Difference between pages "IMB - moving from overseas" and "Jokes - yoga"

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(Asleep During Yoga (6))
 
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==About==
 
==About==
  
[[image:UQ_australia_map.jpg|thumb|Location of IMB within the University of Queensland in Brisbane]]
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{{DaughterPage|mother=[[Jokes]]}}
  
Every year, dozens of PhD students and postdocs visit the [http://imb.uq.edu.au/ Institute for Molecular Bioscience (IMB)] from overseas.... staying anywhere between a few days to a few years. I have written this page as a brief guide which outlines the steps these people must go through in their first few weeks to help get settled into Brisbane and go through induction at the IMB.
+
So hypothetically you meet an amazing girl and she happens to be a yoga instructor. You say you're going to tell her a funny yoga joke every day, but you look online and a lot of them are rubbish. I feel like half of them do the "na-ma-going-to-stay" routine, which is only half funny once.
  
I have been asked a few times now to help out new visitors to my group (all from overseas), and so I know just how tricky it can be!
+
Here I've made up some of my own joke jokes and I've (hopefully) slightly improved on the few that made me giggle a little.  :)
  
  
<i>NOTE: The lovely Bronwyn Adams noticed this page and implemented a very similar page (except more official!) on the IMB site [http://imb.uq.edu.au/index.html?page=107972&pid=0 here].</i>  <b>:-)</b>
+
Hope you enjoy!
  
 
  
==Preparing to Move==
 
  
By this stage I will assume you have a <b>group leader</b> who has offered to ''(a)'' host your visit, ''(b)'' supervise your project or ''(c)'' provide you employment in their lab. Be sure to read about them [http://imb.uq.edu.au/index.html?page=12011 (here)] and e-mail them regularly. Group leaders are incredibly busy people, and so it's critical to e-mail them a few weeks before you move to <b>remind them you are coming</b> and <b>delegate someone</b> in their group to be your "helper" - someone to take care of you for your first few days or weeks.
+
==Short Yoga Jokes==
<i>TIP: Get your helper's contact details (phone, e-mail & address) and CC them any correspondence to your group leader.</i>
 
  
  
You should allow <b>at least six weeks</b> before leaving to prepare all your paperwork. To get into Australia (and into the IMB) you'll need your:
+
===What's your Flexibility Like (1)===
* '''Passport''' - make sure it's current and <i><u>always have it with you</u></i>! As a foreigner this is your <u>ONLY authoritative form of ID</u> which will get you into the country, into universities, into banks and premises licensed to serve alcohol ''(for 18+ age identification)''.
 
* '''Electronic Australian Visa''' - there are several different kinds of visa, and you should go through the [http://www.immi.gov.au/visawizard/ wizard].
 
** If you only want to visit  for less than 3 months without working (for a conference etc) you probably want the <b>Tourist ("676")</b> visa <i>(should take <1 day to process)</i>
 
** If you are commencing a postdoc you probably want a <b>Business - Long Stay ("457")</b> visa <i>(should take ~3 weeks)</i>. Four years is maximum length visa; after then you can sit citizenship test if you want to stay.
 
** NOTE: Most of these visas are electronic - meaning they will be electronically connected to your passport. Upon arrival, immigration will see this on their computers, and stamp your passport - but you should always print a copy of the receipt just in case.
 
* '''Offer of appointment at IMB''' - If you are moving to Australia to work you should keep this form with your passport. If you are just visiting print out copies of correspondence with your group-leader and/or official receipts for conferences you might be attending.
 
* '''Contact information''' - on arrival immigration needs to know a contact <b>phone number and address</b> of the hotel or house you are staying at for the first few weeks of your stay. So make sure you book somewhere in advance, or ask your contact at the IMB to attempt to arrange accommodation - temporary or permanent - for you on arrival.
 
  
 +
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Yoga joke of the day #1 ---}}
 +
I wanted to take up yoga.
  
 +
I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://upjoke.com/yoga-jokes upjoke] - unedited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
  
  
==Location==
+
===Pre-meditation (2)===
  
For <b>official directions</b> to the IMB (from the airport) [http://www.imb.uq.edu.au/index.html?page=93515&pid=0 go here].
+
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Yoga joke of the day #2 ---}}
 +
A yoga instructor killed a student before class started......
  
 +
He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://upjoke.com/yoga-jokes upjoke] - unedited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
  
[[image:UQ_suburb_map.gif]]
 
<br>[http://maps.google.com.au/maps?f=q&source=embed&hl=en&geocode=&q=The+Institute+for+Molecular+Bioscience,+Brisbane&sll=-27.481015,153.018866&sspn=0.065257,0.093813&ie=UTF8&ll=-27.482233,153.018694&spn=0.066565,0.039886 View Larger Map]
 
  
As you can see in this map, the [http://www.uq.edu.au/ University of Queensland (UQ)] ''(postcode: 4072)'' is nestled besides the Brisbane river and adjacent to the suburb of St Lucia ''(postcode: 4067)'', a few kilometers south of Brisbane CBD (about 20-60 minutes drive from the airport depending on traffic). The IMB itself is part of the [http://www.csiro.au/places/QBP.html Queensland Bioscience Precinct (QBP)] building and sits out the front of UQ, just opposite the main UQ bus terminal.
+
===Yoga Candles (3)===
  
There is a [http://www.uq.edu.au/maps/pdf/StLuciaMap.pdf map of the St Lucia campus] on the University of Queensland web site.
+
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Yoga joke of the day #3 ---}}
 +
The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts.
  
===Some Suburbs You Should Know===
+
A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"
  
Below is a very brief description of the suburbs around UQ and the city you may visit during your stay, or may even consider living in ''(clockwise from left)'':
+
The teacher answers: "scented candle".
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://upjoke.com/yoga-jokes upjoke] - unedited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
* <b>St Lucia</b> - the suburb adjacent to (but not technically containing) UQ - and thus the closest option. Numerous student "share houses" and <b> [http://www.accommodation.uq.edu.au/index.html?id=302 10 residential colleges]</b> (on-campus student accommodation) surrounded UQ: most of which are filled during university semester, but largely empty during university holidays Dec to Feb. There is a very nice little complex of cheap to mid range restaurants, bottle shops, supermarket and other assorted shopping called "Hawken Village" just 5 minutes walk along Hawken drive from the IMB. Buses and City-cats are readily available but there are are no trains running directly to St Lucia, connections are usually made at Toowong. The only bars in the area are the Staff Club and the 2nd Degree (formerly Red Room) on campus.
 
* <b>Indooroopilly</b> - the next suburb east of St Lucia, and features [http://www.indooroopillyshopping.com.au/ Indooroopilly Shopping Centre] - a huge shopping center with almost everything a student might need. Near these shops is the main train line, running up through Taringa and Toowong towards the city.
 
* <b>Taringa</b> - a small suburb tucked above Indooroopilly, large amounts of well priced accommodation, includes a few nice little restaurants and close proximity to shopping along Moggill Road, flowing through to Indooroopilly Shopping Centre.
 
* <b>Toowong</b> - contains a large shopping center, the two local student bars and easy access to CityCat.
 
* <b>Milton</b> - features [http://www.suncorpstadium.com.au/ Suncorp Stadium] (5 mins walk from Milton train station), the XXXX Brewery, and a large selection of mid-range to upmarket restaurants along Park Road; Milton is a modest walk to the city.
 
* <b>Brisbane</b> - the CBD has a handful of worthwhile restaurants, a number of pubs, clubs and other businesses, including the Myer Centre and Borders. The [http://www.queenstreetmall.com/ Queen Street Mall] encompasses the main shopping areas.
 
* <b>Fortitute Valley</b> - the main entertainment district in the CBD, historically the red light district but now largely home to a wide range of bars, restaurants, cafes and nighclubs. During the day it's a great place for shopping of all descriptions. The Chinatown mall is located in Fortitude Valley, but the true Chinese heart of Brisbane is in Sunnybank, about 15 mins south of the city.
 
* <b>South Bank</b> - great place for tourists to visits (very lively). South Bank features: the [http://www.qm.qld.gov.au/ Queensland Museum], [http://www.ourbrisbane.com/whats-on/cultural-centre Cultural Center], [http://qag.qld.gov.au/ Gallery of Modern Art] an artificial beach/swimming pool, [http://www.southbankmarket.com.au/ southbank markets] (sat-sun) and [http://www.visitsouthbank.com.au/ more]. Best accessed by CityCat.
 
* <b>West End</b> - historic suburb with a large hippie and student population, a significant entertainment precent, and a variety of shopping, most notably interesting foodstuffs from the local Mediterranean immigrants. Easily accessible via CityCat.
 
* <b>Dutton Park</b> - some people choose to live around here and bike ride or take public transport across the Green Bridge. Is slightly cheaper to live than most suburbs with easy access to the university.
 
* <b>Chelmer / Graceville / Sherwood</b> - across the river and south of UQ is nice and quiet suburbia; although means traveling significantly longer to get to the IMB (generally train + bus).
 
  
  
 +
===How do you Know (4)===
  
 +
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Yoga joke of the day #4 ---}}
 +
How do you know when someone has reached inner peace during yoga?
  
==Getting Around==
+
They won't shut up about it.
 +
----
  
 +
How do you know if a guy teaches yoga?
  
===Taxis===
+
Don't worry, he'll tell you.
Brisbane has two <b>taxi</b> companies [http://www.yellowcab.com.au/ Yellow Cabs] (131924) and [http://www.blackandwhitecabs.com.au/ Black & White Cabs] (131008) - both have "fare calculators" on their site, but almost identical prices. A trip from the airport to UQ will cost $45-60, depending on traffic.
+
----
  
 +
How does a girl know if a male yoga teacher is straight?
  
===Public Transport ===
+
He'll offer you private free lessons.
Public transport in Brisbane includes: <b>bus</b>, <b>train</b> and the <b>CityCat ferries</b> .
+
----
[[image:Brisbane_translink_zones.jpg|thumb|zone map]]
 
  
Using public transport in Brisbane can be very confusing, so before leaving on any trip I highly recommend visiting Brisbane's official public transport website:
+
How do you know if he's professional?
* <b>"[http://www.transinfo.qld.gov.au/ Trans Link]"</b> (131230)  - use the "journey planner" on the right and it will show you your best options to get from A to B.
 
  
 +
He'll show up to your free private lesson wearing pants.
 +
{{Credits|people=This one is mostly me}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
Ticketing information is [http://www.translink.com.au/qt/TransLin.nsf/index/ti_main here]. The cost of tickets depends on which "zones" you are travelling between. St Lucia and its surrounding suburbs are in zone 2, so when you board the bus you will want to ask for a <i>"single adult zone 2 "</i> ticket (~$2.40) when you board the bus or ferry. However, if you're staying in Brisbane for several months I'd recommend buying a "[http://www.transinfo.qld.gov.au/qt/translin.nsf/index/go go card]" from a train station and topping up the account online as you go. Student ("concession") fares are 50% less than adult fares, but you can only get these if you can show a UQ (Queensland) student card. All three public transport systems are now integrated so the one ticket is valid no matter how you arrive at your destination.
 
  
  
====Buses====
+
===Protons Bend (5)===
* [http://timetables.translink.com.au/db/timetables.php?route=&op=100&submit=search Bus timetables]
 
Brisbane has numerous bus routes, but be warned that buses running to UQ during the start of the university semester term are often late or too full to stop when you put your hand out to hail them.
 
  
====Trains====
+
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Yoga joke of the day #5 ---}}
* [http://www.translink.com.au/qt/translin.nsf/ReferenceLookup/081010_map_network_qrbusway.pdf/$file/081010_map_network_qrbusway.pdf Train network map]
+
How can photons bend so easily?
The trains (operated by "queensland rail"), are *usually* on time. There is a line for the ticket machine, so it's wise to be at least 5 minutes early: the fine for being caught on a train without a ticket is $200.
 
  
<i>WARNING: The train between the airport and the city - the "[http://www.airtrain.com.au/timetable.php air-train]" is privately operated and surprisingly expensive ($14 for an adult one-way). You can use your Go Card on the airtrain, but it will cost more than a normal zone trip. If you are traveling with more than one person, a cab is almost certain to be similar in price to end-to-end public transport.</i>
+
They practice light yoga.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://upjoke.com/yoga-jokes upjoke] - unedited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
====Ferries (CityCat)====
 
* [http://timetables.translink.com.au/db/timetables.php?route=&op=18&submit=search Ferry timetable]
 
The "CityCat" ferry service runs along the stretch of Brisbane river as far north as Brett's Wharf and down to UQ, stopping at several stations along the way (including SouthBank and the CBD). It takes about 30 minutes to travel from UQ to the city (North Quay) or South Bank, and makes for a slow but pleasantly scenic journey.
 
  
===Bicycles===
+
===Naked Yoga (6)===
  
In addition to a small open bike-rack out the front, the IMB has a lockable bike shed with showers around the back which you can only access with an IMB swipe card after asking the front desk to enable your card for the bike lockers. Be warned that most of the roads in Brisbane, and St Lucia in particular, are quite hilly, and will make you sweat! The IMB has a surprising number of mountain-bike enthusiasts, and instead of buying a bike, you may consider e-mailing informal announcement to see if someone might lend you one for free. In Australia it is illegal to ride without a helmet and you must have front and rear lights at the night.
+
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Yoga joke of the day #6 ---}}
 +
Psychologist: <i>"What is your problem today?"</i>
  
<i>TIP: Use the [http://www.bom.gov.au/products/IDR663.loop.shtml BOM Brisbane Radar loop] to help you avoid rain.</i>
+
Patient: <i>"Nightmares... I teach yoga, but the new trend is naked yoga... most of the class shows up naked."</i>
  
===Cars===
+
Psychologist: <i>"Wow, that sounds amazing actually! I'd be happy to see naked yogis all day."</i>
  
For people who really want to explore Brisbane and beyond you might seriously consider hiring a car. I recommend [http://www.alphacarhire.com.au/ Alpha car hire] - a small car will cost you about $29 a day. If you want to buy a second-hand car try [http://www.carsales.com.au/ carsales.com.au], but be careful, as a bad car can cost thousands of dollars on repairs (on top of registration and insurance) before it becomes roadworthy. Carsales lists cars from both private sellers and dealers. Furthermore, it's very difficult to get a park near the University without paying for it! Although not well signed, almost all the roads in St Lucia near the IMB have a 2 hour parking limit, and the fine for being caught is $50. Information about parking within the uni is [http://www.uq.edu.au/parking/index.html?page=41455 here].
+
Patient: <i>"Not if you taught at a retirement center like me."</i>
 +
{{Credits|people=Mostly me, but I think I head a similar one somewhere else}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
I suggest you stick it out with public transport as long as possible! It's much cheaper.
 
  
 +
===Yogis Don't Drink (7)===
  
 +
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Yoga joke of the day #7 ---}}
 +
Why don't Bikram yogis drink?
  
 +
It interferes with their suffering.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://paperbackyoga.com/2013/11/07/26-not-copyrighted-bikram-yoga-jokes/ bikram-yoga-jokes] - unedited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
==Finding Accommodation==
 
  
Finding accommodation for a visit or stay in Brisbane (or any foreign city for that matter) can be very tricky.
+
===Six Final Months of Bikram Yoga (8)===
  
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
A doctor tells a woman she has a fatal illness and only six months to live.
  
===Requesting Accommodation using "Informal Announcements"===
+
<i>"Is there anything I can do?"</i>, she asks.
A month before leaving I recommend you e-mail your group-leader a month before leaving asking him to forward an accommodation request to "informal announcements" - an internal mailing list which is subscribed to by most people in the IMB and regularly used to request things, advertise vacant rooms and sell furniture (when people move). To make it really easy I've written a little template below.
 
  
<blockquote style="background: white; border: 1px solid rgb(153, 153, 153); padding: 1em;" >
+
<i>"Yes, there is,"</i> the doctor replies. <i>"You could take Bikram Yoga every day for the next six months."</i>
<i>Subject: <u>Accommodation request</u>
 
<br>Hi,
 
<br>I am a <u>25</u> year old <u> male PhD student</u> from <u>England</u>, about to move to the IMB to work with the <u>Betty Ford</u> group and I am urgently seeking <u>short term/long term</u> accommodation near UQ. I arrive in Brisbane on the <u>20 Jan</u> and leave on the <u>18 Feb</u>. If you know of any vacancies please e-mail me at: <u>p.doherty@gmail.com}</u>.
 
<br>Regards,
 
<br><u>Pete Doherty</u></i>
 
</blockquote>
 
  
If you are lucky, someone in your group (or one of their close friends) will have a vacant room which you can move into, or even stay for free for a few weeks while you search for something more long term.
+
<i>"How will that help my illness?"</i> the woman asks.
  
 +
<i>"Oh, it won't help your illness,"</i> says the doctor, <i>"but it will make that six months seem like an eternity."</i>
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://paperbackyoga.com/2013/11/07/26-not-copyrighted-bikram-yoga-jokes/ bikram-yoga-jokes] - unedited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
===Short Term Accommodation===
 
  
 +
===Star Wars Yoga Joke (9)===
  
====Recommended Hotels:====
+
{{Joke_start}}
Below are a few hotels which come recommended by previous visitors:
+
Hans Solo walks into his bedroom after a long day fighting storm troopers. He is shocked by what he sees and he shouts, <i>"Oh my God Leah, no!"</i>
* [http://www.parkregishotels.com/index.php?Itemid=92 Park Regis] - '''Brisbane CBD''' - ultra clean & modern - <b>~$150</b> a night (single room).
 
* [http://www.stluciagardens.com.au/ St Lucia Gardens] - '''St Lucia''' - good location but pokey rooms - <b>~$110</b> a night (single room).
 
* <b>MORE RECOMMENDATIONS WANTED !</b>
 
  
 +
She explains, <i>"But I told you all about us."</i>
  
====Recommended Backpackers:====
+
He cried, <i>"I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"</i>
For visiting students who want the full "backpacker" experience - a chance to really explore the city and meet fellow travelers:
 
* [http://www.yha.com.au/hostels/details.cfm?hostelid=41 YHA] - '''Milton''' - cleanest backpacker in the area - requires 2-5 days advanced booking - <b>~$29-33</b> a night (shared room).
 
* [http://www.chillbackpackers.com/ Chill backpackers] - '''Milton''' - clean, secure and fairly new - <b>~$30-35</b> a night (shared room).
 
  
 +
<i>"Embarrassing this is..."</i> (says Yoda).
  
 +
----
 +
When Yoda teaches his students yoga, do you think he tells them not to apply "too much force" when they try a new position?
  
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://upjoke.com/yoga-jokes upjoke] - edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
  
===Long Term Accommodation===
+
===Bad Girl at Yoga (10)===
  
If you are staying for a long period, you probably want to find yourself an affordable rental property or share-house. Below I have listed some useful websites to visit:
+
{{Joke_start}}
* [http://www.accommodation.uq.edu.au/ UQ Accommodation Services] - contains good advice for international students, and offer a property search [http://www.accommodation.uq.edu.au/offcampus/accommodation/propsearches.html here].
+
"Say you're a bad girl."
* [https://www.qut.edu.au/accommodation/ QUT Accommodation Services] - similar to above - but tends to have extra vacancy listings near the city.
 
* [http://www.realestate.com.au RealEstate.com.au] - Australia's largest site for renting/buying/selling and sharing houses (photos included). Click [http://www.realestate.com.au/cgi-bin/rsearch?a=s&cu=fn-rea&s=qld&ss=&ag=&t=ren&snf=rbs&chk=0&lead=&ty=&searchFormSource=advanced+search&tb=ST+LUCIA%2C+INDOOROOPILLY%2C+TARINGA%2C+TOOWONG&u=TOOWONG&pm=&px=&pme=any&pxe=any&minbed=0&maxbed=1&cat=&p=20&o=p here] to get a good idea of the price in the area around UQ.
 
  
However, as it says on the UQ accommodation website:
+
"I'm a bad girl."
  
<i>"We strongly recommend that general rental accommodation only be arranged once you have arrived in Queensland. There is usually a wide range of rental properties, prices and locations advertised at any one time, and it is extremely difficult to make an informed decision about public transport, value for money, safety etc without being on location."</i>
+
"Oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do..."
  
So while it makes sense to explore your options, it's wise not to lock yourself into anything permanent! Your best bet is to arrange temporary accommodation or book a cheapish hotel for your date of arrival and give yourself at least two weeks to "house hunt".
+
"Ooh I'm gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice."
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://upjoke.com/yoga-jokes upjoke] - mostly unedited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
  
 +
===Drunk Instructor (11)===
  
==Induction into the IMB==
+
{{Joke_start}}
 +
I think my yoga instructor was drunk today.
  
The IMB is very safety conscious meaning:
+
He put me in a very awkward position.
* ''(a)'' you must sit though several inductions, two online test and complete many forms before you become official (even if you are only visiting for a few weeks), and
+
{{Credits|people=[https://upjoke.com/yoga-jokes upjoke] - unedited}}
* ''(b)'' until you get an "access card" - either a UQ student card, UQ staff card or a white temporary visitor card - you must rely on others to swipe you into any level of the building.
+
{{Joke_end}}
  
===Visitor Pass===
 
  
Upon arrival at the IMB, you need to walk up the big reception desk. There they will get you to fill in a "<b>visitor pass</b>" (which clips onto your shirt and you return at the end of the day) and then they will call up your lab phone number for someone to come out and fetch you (since you won't have an access card). And you will have to repeat this process of (signing in) every day until you get an access card.
+
===Emails (12)===
  
===Completing Induction===
+
{{Joke_start}}
 +
A yoga student asked his teacher, <i>"Am I allowed to send you email?"</i>
  
The person designed to help you (by your new group leader) should first introduce you to your new lab, and then take you up to the "admin section" on level 4. Make sure you take your <b>offer of appointment</b> with you! If you are a student, they will hopefully start by introducing you to our wonderful ''Postgraduate Admin Officer'', <b>Amanda Carozzi</b>, (62122) for a talk.
+
<i>"Yes,"</i> replied the teacher, <i>"But no attachments please."</i>
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://awakeandmindful.com/meditation-jokes-for-enlightened-humor/ awakeandmindful.com] - mostly unedited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
Most importantly, however, you must go to the main ''Human Resources (HR) Officer'', <b>Caraine Gomez</b>, (62120) who will give you all the paperwork you need, and explain what you need done. If you are to become a UQ student or staff member Caraine will also take $20 from you and send you off to the "Duhig Tower" library to get your photo taken, so you can get an ID card as soon as possible.
 
<i>NOTE: You will need your helper and/or a [http://www.uq.edu.au/maps/pdf/StLuciaMap.pdf map of the campus] (available on level 4) to find it</i>
 
  
After doing this it's a good idea to meet your floor manager, to organize a time for them to take you on the floor induction.
+
===Yoga in the Matrix (13)===
  
===Required Inductions===
+
{{Joke_start}}
 +
My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercises.
  
The induction you will need to do include:
+
I just dodged a bullet.
* <b>Floor induction</b> - typically run weekly by your floor manager --> '''~1 hr'''
+
{{Credits|people=[https://laffgaff.com/yoga-jokes-puns/ laffgaff.com] - unedited}}
* <b>IMB induction</b> - run every Wednesday in a small auditorium --> '''~1 hr'''
+
{{Joke_end}}
* <b>PC2 training</b> - run about every 6 months in the main auditorium, and must be renewed every 2 years --> '''2 hrs'''
 
  
You will also have to sit at least two of the four online <b>Occupation Health & Safety (OHS)</b> tests:
 
* <b>Workplace Induction</b> - [http://elearn.com.au/uq2/START.htm here]
 
* <b>Annual Fire Safety</b> - [http://elearn.com.au/uq2/START.htm here] (we now have to redo this EVERY year!)
 
The good news is you can fail these tests as many times as you need - once passed it will ask for your full name, staff number <i>(if you don't have one enter "n/a")</i> e-mail and building <i>(0080 Queensland Bioscience Precinct)</i>, then print it out (by clicking submit) and take your two printed certificates it up to the ''Office Manager'', <b>Lucinda Essery</b>, (62102) on level 4.
 
  
 +
===Yoga Inner Peace Acronym (14)===
  
===Computer Network and Internet===
+
{{Joke_start}}
 +
A student asks his yoga teacher: <i>"What's the secret to finding peace as I do yoga".</i>
  
After your inductions are complete the IMB will give you an IMB username and password (plus an IMB e-mail address), which will allow you to log into the computer your supervisor allocated to you! Until then you will more-or-less have to rely on other group members to log you in - or you can call ITS (ext: '''62233''') and ask if they can give you a temporary account. The IMB has its own ITS (IT support), tucked away on level 3, but they are quite good. Unfortunately, the building has very tight security policies, and so you won't be able to gain access to the Internet from your own laptop (since you haven't logged in with an IMB account). Furthermore: very few people in this building are allowed admin rights on their computer, and thus you may need to call ITS to install any special software you need (or if you are using a Mac, install in your user > Applications directory).
+
<i>"Well I practice these 4 concepts: Contemplation. Relaxation. Acceptance. Peace."</i>, the teacher replies.
  
Hopefully your helper will show you how to set up printing <i>(making sure your default settings is black, double-sided printing to save money and paper)</i>, e-mail, access the "HSM" and "Apollo" servers, and everything else you will need during your stay at the IMB.
+
<i>"That sounds like 'CRAP' to me".</i>
 +
{{Credits|people=not an original concept}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
Some important websites:
 
* [https://building.imb.uq.edu.au/ https://building.imb.uq.edu.au/] - the main internal website, containing links to safety information etc.
 
* [https://building.imb.uq.edu.au/db/ https://building.imb.uq.edu.au/db/] - our internal database, where you can make orders, or search the IMB phone directory.
 
* [http://helpdesk.imb.uq.edu.au/ http://helpdesk.imb.uq.edu.au/] - IMB's ITS help desk, for submitting help tickets when you have issues with your computer
 
* [http://mail.imb.uq.edu.au/ http://mail.imb.uq.edu.au/] - to access your IMB e-mail account from outside the building.
 
* [http://www.library.uq.edu.au/docdeliv/index.html http://www.library.uq.edu.au/docdeliv/index.html] - to deliver ''(scan and e-mail)'' any journal articles you can't find online PDFs (search [http://scholar.google.com/ Google Scholar] and [http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/ PubMed] and [http://www.library.uq.edu.au/ UQ Library] first).
 
* [https://www.uq.edu.au/insight/brand/index.html?page=110835#_powerpoint UQ branded templates] - available using your staff login (eg: uqjbloggs@uq.edu.au).
 
  
==Getting Paid==
 
  
If you have moved to the IMB to work, you will need the following before you get paid:
+
===Yogi Humor Stretch (15)===
* An <b>Australian Tax File Number</b> - to receive an income you'll need a [http://www.immi.gov.au/living-in-australia/settle-in-australia/to-do-first/apply-for-tfn.htm Australian Tax File Number (TFN)]. Depending on your exact income ''(see: [http://calculators.ato.gov.au/scripts/asp/simpletaxcalc/main.asp tax calculator])'' ~30% (for non-residents) or ~20% (for residents) of your earnings is given directly the government; although at the end of each financial year (July) you can submit a "tax return" and get a little of this back.
 
* A <b>UniSuper account</b> - the Australian government automatically takes a small percentage of your earning and puts it into a "superannuation" scheme, which you can access when you turn 65 (see: "[http://www.ato.gov.au/super/content.asp?doc=/content/48211.htm preservation age]") or leave the country. As far as superannuation schemes go, [http://www.unisuper.com.au/ UniSuper] is quite a good one - but it's not like you have a choice.
 
* An <b>Australian Bank Account</b>.
 
  
Caraine on level 4 will give you the forms to set up a TFN and UniSuper, but you will need to set up a bank account yourself.
+
{{Joke_start}}
 +
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
  
 +
But it was a bit of a stretch.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://laffgaff.com/yoga-jokes-puns/ laffgaff.com] - unedited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
===Setting up an Australian Bank Account===
 
  
My recommendation is to get your helper to help you set up a <b>Commonwealth bank</b> account. The [http://www.commbank.com.au/ Commonwealth bank] is your best bet becase: ''(a)'' they have a branch on campus (in the "UQUnion" area), ''(b)'' they are Australia's biggest and most secure bank, ''(c)'' you can quickly set up an account and ''(d)'' they have many ATMs including two near the main UQ bus terminal (opposite the IMB).
+
===Yoga Pant Stats (16)===
  
My advice is to get your helper to walk you across to the Commonwealth Bank - making sure you bring with you your '''passport''', '''Offer of appointment at IMB''' and your full '''contact details'''. A bank assistant will take you both into a small room and ask you questions to determine what type of account(s) you might need. Your best option is to set up a:
+
{{Joke_start}}
* <b>Streamline Account</b> and with a <b>Debit Card</b> (aka KeyCard) and "NetBank" (electronic) access. The fees for this include:
+
A recent study found that 90% of the women that wear yoga pants don't actually do yoga.
** ~$4 a month account keeping; although if the uni transfer in >$2000 a month (which is likely) this fee is waved.
 
** ~$29 each time you transfer to an offshore account (regardless of how much).
 
** ~$2 if you use a non-Commonwealth Bank ATM - but free from Commonwealth ATMs and shops.
 
The advantage of this Streamline account is low cost, and easy withdraw of money using you debit card. The only disadvantage is that it obtains almost NO interest! And so if you plan on staying in Australia long term you should also set up a <b>AwardSaver</b> account - featuring a fairly competitive interest rate. You can check your balance and transfer money freely between these accounts using [https://www3.netbank.commbank.com.au/netbank/bankmain NetBank].
 
  
In setting up your account, the bank assistant will need you to provide a mobile phone number to send you a temporary password for NetBank. If you don't have a working mobile yet, I suggest giving them the mobile number of a trustworthy lab member. If possible you should also set a "phone banking password". And finally, you will need to provide an address... and since you are likely to move, I recommend you give them your IMB mailing address:
+
The same study found that 100% of men didn't care why they were wearing yoga pants, they were grateful regardless.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://laffgaff.com/yoga-jokes-puns/ laffgaff.com] - slightly edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
<blockquote style="background: white; border: 1px solid rgb(153, 153, 153); padding: 1em;" >
 
<i><u>Joe Blogs</u>
 
<br>Institute for Molecular Bioscience
 
<br>University of Queensland
 
<br>QLD 4072 (Australia)</i>
 
</blockquote>
 
  
  
Mail to this address will arrive in the pigeon hole on your level. The assistant will give you a piece of paper with your bank account number, which you will want to photocopy and take to Caraine on level 4. The Bank will then take a couple of days to process your request, but you will soon receive your debit card, and you can call the bank on 13 2221 to activate your account.
+
===Stretching the Truth (17)===
  
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
My yoga teacher convinced me that I would become a master in my first month of lesson. I don't think she was lying, but she was probably stretching the truth.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://laffgaff.com/yoga-jokes-puns/ laffgaff.com] - slightly edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
NOTE: When completing a Tax File number will find you are forced to enter the address slightly differently: "<i><u>Joe Blogs</u>, Institute for Molecular Bioscience, 306 Carmody Road, St Lucia, QLD 4067 (Australia)</i>" - but fear not, it will still get to you.
+
===Standing Corrected (18)===
  
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
My friend told me if I did yoga it would fix my posture. I didn't believe him at first.
  
===Collecting Refunds for Your Expenses===
+
But I now stand corrected.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://laffgaff.com/yoga-jokes-puns/ laffgaff.com] - edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
If you need to be re-reimbursed for travel expenses (or any other purchases) you must visit the ''Office Manager'' on level 4. Lucinda will require: ''(1)'' all your receipts (including any credit card statement with your name), ''(2)'' your (Australian) bank account (to transfer money to) and ''(3)'' an e-mail to her from your supervisor including the account number to use before she can process your request. If you ever go on any conference trips outside of Brisbane you will also be asked to fill in a "travel log" form detailing what you did on each day of your trip. <i>TIP: In some cases your supervisor will pay for food, so remember to ask for all restaurant bills and grocery receipts (as well as taxi receipts etc)!</i>
 
  
 +
===Dating the Instructor (19)===
  
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
I started dating my yoga instructor.
  
 +
Now we're friends with zenefits.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://laffgaff.com/yoga-jokes-puns/ laffgaff.com] - edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
  
==Other Practical Advices==
+
===Ballsy Move (20)===
  
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
A yogi is complaining to a friend over coffee:
  
===Facilities Around Campus===
+
"Girl I hear you. I'm sick of men who stop to stare and even yell crass things at me when I wear my tight yoga pants at the mall. I just yell back at them: 'I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable and empowering and they make me feel sexy. Who cares if your kid can see my balls?!'"
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://laffgaff.com/yoga-jokes-puns/ laffgaff.com] - edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
[[image:UQ_imb_map.jpg]]
 
  
  
As you explore UQ you should notice take notice of the following facilities:
 
  
* <b>Post Office</b> - located near the front of the uni - the friendly staff can help you send packages back home.
+
==Question and Answer Jokes==
* <b>Campus Travel</b> - there are two travel agents on campus, but all official IMB travel must be done through "Campus Travel".
 
* <b>Pharmacy</b> - located in the [http://www.uqu.uq.edu.au/ UQUnion] complex.
 
* <b>International Student Office</b> - don't know much about this ?
 
* <b>Sports Centre</b> - includes quite a large gym, frequented by many IMBers.
 
* <b>Aquatic Centre</b> - where many people go to swim during the hot summer.
 
  
And there are also two <b>newsagents</b> on campus, several <b>libraries</b> and many <b>places to eat</b>. Hopefully your helper will show you around and point most of these out! If not it can be fun to just explore by yourself.
 
  
===Mobile Phone===
+
===Drunk People and Yoga Pants (1)===
  
Even if your mobile phone carrier overseas doesn't have any decent "international" option for Australia, it can help to bring your mobile phone to Australia. You can go to the university post-office or newsagent and purchase a "pre-paid" mobile SIM card for (~$20-30) ([http://telstra.com.au/mobile/prepaid/gettingstarted.html Telstra] is a good one]). These are charged per call, but it's good to use in emergencies. You can also ask about "International Call Cards" - as these can provide a <b>vastly</b>cheaper way to call your home country.
+
{{Joke_start}}
 +
Q: What do these three things have in common: (1) little kids, (2) insanely drunk people and (3) yoga pants.
  
 +
A: They will never lie to you.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://laffgaff.com/yoga-jokes-puns/ laffgaff.com] - modified}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
===Phone Calls from the IMB===
 
  
You can make local phone calls from within the IMB by dialing "0" before the number.
+
===Inquire About a Job (2)===
  
To call overseas, the cheapest option is to use [http://www.skype.com/ Skype] (internet phone). Skype comes installed on IMB computers - although you'll want to buy a $20 headset and be careful not to disturb others around you. Especially if your supervisor is nearby.  :-)
+
{{Joke_start}}
 +
Q: What does a "help wanted" sign for a yoga instructor say?
  
Internal calls within the IMB are five digits (62xxx), but to call this number from outside the IMB you must add "334" to the front. For example the number for <u>IMB general inquires</u> is:
+
A: Inquire Within.
* '''62015''' - from inside the building
+
{{Credits|people=[https://funkidsjokes.com/yoga-jokes/ funkidsjokes.com] - unmodified}}
* '''334 62015''' - from outside the building (still in Queensland)
+
{{Joke_end}}
* '''(07) 33462015''' - from inter-state (still in Australia)
 
* '''+61 7 33462015''' - from outside Australia
 
  
Emergency numbers:
+
===Out of Shape (3)===
* '''53333''' - central university security (from any UQ phone)
 
* '''000''' - national emergency services dispatch (from anywhere)
 
  
Useful:
+
{{Joke_start}}
* '''+61 7 3346 2100''' - IMB general enquiries
+
Q: Why was the woman so angry after yoga class?
* '''62233''' - IMB IT support (internal)
 
  
Fax:
+
A: She was bent all out of shape.
* '''+61 7 3346 2101''' - NOTE: the IMB has a SINGLE fax machine on level 4 to service the whole building. It's free to use for everyone, but it's a little complex dialing out, so you may have to ask the receptionist (level 4 west) for help when you send a fax. If you receive a fax, the same receptionist will usually e-mail you so you can pick it up - assuming, of course, it has your name on it!
+
{{Credits|people=[https://funkidsjokes.com/yoga-jokes/ funkidsjokes.com] - unmodified}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
  
==Summary==
+
===Everything Pizza (4)===
  
In this document I have tried to provide some practical advice on how to seek accommodation and make an easy  transition to the IMB. As you have noticed, the IMB requires you to sit through numerous inductions before you can claim you are completely official! Although these can be painful and tricky, they can also be a useful introduction to the building and and I encourage hope you to get them out of the way quickly so you can actually reach a stage where you can become productive and learn about your new lab!
+
{{Joke_start}}
 +
Q: What does a zen yogi master say when ordering a pizza?
  
Some of the best advice however, will be provided by the members of your new group! If you offer to buy them lunch, these people will hopefully show you around campus and provide tips on where to eat, and help you out with everything you possible need to know about the IMB.
+
A: Make me one with everything.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://funkidsjokes.com/yoga-jokes/ funkidsjokes.com] - unmodified}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
  
I hope this document has been useful!
 
  
 +
===Yogi in Prison (5)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
Q: What happened to the yoga instructor who was arrested for selling drugs?
 +
 +
A: She was sentenced to a long stretch in prison.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://laffgaff.com/yoga-jokes-puns/ laffgaff.com] - edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
 +
===Tall Yogi (6)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
Q: How did the yogi master get so tall?
 +
 +
A: He Gu-ru.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://funkidsjokes.com/yoga-jokes/ funkidsjokes.com] - slightly edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
 +
===Change Coming (7)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
Q: Why couldn't the yogi find any coins outside outside his studio?
 +
 +
A: Because change comes from within.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://funkidsjokes.com/yoga-jokes/ funkidsjokes.com] - slightly edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
 +
===Change Coming (8)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
Q: Why do yogis get so excited about Christmas?
 +
 +
A: They love presence.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://funkidsjokes.com/yoga-jokes/ funkidsjokes.com] - edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
 +
===Change Coming (9)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
Q: Why was the dyslexic cow so relaxed at yoga?
 +
 +
A: Oooooooom.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://funkidsjokes.com/yoga-jokes/ funkidsjokes.com] - edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
===Kindergarden (10)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
Q: Why do yoga teachers feel threatened by kindergarten teachers?
 +
 +
A: Kindergarten teachers let their students roll out mats and lay down without charging $40.
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://funkidsjokes.com/yoga-jokes/ funkidsjokes.com] - edited}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
 +
==Long Yoga Jokes==
 +
 +
 +
===Yoga Pants at Church (1)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Long yoga joke of the day #1 ---}}
 +
A man and his inappropriate dad were sitting at church to decided if it was a good place for the son to get married.
 +
 +
Suddenly a beautiful African American lady walk past in a tight outfit - she's wearing incredibly sexy bright blue yoga pants. I'm talking drop dead gorgeous. She bends over to pay her respects to the lord and you can see all her amazing curves thanks to her tight fitted yoga leggings.
 +
 +
After watching her bending over, my dad points and comments <i>"Holy Jesus, those should be illegal in this place of worship!"</i>
 +
 +
The son turns to him and says, <i>"They were, dad, for hundreds of years. Then we had a civil war and freed them."</i>
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://upjoke.com/yoga-jokes upjoke] - this was claimed to be a true story, but I edited a little and I'm still worried it's a bit strong, but hopefully people understand that it's a humorous quip.}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
 +
 +
===Three Yogis Go to Heaven (2)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Long yoga joke of the day #2 ---}}
 +
Three yogis arrive at heaven in a single batch. God is a the Pearly gates, splits them up and says to the first: "look, we just have too many fancy yoga people in heaven these days, I can only let you in if I feel sorry for you".
 +
 +
The '''first guy''' says, "Well I think you should feel sorry for me!".
 +
 +
"I was at a yoga retreat with my wife, but I felt like she was staring a little too much at the yoga instructor in his tight pants and his toned body. I convinced myself I was just paranoid, so for my inner peace and closure I went to visit the yoga instructor in his room and I walk inside but he wasn't there. When I get downstairs, I hear loud grunting sex noises inside, and I go into a rage. The door is locked... I start kicking down the door and when I bust in I yell at my wife 'where is he!'. I look everywhere and nothing but then I noticed there are ten fingers on the railing of the balcony outside. It's him! He's trying to hide from me in just his underpants and I'm so angry that I start hitting his fingers. He pleads me to stop, but I keep going and he falls down. He's hurt, but definitely not dead... so in my growing rage I grab a heavy mini fridge from inside, and throw it down onto him. Unfortunately at this point the rage is so much I have a heart attack and die on the spot."
 +
 +
God looks stunned, "Well I generally don't condone murder, I'm surprised you admitted to that so readily, but I do feel sorry for you, so I'll let you in".
 +
 +
 +
 +
Then god goes to the second guy.
 +
 +
The '''second guy''' says, "You'll definitely feel sorry for me!".
 +
 +
"I had just finished teaching a yoga course, to help out all the wonderful people who come for my guidance. I drink a wonderful health smoothie, and I start doing stretches on the balcony of my hotel room in my underpants. Suddenly, when I go from warrior one pose to warrior two, I slip on my smoothie, and fall right off the edge. Luckily I have great reflexes, so I catch the railing of the room downstairs, but some crazy guy starts yelling at me. He hits my fingers, and I fall... just as I realize my beautifully toned legs are broken, the guy throws a mini fridge onto me and I'm now here.
 +
 +
God is almost speechless, "We generally don't like yoga instructors, but you had the worst day ever, so you can go inside".
 +
 +
 +
 +
Finally the '''third guy''' comes up. "So funny story. I was folded up lotus position and hiding in a mini-fridge.... and suddenly the fridge start to move".
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=[https://upjoke.com/yoga-jokes upjoke] - then edited by me to be more yoga focussed}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
 +
===Practical Yoga for Men (3)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Long yoga joke of the day #3 ---}}
 +
Gary walks into a yoga studio and see several different groups of men of different sizes doing different warm ups. The instructor greets him.
 +
 +
"Welcome to our 6 step program, practical yoga for men!
 +
 +
 +
Most of our men start at '''level 1'''... These men don't yet have the balance to pass the police sobriety test, but they soon over come that."
 +
 +
He points to a chubby group of guys attempting a one legged pose with limited success.
 +
 +
 +
"At '''level 2''', you'll have enough core strength to tie your shoelaces without needing to sit down."
 +
 +
He points to a less chubby group of guys doing warriors 3.
 +
 +
 +
"At '''level 3''', you'll have the stamina to sit with your kid for hours without cramping up".
 +
 +
He points to a group of guys in lotus position.
 +
 +
 +
"At '''level 4''', you'll be bendy enough to use airplane restrooms and seating without injuring your back."
 +
 +
He points to a group of skinny guys in happy baby.
 +
 +
 +
"At '''level 5''', you'll be have the physique to be shirtless and take amazing dating profile pictures that help you date fitness girls and finally get laid sometimes."
 +
 +
The instructor points to a group of ripped guys doing headstands and other impressive poses.
 +
 +
 +
"Wow, that's really terrific! I guess nobody makes it up level 6 though?" The man says, and points at an empty area of floor.
 +
 +
"Oh no, we've had lots of yogis reach level 6! At '''level 6''' you reach total satisfaction. Those are the guys flexible enough to suck their own penises. They tend to stop coming to lessons because they mostly stay at home at that point."
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=I did this one... it was my first yoga joke, I hope it's okay}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
===Banned from Church (4)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Long yoga joke of the day #4 ---}}
 +
A man goes into church for confession.
 +
 +
"Forgive me father. For I have sinned".
 +
 +
"Tell me your sins Barry", says the priest.
 +
 +
"It's the damn yoga. I know I'm not supposed to have engage in sex before my wedding, but my finance just took up yoga a few months ago ahead of her dress fitting. The problem is she was already a blonde knockout and now she's sexier than ever before with her toned body. I already loved her curves, but this is something else... I've been practically watering at the mouth watching her practice her stretches and then finally, this morning I gave in to temptation."
 +
 +
"What happened Barry?".
 +
 +
"Well father, this morning she was trying to reach for a health juice on a very high shelf. She wasn't quite tall enough to reach it, so she's on her tippy toes stretching her arms up and she's wearing a new pair of the sexiest skin tight yoga leggings. After months of temptation the sight of her perfect yoga ass was too much. I dropped what I was holding, tore down her leggings, bent her over in front of the shelves and just went wild on her. Like a primal man. The lust was so intense we both reach screaming orgasms within minutes of hard passionate sex. I came everywhere."
 +
 +
"Oh gosh Barry", the priest said.... trying to compose himself. "While I appreciate your honesty, this isn't one of those half-hearted city churches, we take pre-marital sex very seriously and I have no choice but to ban you and your fiancé from the church.... for life."
 +
 +
"Oh no priest. That's really bad news... my fiancé is going to be really upset. This is our second lifelong ban in one day.... earlier today we got banned from Whole foods."
 +
 +
 +
 +
----
 +
 +
(follow up after the punch line)
 +
 +
"Wait.... you mean you had sex in Whole foods."
 +
 +
"Yup, the produce section....... they say the lord is always watching, well so are the guys behind the security camera. They called in the cleanup crew before we were even finished."
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=I wrote this, but it's modified from something I heard a comedian say when I was young.}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
===All Girl Yoga Jealousy (5)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Long yoga joke of the day #5 ---}}
 +
Tina goes to an all girl yoga class with a male instruction. Unfortunately, the class feels very competitive, and Tina is jealous of the three stunning blonde girls who sit at the front like teacher's pets and always seem completely zen during mediation. Meanwhile Tina is sweaty and panting to keep up.
 +
 +
So Tina waits till the end of class and approaches the instructor, Mario.
 +
 +
 +
"''I know I'm supposed to reach over peace, but I'm so jealous of those three girls!''"
 +
 +
 +
Mario giggles. "''Oh you mean Harmony, Butterfly and Rainbow?! Don't be jealous of those skinny white girl from the marina. The reason they are always zen is because they come to class early and take a tonne of hallucinogenic drugs.''"
 +
 +
 +
Tina laughs too. "''Oh that makes me feel way better, no wonder they seem so happy if they are high as kites! But what about you Greg... You don't take drugs and you are always seem glowing and happy during class?''"
 +
 +
 +
"''Oh, that's because I'm sleeping with them.''"
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=This one is mine.... Sorry it's a little naughty.}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
===Asleep During Yoga (6)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Long yoga joke of the day #6 ---}}
 +
A man opens his eyes the end of a yoga class and realizes everyone is giggling at him and he's the only one on the floor still. Now this is a very shy guy, so he rolls up his mat and avoids eye contact. After everyone is gone he goes up the female teacher and says "Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed... I think I feel asleep during your class!".
 +
 +
"Oh yes you did George, right at the beginning", she smirks.
 +
 +
"Oh my gosh, this is really embarrassing, I was laying down that whole time?".
 +
 +
"Yes, but umm... well I feel like I should warn you that it gets worse".
 +
 +
"Oh no! I didn't.... did I snore? I've been told I sometimes snore".
 +
 +
"Yup, you started snoring, pretty loudly on an off, for the full two hours".
 +
 +
"Oh my gosh, that's so embarrassing, I probably can't show my face her for a month, I'm so embarrassed."
 +
 +
"Yup..... but it gets worse."
 +
 +
"Oh, I didn't.... did I", he whispers, "did I pass wind?".
 +
 +
"Yup.... a couple of times, everyone laughed each time".
 +
 +
George is really upset at this point... he puts his hands on his head.
 +
 +
"Holy cow, this is humiliating, I won't be able to come to yoga for 2 months before people forget".
 +
 +
"Umm.... yes, but it gets worse".
 +
 +
"I don't understand, what else could possibly have gone wrong?"
 +
 +
"Well.... let's just say that you were laying down in Shavasana position, but your little guy was doing a proud standing warrior one."
 +
 +
"What do you mean?".
 +
 +
"You had an erection George."
 +
 +
George is speechless. "I'm ruined."
 +
 +
"It gets worse.", she says. "I did try to help you when I noticed what the girls were all pointing at your little warrior. I came over to your side and try to rolled you over, but you started moaning 'Oh Susie' and 'Oh Susie you're so beautiful'. And then you just flopped onto your back again."
 +
 +
George turns white. "Oh this is my worst fear, I have a secret crush on Susie from the class."
 +
 +
"It's not very secret anymore George, everyone in the class knows."
 +
 +
"Oh gosh, I think I want to go home and cry. I don't think I can come back for a year."
 +
 +
"...... Oh it get's worse."
 +
 +
"How could it get any worse?!", George exclaims.
 +
 +
"At the end we always do three OMs, and even though you were asleep you were so excited you moaned OM louder than anyone and then I'm pretty sure you OMed in your pants."
 +
 +
George just stood there in shock. Sure enough he noticed his pants were wet. He sunk his head.
 +
 +
"Look George, I pride myself on being honest, and you probably don't want to come back to this class, because nobody here today will forget and you're always going to get laughs after what happened. I know you're super shy and I don't know if my students can focus when they're laughing."
 +
 +
George is at the pinnacle of shame... he holds his head really low and he starts walking out in silence.
 +
 +
"Wait, there is one great thing to come from this George", the instructor says.
 +
 +
"What could that possibly be", he says as he turns back.
 +
 +
"Well maybe you've never been told this before, but you have a very impressive sized warrior one. I've never seen one so big honest. And this was a two hour class. Not many men can maintain any upright pose for that long... Susie wants me to give you her number. She says you can come over to her place anytime so she can give you private workout... and that you should get more sleep now, because you won't be getting any sleep at her place."
 +
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=This one is mine. I was basically imagining everything that could go wrong in yoga... I told it once to friend's and they all said "awww... that's sweet" at the end, instead of actually laughing, but that's still a positive I think. It's fun if you tell it passionately and act out just how distraught George is.}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
===Instagram Hell (7)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}{{Little_text|text=--- Long yoga joke of the day #7 ---}}
 +
A girl arrives in heaven, and Jesus is at the Pearly gates looking at her file.
 +
 +
"Yeah, I'm sorry you got hit by a bus as you left yoga, but I'm even sorry to say you didn't make it into heaven, I have to send you downstairs."
 +
 +
"Exxxxcuise me. You're not letting me in.", she says.
 +
 +
"Hey, it's not personal..... We don't mind yogis, but it says here that you were also an instagram model".
 +
 +
"No, I'm definitely getting in... do you have any idea who I am. I have 2 million followers".
 +
 +
"Lady, I have 2 billion followers, but your ancestors decided to nail me to a cross and now we have rules about who we let in. Your file says you never contributed anything to the world, you just ranted to strangers about how perfect your life is and took a bunch of photos which objectified your own body and pretended like that was a real job. You put all your time into your appearance, and not into education or developing a personality. You didn't do anything kind or positive for anyone else on the planet, you are the epitome of selfishness and vanity, and now you pay the price by going to hell."
 +
 +
"I'm going to call my dad, he'll fix this. And you'll be in big trouble Mister Christ."
 +
 +
"Pretty sure your dad is in hell too. And your cellphone won't work here. Last time I checked it was my dad who wields all the power around here, not your dad."
 +
 +
The girl pauses for a second. "Okay, so like, I don't know much about this hell, can you at least describe it to me so I know how angry to be."
 +
 +
"Lady, you are about to be sent underground into the hottest place on earth. You'll exist in a steaming hot conditions surrounded by a bunch of emaciated undressed strangers, with lifeless eyes, devoid of any personality and struggling for breath. You are going to be yelled at and berated by an evil little man and forced into all kinds of torturous positions. Sweat will pour from your body constantly. There is no temperature adjustment and it will never end."
 +
 +
The girl claps her hand in excitement: "Oh super perfect! That sounds great!".
 +
 +
"Wait, why are you excited?".
 +
 +
"I love Bikram yoga!"
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=This one is mine. I dated an influencer once - in my defense I didn't know what an 'influencer' was at that stage. Oh yes, she was beautiful, but a very shallow life and I felt like an idiot for thinking she was a real entrepreneur (which she had connived me she was) and I had flown to NY to meet her.... But then I remembered I had also gone to see NY! Ask me about my brief dating podcast career and you can hear all about it!}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
===Australian Yoga (8)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
A fun surfy bloke from Australia called Bruce, moves to California, and he's needs to get a job so he doesn't go broke. He sees an ad that says "yoga instructor needed", and he thinks to himself: "hey, I always stretch before surfing, how hard can it be?".
 +
 +
He walks in to apply and they say <i>"You look pretty fit. We actually have a beginner class starting right now, if you need the money you should lead it"</i>.
 +
 +
<i>"Okay great!"</i>, Bruce replies.
 +
 +
... <i>"You have yoga teaching experience right?"</i>.
 +
 +
 +
He lies and says <i>"Sure"</i>.
 +
 +
.... <i>"Good, but just to help you get started we're going to send Charles in to watch you. Charles studied yoga at Stanford"</i>.
 +
 +
 +
Suddenly Bruce feels uneasy, but it's too late to back out. Luckily, when he gets to class, he notices a poster on the opposite side of the wall which is called <i>"Basic Yoga Positions"</i>. It's close enough he can see what each position looks like, but it's slightly too far to read the writing to see the name of the position. So he asks the class to take two deep breaths and gets started in the first position, and thinking to himself <i>"Hey, I can totally pull this off"</i>.
 +
 +
.... <i>"You know Bruce, it's customary here to announce each position as you assume it"</i>, says Charles.
 +
 +
 +
<i>"Of course, I was just getting too that.... This one is called....... Man catching a cricket ball"</i>.
 +
 +
... Now of course Charles is a little bit of a pretentious jerk so he replies: <i>"That's funny Bruce, I studied yoga at Stanford... and I've been to Ashrams all over the world, and I've never heard of any cricket ball pose. This pose is called warrior one"</i>.
 +
 +
 +
<i>"True blue Charles. Well we have different names for poses in Australia, but you can help me interpret them to help us all out"</i>, Bruce replies. Luckily no-one in the class has ever been to Australia, so Bruce is pretty sure he's outsmarted Charles, as he takes the next pose.
 +
 +
 +
<i>"Man pointing at horizon"</i>, he announces.
 +
 +
... <i>"At Stanford and everywhere else that's just, warrior two"</i>, Charles replies but Bruce ignores him.
 +
 +
 +
 +
<i>"Excited kangaroo"</i>, says Bruce.
 +
 +
... <i>"Chair pose"</i>.
 +
 +
 +
<i>"Excited wombat"</i>, says Bruce.
 +
 +
... <i>"Happy baby pose"</i>.
 +
 +
 +
<i>"Excited goanna"</i>, he announces.
 +
 +
... <i>"Nope, Cobra pose"</i>, Charles replies.
 +
 +
 +
<i>"Horny dingo"</i>, says Bruce.
 +
 +
... <i>"Downward facing dog"</i>.
 +
 +
 +
This continues for the full hour, and the lessons is almost over, when Charles finally realizes that Bruce has he's been looking at the basic positions chart at the back.
 +
 +
 +
... <i>"Okay, so this beginner lesson is almost over, but before we leave, why don't you show us a more advanced pose Bruce?"</i>
 +
 +
 +
Bruce panics, but luckily there's an inspiration yogi poster nearby. It shows a woman doing the splits and it's called the "Monkey pose". Bruce hasn't tried the splits since he was a kid, but he's too invested now... he slowly works down, but then he's also pretty wobbly at this stage and he slips on his sweaty feet and falls down into full splits. Immediately he screams in pain.
 +
<i>"Oh, I broke my little dingo"</i>, he yells.
 +
 +
...
 +
 +
Now...... you might expect Charles, being a smug Ivy League prick, would say something smart-ass at this point. Like maybe "yup, we call it that too", or "squashed banana split". Everyone in the class is expecting Charles to say something. But god damn-it, there's a code among men when someone injures his groin this badly. Instead of being a jerk, Charles is worried Bruce really did break his dingo, so he immediately his fancy medical training kick in... he jumps in front of Bruce, bends his head right in there to look and feels for signs of a groin injury.
 +
 +
 +
At the back of the class, one of the guys whispers to the guy next to him. <i>"I'm confused, isn't he going to tell us what they call this one in Stanford?"</i>.
 +
 +
The neighbor leans across and replies. <i>"Oh I went to Stanford too, so I can help... we call that one 'asking your professor for an extension'"</i>.
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=This one is mine. I like to make fun of Stanford students.  :) }}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
===Play on Namaste and Nah-I'm-a-Gay (9)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
A man goes to a new yoga class for the first time, and stares uncomfortably at the female instructor. He stays behind after yoga class laying on his mat. Everyone else has left and the female instructor walk up to him:
 +
 +
"Wow. You've been shooting me creepy looks all session. Let me guess 3 things about you."
 +
 +
"What's that honey?".
 +
 +
"Well....
 +
Firstly, when I ask you to leave you'll say 'na-ma-going-to-stay" - thinking like that's funny, and then you'll hit on me.
 +
Secondly, you act tough, but I have a boyfriend already, his name is Devin, he's hotter and stronger than you, he's waiting for me outside the class and when I offer to introduce you to him, you're going to run away like a scared little boy.
 +
Thirdly, you came to this yoga hoping to get lucky today, but you are in for a rude shock because you will never get lucky in this place."
 +
 +
 +
"Oh wow, you read me like a book. That's close.
 +
Firstly, instead of namaste I'm going to say 'na-I-am-a-gay', and even if I was straight I could do better.
 +
Secondly, I'm going to tell you that I already know your hot boyfriend.
 +
Thirdly, the reason I'm on my back still is that I think I pulled a muscle just before class showing your him the downward dog. I'm shooting you weird looks because I felt obligated to come to this class and warn you to test yourself for chlamydia."
 +
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=I feel like there is gold in "nah-I'm-a-gay", but I haven't figured out how to turn it into a funny story. This was my closest to a funny story, but I don't find it funny... more mean than funny perhaps. Let me know if you think of something that might make people laugh.}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
==Animal Yoga Jokes==
 +
 +
 +
===Short Animal Yoga Jokes===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
I decided the market for yoga classes for animals is prime territory, but I have some open questions...
 +
 +
----
 +
Do you think dog yoga classes have a "human poses"?
 +
 +
----
 +
If I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys..
 +
 +
Should I call it "peace of ass"
 +
 +
----
 +
If I run a yoga studio for felines.
 +
 +
Do you think my yogis would get go catty?
 +
----
 +
A pack of wolves are doing yoga and one of them asks another: "wow, who's the new super mindful wolf that came to class".
 +
 +
"That's 'Aware wolf', we stay away from him."
 +
{{Credits|people=Mixed}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
 +
 +
===The Animals Invent A Human Pose===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
A bunch of animals rally together, because they all have yoga poses named after them and they feel it's demeaning. For instance there's a butterfly for butterfly pose... a cat, a cow, a camel, a crane, a crow, a cobra.... a dog, a firefly, a fish, a frog, an eagle, a horse, a lion, a locust, a monkey, a pigeon, a peacock, a rabbit, a swan, a scorpion and finally a tortoise.
 +
 +
First of all they sit in a circle and say "holy crap there are a lot of us".... These are all actual yoga poses, so they talk about how demeaning each pose it, and they demonstrate the poses.
 +
 +
The frog complains that "frog pose" doesn't even look like him, but actually, it kind-of does. Still, all the animals are in agreement when the peacock (representing on of the most challenging poses) says: "Well to show the humans how offensive this is, we're going to make a 'man pose', in the most embarrassing position possible.
 +
 +
"Oh I know this one... says the cat, I've been watching my owner, and he stands on his two back legs and throws one hand down his pants and kind of jerks is around."
 +
 +
So the animals all try to do this human pose, but the only ones that gets it successfully are the monkey and the dog.
 +
 +
"What do you think dog, is it demeaning enough?", asks the cat.
 +
 +
"Oh these humans are fucking brilliant! No wonder they evolved to free up their hands!"
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=Inspired after I saw these poses: [https://yogamoha.com/yoga-poses-named-after-animals/ Yoga Poses Named After Animals] - sooo many! After the joke: Monkey agrees and they both decide to leave the meeting, because they've found something better to do.}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
===Animal Yoga Sex Positions===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
There are (true fact) about two dozen yoga positions named after animals, and about half of them look like sex positions. The animals are not happy about this, so they decide to assemble together all the affected animals into a room... including a dog for downward dog, a cat, a cow, a cobra, a camel, a fish, a lion, a rabbit and so on.... And they present a slideshow covering each of these positions in detail and how offensive it is. The swan stands at the front pointing at each women in each pose explaining how each pose is offensive and overly sexual.
 +
 +
The dog is especially offended "It's confusing enough that these humans wear tight yoga pants and assume positions where they look like they are waiting to be mounted.... why do they name them after respectable members of the animal kingdom".
 +
 +
"It's an outrage!", says Monkey.
 +
 +
"Wait.... Why are you here Monkey, we decided that monkey pose doesn't look like a sex position, it just looks like an idiot doing the splits and pointing into the air."
 +
 +
"I know, but I've been banned from watching porn in my house, and this slideshow is the next best thing."
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=Inspired after I saw these poses: [https://yogamoha.com/yoga-poses-named-after-animals/ Yoga Poses Named After Animals] - sooo many!}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
==Lists for Yogis==
 +
 +
 +
 +
===Signs that You Are Not a Real Yogi===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
'''Top 10 list of clear signs that you are not a real yogi'''
 +
 +
# You catch an Uber four blocks to your yoga studio, instead of walking.
 +
# You remember when yoga was called Twister, and even with that huge square mat you still fell off.
 +
# You tried to buy yoga pants, but they didn't have any your size.
 +
# You just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for your beer.
 +
# Every else is doing happy baby pose, and you are doing a crying baby.
 +
# Instead of bringing a "holier than thou" attitude into class you are a mess of insecurity about surviving the lesson.
 +
# Everyone else in class talks about playing sports after class and your idea of sport is the television.
 +
# Whenever the teacher says "there's also an easy version of this pose" you sign in relief.
 +
# When the teacher asks you to set an intention, you either answer out loud or think "to make it to the end of the class".
 +
# Everyone else has a reusable water bottle full of health juice or spring mineral water, and you're hiding a flask of liquor.
 +
 +
''More reasons you are too lazy'':
 +
 +
# Your favorite pose is the one where you lay down.
 +
# Everyone else looks like a commercial for Lululemon or zen life, and you look like you're still in your pajamas.
 +
# Your teacher asks you a second time to try touching your toes and you say "I am trying".
 +
# When the teacher asks for chair pose, you use it an excuse to sit down.
 +
# When the instructor asks everyone to close their eyes, you use it as a chance to collapse when nobody can see you.
 +
# You pick the back of the class, not to perv on other students, but so they can't see you wobbling in every position.
 +
# You've been known to skip yoga class in favor of.... not going to yoga class.
 +
# Instead of buying to bulk lessons, you do the pay as you go because you weight up your delusions against your budget and you decided against wasting money.
 +
# After your yoga sessions is finished, you don't feel energized at all, you just wanna go home and lay down.
 +
# Yoga would be better if they served beer and they play sport on the television. Actually forget the yoga.
 +
 +
 +
''More reasons you are not good enough for the title of yogi'':
 +
 +
# You're the only one laughing when someone farts, and the teacher reminds you that it's "a beautiful and natural sign of relaxation".
 +
# You think yoga is a competition. Or you think that's it's not a competition. Just contemplating this idea makes you a bad yogi.
 +
# You go through the class making noises and faces like you are receiving an extremely painful blow job.
 +
# You didn't get a chance to do yoga this morning... or any other morning of your life.
 +
# Your teach tell you to feel relaxed, but yoga has only ever made you stressed and anxious.
 +
# If you think yoga shouldn't be about fashion, and your outfit didn't cost a month's salary.
 +
# When asked to clear your mind, you start to make lists in your head.
 +
# Whenever you hear a name like "spirit flower" you giggle a little bit.
 +
# Whenever you hear words like "authentic self" you roll your third eye. Or you would, if you knew what the **** fuck a third eye was.
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=This one is mine, although I did pinch the bit about a coast from elsewhere.}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
===Signs that You Are Doing Yoga for the Wrong Reasons (for Girls)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
'''A list of clear signs that you are doing yoga for the wrong reason (for girls).'''
 +
 +
# Your second biggest reason for practicing yoga just to boost your spiritual street credit.
 +
# Your first biggest reason for practicing yoga is social media.
 +
# You've ever posted to instagram with any hash tag ending in "life". #yogaforlife, #bestlife, #blessed, #liveyourbest, #stop-using-instagram-you-poser.
 +
# You own more than one item from Lululemon.
 +
# Your main motivation for learning a new pose is for sharing a photo to social media.
 +
# You can't hang out with your old friend without talking about your new health lifestyle and suggesting they join your regiment.
 +
# You use words like "woke" when you hang out with your new friends, who share your point of view that everyone on the planet should be doing yoga life, forgetting that most of these regular people are doing the type of work that helps make the planet, instead of just bumming around.
 +
# You apply make-up before yoga class.
 +
# You disagree that a good workout involves sweat, because that's so unattractive. It's far more photogenic to get a hair blowout and never break a sweat.
 +
# No morning stretch or health shake feels finished until you've taken a selfie.
 +
 +
# One or more of your online dating photos is you doing contortion poses on the beach.
 +
# You have a blog or instagram post with the word "spiritual" in it.
 +
# Your idea of inner peace is fitting into a size two and having the sexiest body in the class.
 +
# You think yoga is a competition, and you're crushing it, because that brat Tiffany from your high school can't even put her feet behind her head.
 +
# You pretend you're upset that your tight yoga pants are attracting attention from the opposite sex, but really you're upset that more of them are looking at your best friend's ass and not yours. #objectify-my-body.
 +
# You were hoping yoga would help you achieve more of the karma sutra positions, but you still cramp up in basic cowgirl.
 +
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=This one is mine, although I did pinch the bit about a coast from elsewhere.}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
===Signs that You Are Doing Yoga to Meet Girls (for Guys)===
 +
 +
{{Joke_start}}
 +
'''A list of clear signs that you are doing yoga for the wrong reason (for guys).'''
 +
 +
# The only thing that helps you survive a yoga lesson is imagining each yoga position as a sex position.
 +
# When the yoga teachers asks if you're thirsty, you tense up because you think she "found you out", but in fact she's just talking about the water fountain outside.
 +
# Without the presence of sexy members of the opposite sex, you probably would have collapsed an hour ago, but the idea that they are watching you has you pretending you're "totally fine" and not in the least bit of pain.
 +
# You're not sure if you chose the back of the class because you like looking at bottoms (and pretending not too), or because you don't want people to see you wobbling in the first 5 minutes.
 +
# You feel like dropping words like "my yoga practice" into your next date will help you get laid.
 +
# You wanted to buy tight fitting shorts and shirts, so you took up yoga as an excuse.
 +
# You check yourself out in the mirror before, after and during each stretch.
 +
# When you lay down at the end, your first thought is "but what if I get an erection".
 +
# When you get dressed for yoga, you always look a second time at your sock draw and wonder if you should stuff one into your underpants.
 +
# You update your Facebook immediately with yoga photos, because you think that will make it easier to ask to "Facebook add" the girls in your class. Saying "let's be Facebook friends because I'm also interested in yoga" seem more friendly than the honest version "I want you contact details because I'm interested in seeing you without the yoga outfit".
 +
 +
{{Credits|people=This one is mine, although I did pinch the bit about a coast from elsewhere.}}
 +
{{Joke_end}}
 +
 +
==Related Pages==
 +
 +
* [[Jokes]]
  
  
 
==Links==
 
==Links==
  
* [http://www.uq.edu.au/international-guide/ UQ's Guide for International Students]
+
* [https://upjoke.com/yoga-jokes Upjoke - yoga jokes]
* [http://www.imb.uq.edu.au/index.html?page=11662 IMB site]
+
* [https://paperbackyoga.com/2013/11/07/26-not-copyrighted-bikram-yoga-jokes/ 26 Not Copyrighted Bikram Yoga Jokes] - although I only like a couple.
* [http://www.imb.uq.edu.au/index.html?page=93515 Directions to the IMB]
+
 
* [[IMB]] - some brief info about the building I've written.
+
 
  
 
[[Category:Personal]]
 
[[Category:Personal]]
[[Category:Images]]
 

Revision as of 15:32, 6 June 2021

About

NOTE: This page is a daughter page of: Jokes


So hypothetically you meet an amazing girl and she happens to be a yoga instructor. You say you're going to tell her a funny yoga joke every day, but you look online and a lot of them are rubbish. I feel like half of them do the "na-ma-going-to-stay" routine, which is only half funny once.

Here I've made up some of my own joke jokes and I've (hopefully) slightly improved on the few that made me giggle a little. :)


Hope you enjoy!


Short Yoga Jokes

What's your Flexibility Like (1)

--- Yoga joke of the day #1 ---

I wanted to take up yoga.

I contacted a yoga instructor and told him I wanted to be able to do the splits. He said "what's your flexibility like?" I said "I can't do Tuesdays".

Credits: upjoke - unedited



Pre-meditation (2)

--- Yoga joke of the day #2 ---

A yoga instructor killed a student before class started......

He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

Credits: upjoke - unedited



Yoga Candles (3)

--- Yoga joke of the day #3 ---

The yoga teacher stretches her legs to the ceiling and suddenly farts.

A student asks: "what position is that supposed to be?"

The teacher answers: "scented candle".

Credits: upjoke - unedited



How do you Know (4)

--- Yoga joke of the day #4 ---

How do you know when someone has reached inner peace during yoga?

They won't shut up about it.


How do you know if a guy teaches yoga?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.


How does a girl know if a male yoga teacher is straight?

He'll offer you private free lessons.


How do you know if he's professional?

He'll show up to your free private lesson wearing pants.

Credits: This one is mostly me



Protons Bend (5)

--- Yoga joke of the day #5 ---

How can photons bend so easily?

They practice light yoga.

Credits: upjoke - unedited


Naked Yoga (6)

--- Yoga joke of the day #6 ---

Psychologist: "What is your problem today?"

Patient: "Nightmares... I teach yoga, but the new trend is naked yoga... most of the class shows up naked."

Psychologist: "Wow, that sounds amazing actually! I'd be happy to see naked yogis all day."

Patient: "Not if you taught at a retirement center like me."

Credits: Mostly me, but I think I head a similar one somewhere else


Yogis Don't Drink (7)

--- Yoga joke of the day #7 ---

Why don't Bikram yogis drink?

It interferes with their suffering.

Credits: bikram-yoga-jokes - unedited


Six Final Months of Bikram Yoga (8)

A doctor tells a woman she has a fatal illness and only six months to live.

"Is there anything I can do?", she asks.

"Yes, there is," the doctor replies. "You could take Bikram Yoga every day for the next six months."

"How will that help my illness?" the woman asks.

"Oh, it won't help your illness," says the doctor, "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity."

Credits: bikram-yoga-jokes - unedited


Star Wars Yoga Joke (9)

Hans Solo walks into his bedroom after a long day fighting storm troopers. He is shocked by what he sees and he shouts, "Oh my God Leah, no!"

She explains, "But I told you all about us."

He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is..." (says Yoda).


When Yoda teaches his students yoga, do you think he tells them not to apply "too much force" when they try a new position?


Credits: upjoke - edited


Bad Girl at Yoga (10)

"Say you're a bad girl."

"I'm a bad girl."

"Oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do..."

"Ooh I'm gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice."

Credits: upjoke - mostly unedited


Drunk Instructor (11)

I think my yoga instructor was drunk today.

He put me in a very awkward position.

Credits: upjoke - unedited


Emails (12)

A yoga student asked his teacher, "Am I allowed to send you email?"

"Yes," replied the teacher, "But no attachments please."

Credits: awakeandmindful.com - mostly unedited


Yoga in the Matrix (13)

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercises.

I just dodged a bullet.

Credits: laffgaff.com - unedited


Yoga Inner Peace Acronym (14)

A student asks his yoga teacher: "What's the secret to finding peace as I do yoga".

"Well I practice these 4 concepts: Contemplation. Relaxation. Acceptance. Peace.", the teacher replies.

"That sounds like 'CRAP' to me".

Credits: not an original concept



Yogi Humor Stretch (15)

I wanted to tell a yoga joke.

But it was a bit of a stretch.

Credits: laffgaff.com - unedited


Yoga Pant Stats (16)

A recent study found that 90% of the women that wear yoga pants don't actually do yoga.

The same study found that 100% of men didn't care why they were wearing yoga pants, they were grateful regardless.

Credits: laffgaff.com - slightly edited



Stretching the Truth (17)

My yoga teacher convinced me that I would become a master in my first month of lesson. I don't think she was lying, but she was probably stretching the truth.

Credits: laffgaff.com - slightly edited


Standing Corrected (18)

My friend told me if I did yoga it would fix my posture. I didn't believe him at first.

But I now stand corrected.

Credits: laffgaff.com - edited


Dating the Instructor (19)

I started dating my yoga instructor.

Now we're friends with zenefits.

Credits: laffgaff.com - edited


Ballsy Move (20)

A yogi is complaining to a friend over coffee:

"Girl I hear you. I'm sick of men who stop to stare and even yell crass things at me when I wear my tight yoga pants at the mall. I just yell back at them: 'I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable and empowering and they make me feel sexy. Who cares if your kid can see my balls?!'"

Credits: laffgaff.com - edited



Question and Answer Jokes

Drunk People and Yoga Pants (1)

Q: What do these three things have in common: (1) little kids, (2) insanely drunk people and (3) yoga pants.

A: They will never lie to you.

Credits: laffgaff.com - modified


Inquire About a Job (2)

Q: What does a "help wanted" sign for a yoga instructor say?

A: Inquire Within.

Credits: funkidsjokes.com - unmodified


Out of Shape (3)

Q: Why was the woman so angry after yoga class?

A: She was bent all out of shape.

Credits: funkidsjokes.com - unmodified


Everything Pizza (4)

Q: What does a zen yogi master say when ordering a pizza?

A: Make me one with everything.

Credits: funkidsjokes.com - unmodified


Yogi in Prison (5)

Q: What happened to the yoga instructor who was arrested for selling drugs?

A: She was sentenced to a long stretch in prison.

Credits: laffgaff.com - edited


Tall Yogi (6)

Q: How did the yogi master get so tall?

A: He Gu-ru.

Credits: funkidsjokes.com - slightly edited


Change Coming (7)

Q: Why couldn't the yogi find any coins outside outside his studio?

A: Because change comes from within.

Credits: funkidsjokes.com - slightly edited


Change Coming (8)

Q: Why do yogis get so excited about Christmas?

A: They love presence.

Credits: funkidsjokes.com - edited


Change Coming (9)

Q: Why was the dyslexic cow so relaxed at yoga?

A: Oooooooom.

Credits: funkidsjokes.com - edited


Kindergarden (10)

Q: Why do yoga teachers feel threatened by kindergarten teachers?

A: Kindergarten teachers let their students roll out mats and lay down without charging $40.

Credits: funkidsjokes.com - edited





Long Yoga Jokes

Yoga Pants at Church (1)

--- Long yoga joke of the day #1 ---

A man and his inappropriate dad were sitting at church to decided if it was a good place for the son to get married.

Suddenly a beautiful African American lady walk past in a tight outfit - she's wearing incredibly sexy bright blue yoga pants. I'm talking drop dead gorgeous. She bends over to pay her respects to the lord and you can see all her amazing curves thanks to her tight fitted yoga leggings.

After watching her bending over, my dad points and comments "Holy Jesus, those should be illegal in this place of worship!"

The son turns to him and says, "They were, dad, for hundreds of years. Then we had a civil war and freed them."


Credits: upjoke - this was claimed to be a true story, but I edited a little and I'm still worried it's a bit strong, but hopefully people understand that it's a humorous quip.



Three Yogis Go to Heaven (2)

--- Long yoga joke of the day #2 ---

Three yogis arrive at heaven in a single batch. God is a the Pearly gates, splits them up and says to the first: "look, we just have too many fancy yoga people in heaven these days, I can only let you in if I feel sorry for you".

The first guy says, "Well I think you should feel sorry for me!".

"I was at a yoga retreat with my wife, but I felt like she was staring a little too much at the yoga instructor in his tight pants and his toned body. I convinced myself I was just paranoid, so for my inner peace and closure I went to visit the yoga instructor in his room and I walk inside but he wasn't there. When I get downstairs, I hear loud grunting sex noises inside, and I go into a rage. The door is locked... I start kicking down the door and when I bust in I yell at my wife 'where is he!'. I look everywhere and nothing but then I noticed there are ten fingers on the railing of the balcony outside. It's him! He's trying to hide from me in just his underpants and I'm so angry that I start hitting his fingers. He pleads me to stop, but I keep going and he falls down. He's hurt, but definitely not dead... so in my growing rage I grab a heavy mini fridge from inside, and throw it down onto him. Unfortunately at this point the rage is so much I have a heart attack and die on the spot."

God looks stunned, "Well I generally don't condone murder, I'm surprised you admitted to that so readily, but I do feel sorry for you, so I'll let you in".


Then god goes to the second guy.

The second guy says, "You'll definitely feel sorry for me!".

"I had just finished teaching a yoga course, to help out all the wonderful people who come for my guidance. I drink a wonderful health smoothie, and I start doing stretches on the balcony of my hotel room in my underpants. Suddenly, when I go from warrior one pose to warrior two, I slip on my smoothie, and fall right off the edge. Luckily I have great reflexes, so I catch the railing of the room downstairs, but some crazy guy starts yelling at me. He hits my fingers, and I fall... just as I realize my beautifully toned legs are broken, the guy throws a mini fridge onto me and I'm now here.

God is almost speechless, "We generally don't like yoga instructors, but you had the worst day ever, so you can go inside".


Finally the third guy comes up. "So funny story. I was folded up lotus position and hiding in a mini-fridge.... and suddenly the fridge start to move".


Credits: upjoke - then edited by me to be more yoga focussed


Practical Yoga for Men (3)

--- Long yoga joke of the day #3 ---

Gary walks into a yoga studio and see several different groups of men of different sizes doing different warm ups. The instructor greets him.

"Welcome to our 6 step program, practical yoga for men!


Most of our men start at level 1... These men don't yet have the balance to pass the police sobriety test, but they soon over come that."

He points to a chubby group of guys attempting a one legged pose with limited success.


"At level 2, you'll have enough core strength to tie your shoelaces without needing to sit down."

He points to a less chubby group of guys doing warriors 3.


"At level 3, you'll have the stamina to sit with your kid for hours without cramping up".

He points to a group of guys in lotus position.


"At level 4, you'll be bendy enough to use airplane restrooms and seating without injuring your back."

He points to a group of skinny guys in happy baby.


"At level 5, you'll be have the physique to be shirtless and take amazing dating profile pictures that help you date fitness girls and finally get laid sometimes."

The instructor points to a group of ripped guys doing headstands and other impressive poses.


"Wow, that's really terrific! I guess nobody makes it up level 6 though?" The man says, and points at an empty area of floor.

"Oh no, we've had lots of yogis reach level 6! At level 6 you reach total satisfaction. Those are the guys flexible enough to suck their own penises. They tend to stop coming to lessons because they mostly stay at home at that point."


Credits: I did this one... it was my first yoga joke, I hope it's okay


Banned from Church (4)

--- Long yoga joke of the day #4 ---

A man goes into church for confession.

"Forgive me father. For I have sinned".

"Tell me your sins Barry", says the priest.

"It's the damn yoga. I know I'm not supposed to have engage in sex before my wedding, but my finance just took up yoga a few months ago ahead of her dress fitting. The problem is she was already a blonde knockout and now she's sexier than ever before with her toned body. I already loved her curves, but this is something else... I've been practically watering at the mouth watching her practice her stretches and then finally, this morning I gave in to temptation."

"What happened Barry?".

"Well father, this morning she was trying to reach for a health juice on a very high shelf. She wasn't quite tall enough to reach it, so she's on her tippy toes stretching her arms up and she's wearing a new pair of the sexiest skin tight yoga leggings. After months of temptation the sight of her perfect yoga ass was too much. I dropped what I was holding, tore down her leggings, bent her over in front of the shelves and just went wild on her. Like a primal man. The lust was so intense we both reach screaming orgasms within minutes of hard passionate sex. I came everywhere."

"Oh gosh Barry", the priest said.... trying to compose himself. "While I appreciate your honesty, this isn't one of those half-hearted city churches, we take pre-marital sex very seriously and I have no choice but to ban you and your fiancé from the church.... for life."

"Oh no priest. That's really bad news... my fiancé is going to be really upset. This is our second lifelong ban in one day.... earlier today we got banned from Whole foods."



(follow up after the punch line)

"Wait.... you mean you had sex in Whole foods."

"Yup, the produce section....... they say the lord is always watching, well so are the guys behind the security camera. They called in the cleanup crew before we were even finished."


Credits: I wrote this, but it's modified from something I heard a comedian say when I was young.


All Girl Yoga Jealousy (5)

--- Long yoga joke of the day #5 ---

Tina goes to an all girl yoga class with a male instruction. Unfortunately, the class feels very competitive, and Tina is jealous of the three stunning blonde girls who sit at the front like teacher's pets and always seem completely zen during mediation. Meanwhile Tina is sweaty and panting to keep up.

So Tina waits till the end of class and approaches the instructor, Mario.


"I know I'm supposed to reach over peace, but I'm so jealous of those three girls!"


Mario giggles. "Oh you mean Harmony, Butterfly and Rainbow?! Don't be jealous of those skinny white girl from the marina. The reason they are always zen is because they come to class early and take a tonne of hallucinogenic drugs."


Tina laughs too. "Oh that makes me feel way better, no wonder they seem so happy if they are high as kites! But what about you Greg... You don't take drugs and you are always seem glowing and happy during class?"


"Oh, that's because I'm sleeping with them."


Credits: This one is mine.... Sorry it's a little naughty.


Asleep During Yoga (6)

--- Long yoga joke of the day #6 ---

A man opens his eyes the end of a yoga class and realizes everyone is giggling at him and he's the only one on the floor still. Now this is a very shy guy, so he rolls up his mat and avoids eye contact. After everyone is gone he goes up the female teacher and says "Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed... I think I feel asleep during your class!".

"Oh yes you did George, right at the beginning", she smirks.

"Oh my gosh, this is really embarrassing, I was laying down that whole time?".

"Yes, but umm... well I feel like I should warn you that it gets worse".

"Oh no! I didn't.... did I snore? I've been told I sometimes snore".

"Yup, you started snoring, pretty loudly on an off, for the full two hours".

"Oh my gosh, that's so embarrassing, I probably can't show my face her for a month, I'm so embarrassed."

"Yup..... but it gets worse."

"Oh, I didn't.... did I", he whispers, "did I pass wind?".

"Yup.... a couple of times, everyone laughed each time".

George is really upset at this point... he puts his hands on his head.

"Holy cow, this is humiliating, I won't be able to come to yoga for 2 months before people forget".

"Umm.... yes, but it gets worse".

"I don't understand, what else could possibly have gone wrong?"

"Well.... let's just say that you were laying down in Shavasana position, but your little guy was doing a proud standing warrior one."

"What do you mean?".

"You had an erection George."

George is speechless. "I'm ruined."

"It gets worse.", she says. "I did try to help you when I noticed what the girls were all pointing at your little warrior. I came over to your side and try to rolled you over, but you started moaning 'Oh Susie' and 'Oh Susie you're so beautiful'. And then you just flopped onto your back again."

George turns white. "Oh this is my worst fear, I have a secret crush on Susie from the class."

"It's not very secret anymore George, everyone in the class knows."

"Oh gosh, I think I want to go home and cry. I don't think I can come back for a year."

"...... Oh it get's worse."

"How could it get any worse?!", George exclaims.

"At the end we always do three OMs, and even though you were asleep you were so excited you moaned OM louder than anyone and then I'm pretty sure you OMed in your pants."

George just stood there in shock. Sure enough he noticed his pants were wet. He sunk his head.

"Look George, I pride myself on being honest, and you probably don't want to come back to this class, because nobody here today will forget and you're always going to get laughs after what happened. I know you're super shy and I don't know if my students can focus when they're laughing."

George is at the pinnacle of shame... he holds his head really low and he starts walking out in silence.

"Wait, there is one great thing to come from this George", the instructor says.

"What could that possibly be", he says as he turns back.

"Well maybe you've never been told this before, but you have a very impressive sized warrior one. I've never seen one so big honest. And this was a two hour class. Not many men can maintain any upright pose for that long... Susie wants me to give you her number. She says you can come over to her place anytime so she can give you private workout... and that you should get more sleep now, because you won't be getting any sleep at her place."


Credits: This one is mine. I was basically imagining everything that could go wrong in yoga... I told it once to friend's and they all said "awww... that's sweet" at the end, instead of actually laughing, but that's still a positive I think. It's fun if you tell it passionately and act out just how distraught George is.


Instagram Hell (7)

--- Long yoga joke of the day #7 ---

A girl arrives in heaven, and Jesus is at the Pearly gates looking at her file.

"Yeah, I'm sorry you got hit by a bus as you left yoga, but I'm even sorry to say you didn't make it into heaven, I have to send you downstairs."

"Exxxxcuise me. You're not letting me in.", she says.

"Hey, it's not personal..... We don't mind yogis, but it says here that you were also an instagram model".

"No, I'm definitely getting in... do you have any idea who I am. I have 2 million followers".

"Lady, I have 2 billion followers, but your ancestors decided to nail me to a cross and now we have rules about who we let in. Your file says you never contributed anything to the world, you just ranted to strangers about how perfect your life is and took a bunch of photos which objectified your own body and pretended like that was a real job. You put all your time into your appearance, and not into education or developing a personality. You didn't do anything kind or positive for anyone else on the planet, you are the epitome of selfishness and vanity, and now you pay the price by going to hell."

"I'm going to call my dad, he'll fix this. And you'll be in big trouble Mister Christ."

"Pretty sure your dad is in hell too. And your cellphone won't work here. Last time I checked it was my dad who wields all the power around here, not your dad."

The girl pauses for a second. "Okay, so like, I don't know much about this hell, can you at least describe it to me so I know how angry to be."

"Lady, you are about to be sent underground into the hottest place on earth. You'll exist in a steaming hot conditions surrounded by a bunch of emaciated undressed strangers, with lifeless eyes, devoid of any personality and struggling for breath. You are going to be yelled at and berated by an evil little man and forced into all kinds of torturous positions. Sweat will pour from your body constantly. There is no temperature adjustment and it will never end."

The girl claps her hand in excitement: "Oh super perfect! That sounds great!".

"Wait, why are you excited?".

"I love Bikram yoga!"


Credits: This one is mine. I dated an influencer once - in my defense I didn't know what an 'influencer' was at that stage. Oh yes, she was beautiful, but a very shallow life and I felt like an idiot for thinking she was a real entrepreneur (which she had connived me she was) and I had flown to NY to meet her.... But then I remembered I had also gone to see NY! Ask me about my brief dating podcast career and you can hear all about it!


Australian Yoga (8)

A fun surfy bloke from Australia called Bruce, moves to California, and he's needs to get a job so he doesn't go broke. He sees an ad that says "yoga instructor needed", and he thinks to himself: "hey, I always stretch before surfing, how hard can it be?".

He walks in to apply and they say "You look pretty fit. We actually have a beginner class starting right now, if you need the money you should lead it".

"Okay great!", Bruce replies.

... "You have yoga teaching experience right?".


He lies and says "Sure".

.... "Good, but just to help you get started we're going to send Charles in to watch you. Charles studied yoga at Stanford".


Suddenly Bruce feels uneasy, but it's too late to back out. Luckily, when he gets to class, he notices a poster on the opposite side of the wall which is called "Basic Yoga Positions". It's close enough he can see what each position looks like, but it's slightly too far to read the writing to see the name of the position. So he asks the class to take two deep breaths and gets started in the first position, and thinking to himself "Hey, I can totally pull this off".

.... "You know Bruce, it's customary here to announce each position as you assume it", says Charles.


"Of course, I was just getting too that.... This one is called....... Man catching a cricket ball".

... Now of course Charles is a little bit of a pretentious jerk so he replies: "That's funny Bruce, I studied yoga at Stanford... and I've been to Ashrams all over the world, and I've never heard of any cricket ball pose. This pose is called warrior one".


"True blue Charles. Well we have different names for poses in Australia, but you can help me interpret them to help us all out", Bruce replies. Luckily no-one in the class has ever been to Australia, so Bruce is pretty sure he's outsmarted Charles, as he takes the next pose.


"Man pointing at horizon", he announces.

... "At Stanford and everywhere else that's just, warrior two", Charles replies but Bruce ignores him.


"Excited kangaroo", says Bruce.

... "Chair pose".


"Excited wombat", says Bruce.

... "Happy baby pose".


"Excited goanna", he announces.

... "Nope, Cobra pose", Charles replies.


"Horny dingo", says Bruce.

... "Downward facing dog".


This continues for the full hour, and the lessons is almost over, when Charles finally realizes that Bruce has he's been looking at the basic positions chart at the back.


... "Okay, so this beginner lesson is almost over, but before we leave, why don't you show us a more advanced pose Bruce?"


Bruce panics, but luckily there's an inspiration yogi poster nearby. It shows a woman doing the splits and it's called the "Monkey pose". Bruce hasn't tried the splits since he was a kid, but he's too invested now... he slowly works down, but then he's also pretty wobbly at this stage and he slips on his sweaty feet and falls down into full splits. Immediately he screams in pain. "Oh, I broke my little dingo", he yells.

...

Now...... you might expect Charles, being a smug Ivy League prick, would say something smart-ass at this point. Like maybe "yup, we call it that too", or "squashed banana split". Everyone in the class is expecting Charles to say something. But god damn-it, there's a code among men when someone injures his groin this badly. Instead of being a jerk, Charles is worried Bruce really did break his dingo, so he immediately his fancy medical training kick in... he jumps in front of Bruce, bends his head right in there to look and feels for signs of a groin injury.


At the back of the class, one of the guys whispers to the guy next to him. "I'm confused, isn't he going to tell us what they call this one in Stanford?".

The neighbor leans across and replies. "Oh I went to Stanford too, so I can help... we call that one 'asking your professor for an extension'".


Credits: This one is mine. I like to make fun of Stanford students. :)


Play on Namaste and Nah-I'm-a-Gay (9)

A man goes to a new yoga class for the first time, and stares uncomfortably at the female instructor. He stays behind after yoga class laying on his mat. Everyone else has left and the female instructor walk up to him:

"Wow. You've been shooting me creepy looks all session. Let me guess 3 things about you."

"What's that honey?".

"Well.... Firstly, when I ask you to leave you'll say 'na-ma-going-to-stay" - thinking like that's funny, and then you'll hit on me. Secondly, you act tough, but I have a boyfriend already, his name is Devin, he's hotter and stronger than you, he's waiting for me outside the class and when I offer to introduce you to him, you're going to run away like a scared little boy. Thirdly, you came to this yoga hoping to get lucky today, but you are in for a rude shock because you will never get lucky in this place."


"Oh wow, you read me like a book. That's close. Firstly, instead of namaste I'm going to say 'na-I-am-a-gay', and even if I was straight I could do better. Secondly, I'm going to tell you that I already know your hot boyfriend. Thirdly, the reason I'm on my back still is that I think I pulled a muscle just before class showing your him the downward dog. I'm shooting you weird looks because I felt obligated to come to this class and warn you to test yourself for chlamydia."


Credits: I feel like there is gold in "nah-I'm-a-gay", but I haven't figured out how to turn it into a funny story. This was my closest to a funny story, but I don't find it funny... more mean than funny perhaps. Let me know if you think of something that might make people laugh.


Animal Yoga Jokes

Short Animal Yoga Jokes

I decided the market for yoga classes for animals is prime territory, but I have some open questions...


Do you think dog yoga classes have a "human poses"?


If I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys..

Should I call it "peace of ass"


If I run a yoga studio for felines.

Do you think my yogis would get go catty?


A pack of wolves are doing yoga and one of them asks another: "wow, who's the new super mindful wolf that came to class".

"That's 'Aware wolf', we stay away from him."

Credits: Mixed



The Animals Invent A Human Pose

A bunch of animals rally together, because they all have yoga poses named after them and they feel it's demeaning. For instance there's a butterfly for butterfly pose... a cat, a cow, a camel, a crane, a crow, a cobra.... a dog, a firefly, a fish, a frog, an eagle, a horse, a lion, a locust, a monkey, a pigeon, a peacock, a rabbit, a swan, a scorpion and finally a tortoise.

First of all they sit in a circle and say "holy crap there are a lot of us".... These are all actual yoga poses, so they talk about how demeaning each pose it, and they demonstrate the poses.

The frog complains that "frog pose" doesn't even look like him, but actually, it kind-of does. Still, all the animals are in agreement when the peacock (representing on of the most challenging poses) says: "Well to show the humans how offensive this is, we're going to make a 'man pose', in the most embarrassing position possible.

"Oh I know this one... says the cat, I've been watching my owner, and he stands on his two back legs and throws one hand down his pants and kind of jerks is around."

So the animals all try to do this human pose, but the only ones that gets it successfully are the monkey and the dog.

"What do you think dog, is it demeaning enough?", asks the cat.

"Oh these humans are fucking brilliant! No wonder they evolved to free up their hands!"


Credits: Inspired after I saw these poses: Yoga Poses Named After Animals - sooo many! After the joke: Monkey agrees and they both decide to leave the meeting, because they've found something better to do.


Animal Yoga Sex Positions

There are (true fact) about two dozen yoga positions named after animals, and about half of them look like sex positions. The animals are not happy about this, so they decide to assemble together all the affected animals into a room... including a dog for downward dog, a cat, a cow, a cobra, a camel, a fish, a lion, a rabbit and so on.... And they present a slideshow covering each of these positions in detail and how offensive it is. The swan stands at the front pointing at each women in each pose explaining how each pose is offensive and overly sexual.

The dog is especially offended "It's confusing enough that these humans wear tight yoga pants and assume positions where they look like they are waiting to be mounted.... why do they name them after respectable members of the animal kingdom".

"It's an outrage!", says Monkey.

"Wait.... Why are you here Monkey, we decided that monkey pose doesn't look like a sex position, it just looks like an idiot doing the splits and pointing into the air."

"I know, but I've been banned from watching porn in my house, and this slideshow is the next best thing."


Credits: Inspired after I saw these poses: Yoga Poses Named After Animals - sooo many!


Lists for Yogis

Signs that You Are Not a Real Yogi

Top 10 list of clear signs that you are not a real yogi

  1. You catch an Uber four blocks to your yoga studio, instead of walking.
  2. You remember when yoga was called Twister, and even with that huge square mat you still fell off.
  3. You tried to buy yoga pants, but they didn't have any your size.
  4. You just used a yoga DVD as a coaster for your beer.
  5. Every else is doing happy baby pose, and you are doing a crying baby.
  6. Instead of bringing a "holier than thou" attitude into class you are a mess of insecurity about surviving the lesson.
  7. Everyone else in class talks about playing sports after class and your idea of sport is the television.
  8. Whenever the teacher says "there's also an easy version of this pose" you sign in relief.
  9. When the teacher asks you to set an intention, you either answer out loud or think "to make it to the end of the class".
  10. Everyone else has a reusable water bottle full of health juice or spring mineral water, and you're hiding a flask of liquor.

More reasons you are too lazy:

  1. Your favorite pose is the one where you lay down.
  2. Everyone else looks like a commercial for Lululemon or zen life, and you look like you're still in your pajamas.
  3. Your teacher asks you a second time to try touching your toes and you say "I am trying".
  4. When the teacher asks for chair pose, you use it an excuse to sit down.
  5. When the instructor asks everyone to close their eyes, you use it as a chance to collapse when nobody can see you.
  6. You pick the back of the class, not to perv on other students, but so they can't see you wobbling in every position.
  7. You've been known to skip yoga class in favor of.... not going to yoga class.
  8. Instead of buying to bulk lessons, you do the pay as you go because you weight up your delusions against your budget and you decided against wasting money.
  9. After your yoga sessions is finished, you don't feel energized at all, you just wanna go home and lay down.
  10. Yoga would be better if they served beer and they play sport on the television. Actually forget the yoga.


More reasons you are not good enough for the title of yogi:

  1. You're the only one laughing when someone farts, and the teacher reminds you that it's "a beautiful and natural sign of relaxation".
  2. You think yoga is a competition. Or you think that's it's not a competition. Just contemplating this idea makes you a bad yogi.
  3. You go through the class making noises and faces like you are receiving an extremely painful blow job.
  4. You didn't get a chance to do yoga this morning... or any other morning of your life.
  5. Your teach tell you to feel relaxed, but yoga has only ever made you stressed and anxious.
  6. If you think yoga shouldn't be about fashion, and your outfit didn't cost a month's salary.
  7. When asked to clear your mind, you start to make lists in your head.
  8. Whenever you hear a name like "spirit flower" you giggle a little bit.
  9. Whenever you hear words like "authentic self" you roll your third eye. Or you would, if you knew what the **** fuck a third eye was.


Credits: This one is mine, although I did pinch the bit about a coast from elsewhere.


Signs that You Are Doing Yoga for the Wrong Reasons (for Girls)

A list of clear signs that you are doing yoga for the wrong reason (for girls).

  1. Your second biggest reason for practicing yoga just to boost your spiritual street credit.
  2. Your first biggest reason for practicing yoga is social media.
  3. You've ever posted to instagram with any hash tag ending in "life". #yogaforlife, #bestlife, #blessed, #liveyourbest, #stop-using-instagram-you-poser.
  4. You own more than one item from Lululemon.
  5. Your main motivation for learning a new pose is for sharing a photo to social media.
  6. You can't hang out with your old friend without talking about your new health lifestyle and suggesting they join your regiment.
  7. You use words like "woke" when you hang out with your new friends, who share your point of view that everyone on the planet should be doing yoga life, forgetting that most of these regular people are doing the type of work that helps make the planet, instead of just bumming around.
  8. You apply make-up before yoga class.
  9. You disagree that a good workout involves sweat, because that's so unattractive. It's far more photogenic to get a hair blowout and never break a sweat.
  10. No morning stretch or health shake feels finished until you've taken a selfie.
  1. One or more of your online dating photos is you doing contortion poses on the beach.
  2. You have a blog or instagram post with the word "spiritual" in it.
  3. Your idea of inner peace is fitting into a size two and having the sexiest body in the class.
  4. You think yoga is a competition, and you're crushing it, because that brat Tiffany from your high school can't even put her feet behind her head.
  5. You pretend you're upset that your tight yoga pants are attracting attention from the opposite sex, but really you're upset that more of them are looking at your best friend's ass and not yours. #objectify-my-body.
  6. You were hoping yoga would help you achieve more of the karma sutra positions, but you still cramp up in basic cowgirl.


Credits: This one is mine, although I did pinch the bit about a coast from elsewhere.


Signs that You Are Doing Yoga to Meet Girls (for Guys)

A list of clear signs that you are doing yoga for the wrong reason (for guys).

  1. The only thing that helps you survive a yoga lesson is imagining each yoga position as a sex position.
  2. When the yoga teachers asks if you're thirsty, you tense up because you think she "found you out", but in fact she's just talking about the water fountain outside.
  3. Without the presence of sexy members of the opposite sex, you probably would have collapsed an hour ago, but the idea that they are watching you has you pretending you're "totally fine" and not in the least bit of pain.
  4. You're not sure if you chose the back of the class because you like looking at bottoms (and pretending not too), or because you don't want people to see you wobbling in the first 5 minutes.
  5. You feel like dropping words like "my yoga practice" into your next date will help you get laid.
  6. You wanted to buy tight fitting shorts and shirts, so you took up yoga as an excuse.
  7. You check yourself out in the mirror before, after and during each stretch.
  8. When you lay down at the end, your first thought is "but what if I get an erection".
  9. When you get dressed for yoga, you always look a second time at your sock draw and wonder if you should stuff one into your underpants.
  10. You update your Facebook immediately with yoga photos, because you think that will make it easier to ask to "Facebook add" the girls in your class. Saying "let's be Facebook friends because I'm also interested in yoga" seem more friendly than the honest version "I want you contact details because I'm interested in seeing you without the yoga outfit".


Credits: This one is mine, although I did pinch the bit about a coast from elsewhere.


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