavored, and if you guessed Japan you are right. This is the same country that invented tentacle porn, so you can bet your frightened ass that it involved a bunch of oddly shaped dildos, but hopefully not any live animals because aside from the animal cruelty issues, even a tiny-brained squid knows there's something wrong with you.
Hokey Pokey (NZ) polity afternoon sex Hokey pokey is a New Zealand flavor, consisting of plain vanilla ice cream with small, solid lumps of honeycomb toffee. We're talking overly polite afternoon sex followed by a nap. It's New Zealand's top selling flavor (after vanilla naturally) and represents a country that is down to earth, friendly, with "Lord of the Rings" epic landscape, "Flight of the Concord" style humor and an alleged sexual attraction to sheep which isn't helped by the sale of velcro gloves.
Crab Ice Cream (Japan) school girl role-play Another Japanese invention, this one made with crab stock. Before you judge, know that people from all countries enjoy poorly acted role play sex. It's just that in this particular sex, one of your is a mermaid and the other one is a giant crab. I'm not sure who eats who. Since mermaid outfits are not really compatible with sex, chances are you'll dress her up as a submissive Japanese school girl instead.... And who wouldn't want to try that at least once?
Others too many to fit!
  • North America
    • US: Goat Cheese Beet Swirl (Colorado), Lobster (Maine), Horseradish (New York), Pumpkin (Halloween special)
    • Mexico: Avocado, Corn, Gansito (strawberry filled), Spicy Mole, Chile en Nogada (mixture of meat), Cheese, Jalapeno
    • Canada: Maple Bacon Ice Cream
  • South America
    • Venezuela: Cheeseburger
    • Peru: Mazamorra Violeta (purple corn)
  • Europe
    • England: Breast Milk (yes they pay women)
    • Scotland: Haggis
    • Germany: Spaghettieis (made to look like spaghetti)
    • Sweden: Salty Licorice
    • France: Foie Gras (fatty duck liver)
    • Italy: Tiramisu
  • Asia
    • Israel: Cardamom & other spice infused flavors
    • Iran: Saffron Bastani
    • Japan: Wasabi, Squid ink, Octopus with Soy, Raw Horse Meat
    • China: Black Sesame
    • India: Mango Kulfi
    • Korea: Azuki Red Bean
    • Philippines: Crocodile Egg, Queso Cheese
    • Indonesia: Durian (a fruit so smelly it's banned on planes)

Sources: stanpacnet.com foodnetwork.ca

Composite Flavors ........................... (mixed flavors with silly names)

Stupid Name Flavors immature taste If you got this far and still haven't found your flavor, it's probably a "composite flavor". For instance, Ben & Jerry is famous for coming up stupid names like: Karamel Sutra, Half Baked, Americone Dream, Ice Cream Sammie, Red, White & Blueberry, Cherry Garcia, Chubby Hubby, Minter Wonderland and The Tonight Dough. The sexual meaning is either: (a) you are confused, (b) you try to do every position each time you have sex and it's a disaster. Some make it easy to guess the main ingredients, some you'll need to look up... either way, they are typically a mix of the basic flavors when you'd be better off with just one. Next time get two different flavors in separate tubs and you can always do one scoop of each.
Silly Name Flavors no sex Ice cream companies also like to get playful will creative names like: Chunky Monkey (banana ice cream with walnuts & fudge chunks), One Sweet World (caramel coffee with bizarre toppings). What does it mean? It means you children that thought the name was funny, and now that's your go-to ice-cream that you order. It doesn't matter which of these silly flavors you pick... young kids are draining all your energy and you can't remember when you last had enough energy for a night of passion.

Types of Ice-Cream (and imitations)

Ice-cream used to be simple. Now where-ever you look there is "dairy-free", gelato, froyo and other things that are "almost" ice-cream... but not really. Like that fake chocolate stuff that doesn't taste quite right, but certain people defend relentlessly. Here's what it means about you:

Dessert Sex Meaning

Types of Ice Cream...................... (traditional sex)

Ordinary (Hard) Ice Cream good old fashion sex Regular ice-cream is made with no less than 10% milk fat, 12-16% of sweeteners, cream, sugar, eggs, and stabilizers. Perfect for a summertime treat and always satisfies your sweet tooth.
Soft Ice Cream soft sex You can read into "soft" what you want... this has similar ingredients to hard ice-cream, but frozen at higher temperatures, and more likely to be stuffed into mass-manufactured machines for something runny instead of rich. It's consistent in texture, which may or may not be what you like, but at least you know what you're getting and you'll still have energy afterwards to fold the laundry or watch Netflix with your sweetie pie.
French Ice Cream aggressive french kissing Has a base of custard that contains cream, milk, egg yolks or whole eggs. Think aggressive french kissing.

Frozen Desserts .......................... (the pioneers and the pretenders)

Gelato intense f**king Gelato began in Italy, so you know it's pretty darn good. This is the Italian stallion of desserts. It's lower in fat and has much less air and more flavoring than other kinds of frozen desserts, resulting in a density and richness that can distinguish it from other ice creams. Most of the Italian stereotypes apply here. Loud, sexy, appreciative of fine things and expressive with their hands when they talk.... or in this case expressive hands when you make love and without the rudeness you might expect from someone French. Score!
Frozen Yogurt (aka "Froyo") less than satisfying sex When you freeze yogurt you usually get something more tart than ice cream. Oh sure it's lower in fat due to the use of milk solids instead of cream, but it doesn't always leave you with that satisfied feeling ice-cream gives. You'll still be hungry afterwards. Did you finish prematurely again? Eaters of froyo get overly defensive and tell you "it's just as good". Hopefully the second serving fills you up more.
Sorbet watered down sex Sorbet, is a frozen dessert made from sweetened water with flavoring. This is the kind of sex you might have that is so watered down you'll forget you even had sex a few hours afterwards. Sorbet isn't a dessert that puts a smile on your face, but at least your palette has been cleansed.
Snow Cones / Shaved Ice friends with benefits sex Snow cones are water based, but fun to do in the middle of the day when it's hot. This is the equivalent of a friends-with-benefits... you don't really have the rich creamy passion you might get with someone you love, but hopefully you can at least stand their flavor of personality and might go out for coffee or a little hike afterward to talk about your other dates. Nothing wrong with a healthy FWB situation, just wear protection and don't eat so fast you get brain-freeze.
Frozen Soufflé seductive layered sex A cold dessert that whose base (usually frozen custard) has been enhanced with whipped cream and a Soufflé dish. If you don't know what this is, it's because you've only been dating Americans who don't know how to plan a real date or a dessert with more than one ingredient. Frozen Soufflé represents a beautiful planned date, layered with seduction and ending in passion. Sophisticated conversation, flowers, a sightseeing trip, passionate kisses on a bridge, and finally as it becomes night you are both begging to stare into each other's eyes and engage in a night of passionate lust. Or, you know, date the American guy who expects a blow-job because he bought you a whole drink.


People have more dietary requirements than ever. The big cities are swarming with pretentious, yoga-pant wearing health fanatics preaching words like: "organic", "vegan", "fat free", "gluten free", "sugarless" and every other word you can imagine that makes ice-cream sound less fun. Here's the big ones:

Dessert Meaning

Frustrating Diet Variations .......... (zero sugar and zero fun)

Reduced Fat

= self-conscious sex

Ever had sex with someone trying to cover up their body as they get naked and might even continue trying to hide themselves during intercourse? That's what reduced fat means. Here's the thing.... we don't all look like supermodels, and even supermodels have body image problems. What's really sexy is just owning who you are and letting go of judgments about yourself so you can actually be present and enjoy yourself! Sex is about surrender and being present. So say "fuck you" to those diet infomercials with the skinny bitch who "lost 10 pounds" and her entire personality in 60 days after switching to expensive protein shit. Eating lite or light ice-cream doesn't make you light. Quite the opposite. Energetic passionate sex is your best chance of losing weight! Sex has incredible health benefits, but only if you do it properly. Stop watching and reading the crap that makes you feel inadequate and stop any vague yearly "I'll lose weight" resolutions because real resolution you need is to spend an honest 30 minutes a day either walking and/or or having ass spanking orgasmically sex and actually see a result.
Lactose-Free

= crying afterwards

It's okay, I would cry afterwards if I was allergic to milk and cheese too. Being lactose intolerant doesn't mean you don't enjoy sex (or milk)... it means that you usually just have a bad reaction. Before you feel bad, lactose intolerance is thought to affect around 75% of the world's population suffers some lactose intolerance. Early humans didn't live as many year past breast feeding (milk) age and didn't build up the emotional baggage of quiet so many bad relationship choices. See a doctor, dietician or a therapist to ask about your options. Some people even do dairy free as a choice. The good news: there's no cure for lactose intolerance yet, but getting over sexual issues is quite achievable.
Sugar-Free

= foreplay only

Sorry dude, she only wants foreplay with you. You'll be taking a long shower afterwards. This could be a different form of self-conscious behavior where one or both of you are terrified "what people will think" if you actually have sex. Help us kill all this needless shame around sex and body image. The answer is they might think you are fun. No sugar means no fun.
Gluten-Free

= sucky sex

Let me start by saying, I actually do have sympathy to those with dietary conditions. It much suck. You have to go through a huge conversation with every person about what you are allowed and not allowed to put into your body. Sex involves just as much talking before hand, and you know it's a mood killer when you have so many rules to give, but if the person loves you then at least you've already opened a good dialog for a successful relationship with that partner and/or ice-cream distributer.
Organic

= pretentious sex

I've never felt sorry for people who go around saying "I only eat organic", followed by their a giant monologue. I like free-range eggs, but I don't condemn the guy who buys the cheaper eggs, because there is alway a chance he's secretly in debt and need the extra dollars. If you're super rich, it will seem normal to go around with a big lecture about how you demand your food and your sex a very specific way, but don't be surprised when you end up with not many friends and even fewer lovers who get exhausted by your list of requirements.

Common Toppings

The best ice-cream places are the ones that have "toppings" and they ask you what you want mixed in. Incidentally, the best lovers are ones that have great communication and ask if you want something different sprinkled onto the top of your vanilla ice cream. This gives them the chance to ask for less biting, or more biting. Or maybe something as simple as setting the mood with candles, music and massage. Once they've listened to what you want, they take a generous portion, chop it into digestible pieces, and then skillfully fold it into your ice-cream base. Just thinking about it is giving me an erection. Toppings, especially those folded in, versus sprinkled hastily on top, can take an ice-cream from a smile into an oral orgasms of textures and taste.

Now there are literally hundreds of things you could chose as a topping. Some work better than others, but here we're just going to suggest a few we think you should try.


Topping Sex Meaning

Getting Saucy ................ (drizzled on top)

Chocolate Sauce energetic cowgirl sex Chocolate sauce has always been crazy popular! You can even buy that mass produced stuff that pours over and then freezes solid, but the best kind is hot sauce. It's the mix of hot on cold that helps your taste buds come alive. Chocolate sauce is not your gentle spoon variety, it means maybe throwing your partner around a little bit and riding cowgirl like a pro.
Caramel Sauce sex toys Caramel sauce means getting a little kinky. You're pretty confident about your sexuality and abilities, so for you it's not a big deal to suggest a dildo, cock ring, fleshlight, sex dice or one of the other fabulous contraptions you and your partner will pick up the next time you visit a sex store.
Hot Fudge anal play Hot fudge means one or both of you are tempted to try something new. A little bit of a tickle below your tackle. Also known as anal play.
Strawberry Sauce lingerie So maybe you don't wear sexy underpants everyday, but tonight you want to walk into the living room or bedroom wearing a sexy little thang with lace in your favorite color of passion to make your lover's heart skip a beat. Let them soak in the sight of you. Give them the promise of a creamy ice-cream experience and maybe by the end of the night your sexy panties will be covered in cream too.
Butterscotch Sauce hair pulling Hey, some girls like a little hair pulling. It's sad to know many people never try it... if you do, remember to grab a handful at the back, near the top of the neck and start gentle but firm. Communication is key. Some guys like it too, but there's often less to grab. It's a fun way to remind your lover you're there with them in the moment.

Top it Off ........................ (fun on top)

Cookies sixty-nine Not something you do every day, but how about a little sixty-nine tonight.
Whipped cream breast play Hopefully you always play a little attention to breasts before and during sex, but whipped creams mean you really want to suck on these and see if you can get any milk. Careful not to give too much attention to one and not the other. Actually, do you have whipped cream in the fridge? Now's a good time to whip it out before you whip it out.
Sprinkles massage So many types of sprinkles... subtle, but they always make the ice-cream better. This is the equivalent of buttering up your lover with a little back massage. Melt away the stress of the day, even suggest a foot rub. Maybe try rubbing your lover's back while you are simply embraced and deep inside each other.
Jelly Beans or Gummies tickling These little sugar delights remind us of childhood pleasures. What you're about to do to you lover is very much adult, but a light tickle and laughter during sex shows a sense of comfort and love we forget that we still need as adults. Don't take yourself so ****ing seriously in life or even in sex.
M&Ms or Reese's Pieces little bites Little pieces which pack a punch. Like a playful innocent little bit on your lover's shoulders.

Get Fresh ...................... (keep it fresh and juicy)

Little Berries romantic sex Most berries (strawberries, blueberries) represent different kinds of sweet kisses and romance. Maybe even strawberry scented candles? :)
Banana strip show Well if you're going to add real banana to the mix, you may as do a little strip show for your lover, undress playfully and give the time for the cold ice-cream to make the banana get hard.

Go Nuts ......................... (a little bit of nuts in your mouth)

Shredded Coconut lingerie Leave the sexy white stockings on.
Little Nuts heavy petting The generic peanuts nuts in most ice-cream stores are pretty ordinary, but sliced almonds or pistachio (worship) and then we are talking some pretty wonderful heavy petting as you get down to business.

The Classics ......................... (the era of ice cream truck)

Chocolate Dipped well planned sex Nothing was more fun than the hearing the ice cream truck and chasing it down. It was a golden era, and to spoil yourself even more you'd asked for your ice-cream to be dipped in chocolate in front of you. This part still lives on in several places. A chocolate dipped ice cream represents anticipation and planning. It's a visual feast, and then you have to carefully decide where to make each bite to keep the integrity of the structure without getting too much of your desert spill onto your chin. You can put this same careful intention into sex. In our highly distracted world, you can write your own menu on the front door of what your lover wants to order she (or he) will go crazy. When you know you're coming home to hot sex, it makes the day a delightful smile of anticipation and gives you a chance to plan out what you want to do. Make it special.
Flake proud masturbation The most magical ice cream trucks had an option of adding a flake. This doesn't represent flaky sex, that's a California thing. A big flake sticking out the side proudly represents a proud penis. You're proud of your penis or your man's penis. I'm not suggesting taking photos of it and sending it to your Tinder matches, just be proud. In this whole book we've only talked about sex and not so much about mutual maturation or simple solo masturbation. Don't just make it routine, be proud and treat yourself... maybe buy some coconut oil and light a candle. Tonight is your night my friend!


Sherbet ?

Vessels

Vessel Sex Meaning

Shapes of Ice-Cream ................ (the shape of your love)

Cone impatient for sex You want sex, and you want it now. I'm not saying you are desperate, but you know what you want, and you are going to consume it before it melts else your fingers will get sticky. The cone adds a delicious crunch. The more scoops you order, the more insatiable you are, Especially if it's a hot day. Maybe you intend to power through several flavors or just a single flavor. The real question is this: do you lick, suck or bite? And what kind of cone did you did you order? Well that's a whole extra dimensions "outside the scope" and scoop of this book, but I will say this: "another sprinkle covered waffle cone, girl you a freak!".
Cup patient sex If you chose a cup over a cone, it means you like to take your time a little more. You don't mind runny ice-cream... in fact a cup gives you the great option to mash up your flavors and toppings into a sexy wonderful paste that you can lick slowly off your spoon. Your friends think you made the inferior choice because you miss out on the cone, but you just smile, because you can always ask for the cone or a waffle piece on top, and their about to drop their ice-cream onto their pants. You got it on lock down.
Bucket reliable sex If you order a bucket, what you're really saying is you want some for later. You know what you want... it's your favorite flavor and you're committed to a whole bucket. You can eat some each night you're feeling like a naughty treat. You are probably in a long term relationship (LTR) already, or seeking one. Your cone-only single friends might mock your Cosco sized bucket, but if you're getting ten times more sex and bang for your buck than they can dream of.
Sundae an "experience" Served in glass (often a tall glass), with multiple scoops of ice creams and many additional syrups and toppings. You don't just want sex.... you want a memorable experience. Heck, maybe what you really want is to book a little cabin in the woods and make a weekend out if. A weekend of smiles and maybe a little f**king on top of a mountain. Already found someone fun? Then what's stopping you?! She or he will love it... everyone loves a wonderful Sunday Sundae.
Sticks Quickie you ordered something on a stick? At least an ice-cream cone melts into the cone, this melts straight into your hand, which is why they come extra cold and comes wrapped up. This is a "convenient" cheap option. You've heard of gourmet ice-cream, but have you ever heard of a gourmet ice-cream stick? It's because they don't exist. The best you can hope for is one of the fancy varieties dipped in chocolate and wrapped in a brightly colored condom... I mean ice-cream wrapper. It will cost more, but there's less chance of a mess.
Other Varieties trying too hard As if you don't have enough options already, you might ask for ice-cream as a bar, bites, (threesome) sandwich, (just the tip) dots or even a whole cake. As some point you gotta ask "are we just trying too hard now"? Is the cake a gang-bang? I don't even know.

The Ice Cream Store Game (a visualization exercise)

Ever done a personality test where you closed your eyes and are asked to use your imagination and describe a scene? These visualization exercises are lots of fun because your answers sometimes give deep insights into your psyche. We invented our own called "The Ice Cream Store". Rule #1. If it helps you get lucky and/or open new horizons with your partner you have to buy us a beer. Rule #2. Play it with a sense of humor!

This game is pretty risky material for a first date, but fun to play with open-minded friends who appreciate a good laugh and aren't going to choke if they hear the word sex. Here's how the game works. You just stick to this script:

#1) The Visualization Script:

  • You seem pretty fun, would you like to do a slightly saucy personality test?
  • Great. This is a visualization game, so you'll have to close your eyes and describe a scene. Are you ready for that?
  • Great. Now your eyes are closed... imagine it's a hot day, you really could use a delicious ice cream.
  • You arrive at an ice-cream store. Can you see it?
    • Now describe the store.
    • How many people are inside?
    • How many flavors do they have?
  • Inside there's a really good looking person ready to server you. They ask you:
    • What ice-cream style: a cone, a cup or a bucket.
    • How many scoops do you want?
    • What flavors do you want?
    • What toppings should they have?
  • They careful make your ice-cream, and hand it to you... it looks amazing how do you eat it?
  • Open your eyes... are you ready to hear what this all means?


Once they've opened their eyes they should be excited to learn the meaning. Now here's where you need to read the room... or at least the person. After each answer, you'll see how comfortable they are with words like "sex" or "kinky". Let them respond to each item of your interpretation and if you need to bring it down a notch substitute the word and interpretation from "sex" to either "kissing" (the G rated version) or "making love" (the PG rated version). If you've already read this book, you're probably already in a good position to give creative answers. This works best if you have (a) creativity, and (b) you're intuitive enough that you already know the person, so you can massage into the answer what you already know or assume about them, and they hugely appreciate your attention to them. Everyone likes to hear about themselves, and even if the answers are way off, it's a fun opportunity to ask them what the right answers are.


#2) The Interpretation Guideline:

  • Now your eyes are open, I can tell you this isn't a standard personality test, it gives us clues about what kind of partner you like.
  • Before we begin, how comfortable are you talking about former lovers on a scale of 1 to 10?
    • 1-2 = great, this test is about *how you show affection.
    • 3-4 = great, this test is about *kissing.
    • 5-7 = great, this test is about *lovemaking.
    • 8-10 = great, this test is about *sex.


  • #1) The store represents your ideal lover. In your case you said:
    • Small store = family oriented / romantic.
    • Big commercial store = showy.
  • #2) The number of people and flavors correlates with how many lovers and experiences you may have had.
    • just the server = you like dating one person at a time
    • many people = you're confident in your dating
  • #3) The ice cream style representing your eagerness for *sex/lovemaking/kissing.
    • one = you want it now... before it melts.
    • cup = you are patient, you like to mix the flavors together, you take it in moderation.
    • bucket = you are committing to lots of one flavor, you are LTR type of person and you appreciate reliable *sex.
  • #4) The flavors represent what type of *sex you usually like!... generally:
    • plain flavor = plain *sex.
    • chocolatey = kinky.
    • sweet = sweet *sex.
  • #5) The toppings is what makes *sex extra fun for you.
    • sauce = saucy
    • fruit = fresh and wholesome
    • nuts = heavy petting

Disclaimers

  • About the Science: The author of this article has a PhD in cell biology and postdoc in neuroscience. In this article I took that expertise, nailed it to a grenade and hurled it into a bonfire. There is no solid science to any of these connections I've made between your favorite ice-cream and what you're like in bed. It's 50% intuition and 90% fun. But what if you believed what you read? Maybe I'm secretly brilliant. Maybe you're an idiot. People read what you want to read. The truth is all of these things. Confused? You're welcome. Get back to your astrology you dirty hipster.
  • I'm going to ask a couple of gay friends to help me massage this into something fun for both gay and straight people to read, but please forgive me if I use genders sometimes or it seems hetero focussed in places. Fact is all of us have some masculine and famine energy, and sexuality is rarely a binary, but for the purpose of comedy I hope it's okay I've used generalizations.




Backstory

I was driving back from a men's retreat with a friend, Mark, and we were talking about how so many friends we know wish there were more sexually adventurous, but they weren't confident enough to ask their partners to try anything new, or maybe didn't even know about it. These people have only been "vanilla" (meaning sexually plain), they've been too timid to try any of the other flavors. How do you know you will or won't like an ice-cream flavor unless you get a sample. From there we realized that you can have a lot of fun with ice-cream flavors.


Safe Sex

TODO: Add


Plea from the Author

TODO: Add


More Food For Thought

  • A well made ice-cream = I hope those lips are good for more than just looking good girl.... and by that I mean intelligent conversation.


Links

  • Lists:
  • Ice cream types:
  • Ice cream toppings:
    • Sundae Bar Checklist - Create the ultimate make-your-own sundae bar using this checklist of must-have ice cream toppings & sauces.
  • Ice cream brands:
    • Ben & Jerry flavors... famous for fun sounding flavors like: Chunky Monkey (banana ice cream with fudge chunks & walnuts), One Sweet World (caramel coffee ice cream with marshmallow & salted caramel swirls & chocolatey shaped '&' signs), Cold Brew Caramel Latte (cold brew & sweet cream ice creams with salted caramel swirls), Ice Cream Sammie (vanilla ice cream with chocolate sandwich cookies & chocolate cookie swirls), Pucker Upper (raspberry sorbet with an extra tart lemonade sorbet swirl & sour sugar bits), Red, White & Blueberry, Karamel Sutra, Peanut Butter Fudge Core, Boom Chocolatta Cookie, Americone Dream, Bob Marley’s One Love, Brewed to Matter, Cherry Garcia (cherry ice cream with cherries & fudge flakes), Chubby Hubby (vanilla malt ice cream with peanutty fudge-covered pretzels with fudge & peanut buttery swirls), Half Baked (chocolate & vanilla ice creams mixed with gobs of chocolate chip cookie dough & fudge brownies), Minter Wonderland (dark chocolate mint ice cream with marshmallow swirls & chocolate cookie swirls), S'mores, The Tonight Dough, Truffle Kerfuffle (vanilla ice cream with roasted pecans, fudge chips & a salted chocolate ganache swirl).
  • Photos:
    • Google Image Search - great for searching for specifics like "pistachio ice cream" or "man with ice cream", making sure to set to tools > "labelled for free use" and "large", and then double check the image is fair game.
    • unsplash.com - claims to be 63k free ice cream pictures but after about 2.5k mostly false positives
    • pixabay.com - seems to have ~1.3k "ice cream" pics over 17 pages, and some are illustrations.
    • pexels.com - ~200 free ones for "ice cream".
    • canva.com - only ~205 one you filter to free ones. Some great ones for $12 mark though.
    • stocksnap.io - only a dozen free ones.
    • istock.com - most of these only $12 each.... and has quite a few great ones with couples eating ice-cream.
    • pxhere.com - great option to filter by color and seem to have at least a few hundred ice-cream pics.
  • Misc:
  • Other silly articles:


Acknowledgements: Mark Rywelski for the incredible conversation that sparked this webpage... and maybe we can turn it into more than just a silly webpage!